Today Is National Square Dance Day! Or What Dances Did You Have To Do In Elementary School?

Fuck Square Dancing. You heard me. I hated having to do it in elementary school, at parties, and now every time I'm near it I hear banjos and see inbred pig-people raw dogging in the back of a Ford Bigfoot Cruiser in the parking lot of a Pick n' Save. Yet there I was in 3rd grade in Mrs. Felton's class, having to do the dance in the gym with Mrs. Brown's class - and it was supposed to be fun! Pul-lease. Never mind that who I really wanted to dance with Gordy, the 3rd grader who'd just moved to town from Canada (he had a slight gap between his two front teeth which I thought was dreamy), and no, I wasn't "out," I just instinctively knew what I wanted. But I digress. 

Today is National Square Dance Day, which got me to thinking of all the awful elementary school dances I had to do in gym class and also at special event "gatherings." Like The Conga Line, which was always messed up because the boy or girl behind you was always a klutz and stepping on the back of your shoes. Or The Hora (no, it wasn't for budding prostitots), in which, inevitably, one of the students you were holding hands with tripped and fell (FFS, it wasn't that difficult, Joanne!), which meant that Mrs. Brown said we had to start all over. But then Mrs. Brown was a bitch and was predictably nicknamed, behind her back, "Buh-roooowwwn Cow! Mooooo!" But I digress. 

But really, no one in elementary school wanted to dance together. The girls thought the boys were sticky and gross; the boys thought the girls had cooties. Simple. And then there was Tad, the flouncy 3rd grader who was already taking tap classes after school at Madame Mouzon's Dance Academy (across from the commuter train station because: classy) and thought he was the shit. Sure, he could tap, but Christ on a crutch, little fucker had to show up everyone at school no matter what the dance was, and yes, for show 'n tell, he just had to bring his little tap shoes in and tap-tap-tap in front of the class to "The Lonely Goatherd." I wish I were kidding. Kid was so gay that when his mouth opened a bolt of chiffon soared out. But I digress. 

What are your elementary school dance memories? Did you loath a specific dance? Or all of them? Or were you that kEwL kId we all hated who could do all the dances like a pro? Oh, and as for tap dancing, the only time I want to see any wee urchin tapping is when they're doing it like this: