90s Nostalgia, Posh Spice, Cool Britannia and Beckham Docuseries

Cool Britannia was the rage of the 90s.

I watched the docuseries Beckham by Fisher Stevens (Michelle Pfeiffer's boyfriend in the early 90s) on Netflix and came away with thoughts about the family and my adopted country. It surprised me that it is a promising docuseries; even if I would like to ship Brooklyn, his wife, and his mother in an airless cargo container to a Third World port, it was captivating. It captured a pre-911 pop culture world that underscores the entire series.

I had to brace myself because David's voice is like they clipped his balls after his first penalty kick. That voice rivals Mike Tyson's and is equally imbued with a slightly, nay, more like ear drum abusing accent that, mixed with the voice, sounds like they are voicing an animated movie and are method acting the holy shit out of it and refuse to let it go. I can't bear to hear David Beckham speak. I would rather have a fingernail yanked out than endure his bebeh voice. I survived it, though, mainly because a lot of other people spoke in between the scenes with him with charming accents from Continental Europeans, Scots, Latin Americans, and English people with normal voices.

David Beckham 1999

The football/soccer scenes had me on the edge of my seat; it felt more like a film, and they went by fast enough that you don't have to love sports to watch the series. I watched with a running commentary from my husband; oh, and then...and watch...I remember and then rattles of names like I am supposed to know. Sure, dear. Ronaldo, so and so, and Neville and Figo and blah blah. I know some of the English teams and some players, but not from that era (I am so shallow I kept looking at how sexy the South American and Spanish players were). Watching it, I understood why the world was Beckham crazy for over a decade. I played soccer for years as a kid and teen, so I knew what I was seeing. Plus, over a decade married to a football fan(he prefers rugby) and years in football-crazy England taught me plenty. In a small country, to football fans, these guys are worshipped as heroes, and Beckham was an all-time great. No doubt. I can't think of an American team like this because the sport is more personal here, and their leagues and clubs are structured differently. 

2000s Beckhams with David serving 
intense Beckham face. I am so deep.

Surprisingly, the 90s scenes with Victoria and David when they were young were relatable. I understood that all-consuming passion, yearning, and longing for the person you love when love and lust first bloom. The sheer obsession is off the charts when the fire burns equally between two people. So that was touching, and Vicky B seemed human back then, smiling, and even came off endearing. It was bittersweet observing a 90s world when we were different and still a little naive. I had not realized how far away from those times we are, or at least I forget sometimes until I hear a song or see a show or photo from back then.

In the 90s, I loved the leaving the clubs photos of celebrity hookups, new couples, and bleary-eyed stars stumbling to their cars, trying valiantly to look sober. The Glamazons, JFK Jr. and Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy, slip dresses, Seattle, Grunge, Waifs, and TMZ started to rise and have wild footage of drunk club patrons in the middle of the street doing outrgeous and amusing things. Absolutely Fabulous could only have been conceived pre-911; London was the hot city, and British models began to take over for a few years: Stella Tennant(RIP), Erin O'Connor, Jodie Kidd and Kate Moss, British Film, Brit Pop and Alexander McQueen. Charles and Diana's divorce and, sadly, her death as she and Dodi Fayed fled from the insatiable paparazzi who were looking for a money shot. Cool Britannia is the official name of what happened in the 90s. Posh and Becks could have only been a product of that decade. When I look back, I am glad I experienced it and glad it was my decade of coming of age.

Watching the series, I liked the '90s "them"; they were appealing, which is new to me because I paid so little attention to them back then. It's such a shame Posh became what she is now, but then we all change, don't we? Is anyone who they were? In her case, it is striking how thin and somber she seems nowadays. How fame-thirsty she became, how insufferable she is, but it was the other way around back then. The media pursued them; this was how it was done before social media. The paparazzi were constantly in hot pursuit, looking for that million-dollar shot, and tabloids were where you had to go to read about celebrities or at least see their latest photos.

