OPEN POST: Daughter Dollar Bill, Y'all

Source: Vecteezy

I know all you parents out there are currently coming to terms with the fact that Christmas is now just 79 days away (sorrryyy), but I'm gonna need you to focus and redirect your anxiety on to some bullshit you need to be worrying about RIGHT NOW (you childfree hors, however, can take a moment out of your infinite free time to celebrate with some beefy rando on your pile of disposable income).

Loosen the purse strings and sign up for that overdraft protection, folks, for today is "National Transfer Money to Your Daughter Day!" It was founded by Zelle in 2017 as a "tongue-in-cheek way to get parents to send money to their daughters" - as if kids weren't already asking for money for literally everything already.  However, 2017 was in the before times™, you know, before grocery chain CEOs openly bragged about being "very comfortable with our ability to pass on price increases" (to consumers) - and before certain pee-pee-headed Lex Luthors started taking afternoon trips to space on pee-pee-shaped rocket ships while their employees were literally pee-peeing in powerade bottles on the clock. So basically what I'm saying is, who do we need to have a word with about postponing this shit until we're finished eating the rich? Because if it makes a difference, we can give all our daughters first dibs!

Oh, and yes, that sound you just heard was Candy Spelling I-don't-knowing-her pedal to the metal past a certain $100-a-night motel.