Love Lives, Dies And Hunts For Peen! With Kristin, Joe And Selena! UPDATED FOR JOE & SOPHIE!

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It's the end of summer, which means that in addition to the still-sweltering heat - don't put those fans away yet, bitches! - it's the time of year when many celebs get married or unchained or hit the ho stroll for peen on the regular. First up, love lives with a Broadway vet who's so painfully skinny you could suck her through a straw. I speak, of course, about Kristin Chenoweth, who claims that her hair extensions once saved her life after a nasty fall at a 7-11 (I'm not kidding), in which she cracked open her skull on the pavement and the metal from her extensions held together her fracture. Ouch (but also, was she getting ciggies or a Slurpee?) (these are the details that matter). 

Anywayshestilllookslikeabobblehead, 55 year-old Kristin married 41 year-old Josh Bryant, a relative normie and a "musician," we're told. And, yes, a younger man. Escandalo! or Get it, Kristin! Pick one. At their rehearsal dinner, they served a custom-made Baskin-Robbins ice cream cake (I approve of this), while at their wedding, their dog Thunder was the ring bearer. Aww. Apparently, they're both "very good Christians," which in Kristen's case means she that loves the gheys, but thinks nothing of performing a Christmas concert for ghey-hating Christians. "Lots of times in my industry," she said at the time, "I work with people who don't believe like me." That's word salad for: they offered me a nice fat check and I took it. But I digress. Happy everything to the happy Christian couple. Love lives!


As for Joe Jonas, things are not so happy. Love is definitely dying. He's reportedly been at odds with his wife Sophie Turner for the last six months, which is forevuh in a celebrity marriage. We know this because one moment he's been spotted wearing his wedding ring, and another not - this according to eagle-eyed fans who will always live alone and are shunned by their cats and so embarrassing to their dogs that they silently whisper, "Help me!" to passersby while taking large, steamy dumps outside. 

Even more alarming, Joe has contacted at least two divorce attorneys this past week, so their marriage looks about as good as Joe's i'M a cOoL sTrAiGhT gUy nail polish. As for Sophie, she's been battling depression, or so she said to Dr. Phil on his podcast, but no word on whether sitting with Dr. Phil actually caused this depression or not. As for their crumb-catchers, it's been whispered (hi Joe!) that Joe's been doing most of the child care, even bringing them on tour with him. They even sold their McMansion in Miami, which they bought only a year ago. So, yeah, not good. Love dies!

UPDATE: Not only is it dead, it's been pushed off a cliff and left for the buzzards to feed on. Yes, it's just been revealed that Joe filed for divorce from Sophie today. There's a prenup in place, and Joe's PR team are doing fast work with the press, saying things like, "She likes to party, he likes to stay at home!" Interestingly, Joe filed for divorce in Florida, where no spouse is ever guaranteed halfsies of said couple's assets (unlike California, where it's a  50/50 split), even though their main home is in ritzy Royal Oaks, California. I call shenanigans, but time will tell!

Then there's the case of Selena Gomez, a vocal singleton who's puzzled by how how diffy it is to find steady dick. "I have standards," she recently stated. "But we live in a world where boys confuse standards with high maintenance." This is in sharp contrast to her viral TickyTacky video at a soccer game where she screamed at all the hawt soccer players, "I'm single! I'm just a little high-maintenance!" Mixed-messaging, Selena! 

Actually, the most mixed-up thing about Selena is her past. Specifically, the fact that she once dated noted cheeseball Justin Bieber. Did you know? He periodically insists that hangers-on paid stooges friends call him "J-Beebs." But I digress. In this case, love is hunting and it ain't finding that devoted peen. Let's hope Selena hangs in there. Maybe Joe will slide into her DMs on a day when he's not wearing his wedding ring. And that, I think, qualifies as both a Love Lives! and a Love Dies! Keep hunting, Selena. 

Photo credits: Chenoweth/Instagram, Getty Images

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