One highlight was the photos of their purple wedding reception, with Brooklyn in all purple get up as a baby. It was one of the tackiest things I have ever seen in my life. Head pimp and his bottom bitch get hitched must have been the ridiculous theme. I don't know if it is the shade or the fact that they match, but it is infamous and sometimes still laughed at. Vicky B tries to defend it, but no one can make that mess, not a garish eyesore. They sat on purple damn thrones, and I laughed like a loon, slapping at my husband, who laughed and slapped back. This must have been when they were full-on footballer and Essex girl living in the Golden Triangle in Cheshire, where all the prominent footballers and their Page 3 WAGs live. (For Australia, it is like the Gold Coast? ; for America, maybe Miami if all the elite football players lived there)

I mean...Who thought this was an idea.

Nowadays, Victoria puts on a bunch of airs, but the footage tells the story of how her accent changed over time and became more and more refined, but David calls her out time and time again when she tries to appear too uppity or fake humble. Hmm, how is it your accent changed, and you haven't even had elocution lessons, he asks rhetorically. Busted, and he wants people to see. I am not like her, he seems to say. I speak the same as I did when I was 13. I still remember my roots; unlike you, I am proud of it. 

For Americans, our accents may provide the region or city we grew up in; maybe if our grammar is fucked up, it tells you something about class. Usually, for the most part, that is all. For Brts (from an American looking in who found this fascinating), it tells you everything about someone's origins, class, stereotypes, and even neighborhood, and it is hard-baked in their DNA and identities. David was not going to play along, and he was not having it, and when she tried to say she grew up working class, she stumbled a little. David opens the door and makes her confess she went to school in a Rolls Royce in the 80s. Not exactly working class. I laughed my ass off at how he interacts with her now. There is a little bite in his words(he had revealed they had a disagreement earlier); she deserves it. 

Matching leathers... is a choice.

Often, they contradict each other in their own scenes like they hadn't even lived a life aware of the feelings of the other, and in the scenes together, she tries to act like they are all loved up, tentatively touching him, which is awkward. This, my dears, is a man who has checked out of his marriage but has a Faustian Bargain. They are a brand, and apart, no one would pay either as much attention. Vick, and B especially, would wither and die if no one cared about them and no paps were around to catch her all dolled up, ready for her moment. They still want to be the king and queen of the prom, but it could be better. It is also abundantly and starkly clear that all of it is contingent on David, and when it comes down to it, he is in the driver's seat. It used to be her, but something flipped as they aged. He doesn't say anything particularly positive about her now, not like his eyes light up when he speaks of their past and his kids. Their energy is discordant, and a few times, I pitied her. Honey, sweetpea, he isn't touching you back, but he has affection for Harper, so he can do of it.

Linda E looking pretty in pink.

Nuclear Wintour appeared in the series very briefly as a reminder of when Anna hilariously iced Vicky B out for nearly a decade before a thaw toward her happened after celebrities started wearing her knockoffs. Her acceptance of her opened the door for more famewhores that shall not be named, making American Vogue a running lousy joke. She was all in now, in her way, but when asked if she liked football, well, her answer was a very cy, ."o." In the 90s, Vogue was more discerning, declining as the 2000s progressed, fully jumping the shark in the 2010s. I don't read it anymore, the American version, because I can't bear the models, and the editorials are boring. 

I am no body language expert, but look at Vicky's pose, dressed in eye-popping white like a beacon, telling us a story. I can't stop cackling. She is establishing dominance, standing ever so "slightly" in front with her back to Nicola. No, you don't, you hussy, back the fuck up; let me educate you on who is the queen. The same in the series. You know she is there, but the camera sweeps past half of Nicola's head. The pettiness is delicious, and I slightly love her for it. Even David knows; he better recognize. Nicola knows it, too. Look at that face! Aggro Vicky is giving a clinic, my boys, my family, my moment, and I am here for it. 

