Movies Are Too Damn Long: "Killers Of The Flower Moon" Edition!

Have you heard? "Killers Of The Flower Moon" is the celebrated new Martin Scorsese movie about atrocities committed against American Indians - and yes, it's 3 hours and 37 minutes long. Make sure and drain those pipes before taking your seat, amirite? Wouldn't it be nice to have an intermission to stretch your legs, use the restroom or get a refill on your drink? You're in luck - or you were. Last week, Scorsese and the movie's distributors, Apple and Paramount, bitch-slapped several theatres nationwide who dared to insert a brief intermission at the movie's halfway point. "Everyone was really into it," a theatre rep said. "People could have a 10 minute break and not miss anything." Reasonable, right? Especially since most of the people going to see it are over 45 and might not have the bladders of all those giggly 16 year-olds squealing at the 2 hour plus "Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour" in the theatre next door.

But noooooo. Scorsese, who's lately become Hollywood's preeminent Grouchy-Wouchy, strenuously objected to the intermissions because they violated his movie's "artistic integrity." Trick, please. Unfortunately, he's not kidding. He also seems to be living in some sort of moviegoing fantasyland. "C'mon, now, " he said, "you can sit in front of your TV and watch something for five hours." But Marty - may I call you Marty? - hear me out, you can also pause TV to make a quick dash to the bathroom, or during any commercial break, and even grab some ice cream if you like. I absolutely do not believe that the 81 year-old Marty doesn’t need to drain his noodle every hour on the hour. Is he wearing adult diapers when he goes to the movies these days, because that's way too hard-core for me. 

It wasn't too long ago that the movie's had intermissions. Remember? And I'm not talking about the olden days of the 1940s, I'm talking about the olden days of the early-to-mid 1980s when movies that were long, like "The Last Emperor," "The Right Stuff" and "Gandhi," had intermissions at most theatres. Hell, I remember sharing a joint - inside the theatre! - during an intermission for "Gandhi" when I was a just a wee teeny-bopper. So civilized (and it made that bloated, overrated movie infinitely more enjoyable when it re-started). 

I would love to have had an intermission during "Avengers: Endgame" (3 hours and 2 minutes) or "Oppenheimer" (3 hours and 6 minutes) or "Babylon" (3 hours and 14 minutes), or basically any movie that runs over 2 and a half hours. What's wrong with a 10 minute break? It doesn't destroy a movie's "flow," much less its "artistic integrity." In 10 minutes time, I didn't suddenly forget who Gandhi was, or how horribly miscast Annie Hall Diane Keaton was in "Reds," and the bliss-out visual sumptuousness of "The Last Emperor" was not ruined just because I had time to take a hairy and buy some JuJubes. 

Is Marty afraid people will bolt from his movie at intermission? I do that without intermissions because life's too short for a dud (the last one I walked out of was "Thor: Love & Thunder" because I love myself and the hubs kept blowing raspberries) (which is his patented, not-so-subtle hint that he'd rather be eating cardboard or pulling out his fingernails) (we also walked out of "She Said" because it was so flatly dramatized I thought it would slide off the screen and sigh from exhaustion). 

The only amusing endnote to this absurdity is that Marty and his cronies are also bitching about Taylor Swift, because the teeny-boppers are singing along to her songs, like "Shake It Off," while watching her concert movie - and Marty's "Killers Of The Flower Moon" audience can hear them, since in many theatres, both are playing right next door to each other. Normally, I'd decry this, but if Marty can't let me have just ten goddamn minutes to drain the dragon, then I say, "Sing out loud and proud, Swifties!"