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Here is the thing, though: beyond football, his money, and his deals, there is nothing to David Beckham, and I can't relate. This is the guy who inspired Bend It Like Beckham; surely there must be something compelling about him off the field? Right? It was a lesson in the psychology of personality. I kept waiting for a flash of depth or anything that gave me an idea that if I lifted the surface, there would be something captivating there, and I got nada. It reminded me of Pete Sampras, Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, or Tom Brady; they were their game since they were old enough to kick, throw, catch, or dribble a ball. Above all else, it was drilled into them; they were nothing but sports machines that win. Great, but then what do they do after their careers? For David, it is his business interests, obsessively cleaning, organizing, cooking, beekeeping, putzing around outside, or who the hell else knows. Clearly, he certainly isn't reading or enriching his limited brain.

So, knowing they have lied about David's cheating ways, they, craving more attention and revisionist history to shore up the family name and lore, decided to talk about his infamous early 2000s affair in nebulous terms. He comes off self-pitying like it was a one-off about a moment in time, which was stupid because it dredges it all up again. It is one of the most disingenuous moments in Beckham. This happened after the happy dreams of the 90s were over. His affair shattered Posh and Becks, the Spice Girls were over, and they became David Beckham and Victoria Beckham, no longer cute, no longer innocent, and no longer the ideal. 

A few years ago, he was one foot out of the door and was barely hiding that he was falling into a younger vagine, and it got very serious with one or two over the years. The last one was almost the end; he didn't care who knew it. He has always done that, though, developing cruses and showering his new pieces with expensive jewelry, lingerie, and gifts. Jewelers in Los Angeles loved to see him coming, and no NDA meant some shop assistants were more than happy to tell it to whoever would listen. His wandering ways are just facts now, and no one cares anymore. They didn't anyway until now. 

If he had been smart enough to be quiet, then Rebecca Loos, his ex-assistant whom he was sleeping with in the early 2000s, would not have come out of obscurity to do a new interview setting the record straight with even more embarrassing details. Already in 2003, she proved she was capable of talking to the press, and they misjudged her terribly. They should have left it alone, but they just had to think about their brand first instead of focusing elsewhere on other parts of their story. 

Truthfully, I am not a huge sports fan, but it is worth a watch for 90s nostalgia and as a story with a sprinkling of a little bit of infomercial for the brand to set the scene for their mediocre spawn to keep the attention coming. There are revelations aplenty about the state of their family, and it is very clear that without David, Victoria Adams would never have anything close to what she has. And it is no wonder she holds tight. He's worth 8 times as much as she is, and that is the difference between flying commercial or owning your own plane.

Victoria wants us to be convinced of a fairy tale and for us to like her, keenly aware she's not beloved by the public anymore like she had been 25 years ago. As Posh, she smiled warmly and joked with the other Spice Girls like family, unaffected by her fame, and full of joy. Posh would not have had to court the press so hard to be relevant and scheme so hard to position her kids to reach far above their capabilities. In the 90s, they would have been DJs or in bands or maybe actors, but in 2023, they are just Nepo Babies that people scorn.

The 2000s swept in conservatism, war, and terrorism, and the free-wheeling 90s were gone; the party ended, the models were nameless Russians, the Posh and Beck's ideal relationship lost its luster, Nationalism gripped America, so many of our youthful hopes and dreams died, and so did Cool Britannia. 

#FreeHarper

*This sums them up nicely; I couldn't have written it better. (funny take on Brooklyn, too.)

In recent years, Victoria and David have become tabloid fixtures for their respective business losses and the alleged drama it’s supposedly caused within their marriage. Their youngest son, Cruz, is apparently a pop singer, although I’ve never heard a song. Meanwhile, middle-child Romeo is playing on his father’s football team, Inter Miami, and just signed with English Premier League soccer team Brentford. (Apparently, he doesn’t suck, as he was just signed by Brentford.) Their 11-year-old daughter, Harper, is still just an 11-year-old. But there’s no way she won’t eventually be thrust into the spotlight.

(photos:Getty, Beckham, Netflix, British and French Vogue, WireImage. Instagram

The html did weird things so I double-checked and it was indeed strange. Now fixed)