Step Right Up! Only The Horiest Hors For Your Holiday Weekend Pleasure!

Look, it's Amanda Lepore Madonna celebrating the holidays by flashing her stench trench with a cheap Sears Santa by her side during her "Celebration" tour. At least I think that amalgamation of skin, plastic and viscous peen gravy is Madonna, but who knows? Stars! They're just like dried nut custard! Or at least the ones who want you know how desperately - and I mean desperately - they're enjoying the holiday season. Because nothing says hor for the holidays like horing yourself out for you Instagram feed. 

Speaking of hors, Nick Canon wants us all to know that he rully-rully cares about all the crotch-droppings of the world, half of which are his, by disguising himself as a Keepin' It Trashy Santa™ at a children's cancer ward in Orange County - because nothing says "Kill me now" like cancer and Nick Canon. Please note the lack of a proper Santa beard, since Nick wants all the children and his fans on the 'gram to know that it's him. Which so makes sense! Why even bother dressing up as Santa for dying children unless you're giving them something to escape from?

Speaking of children, or cheerfully telling them to  "die," "kill yourself," and enjoy a "dirt nap," terrorizing, talent-free bully, Chrissy Teigen - alongside her talented, brain-free husband, John Legend - celebrated the holidays at a charity function, since nothing puts the ho in hor more than the spectacle of a scarcely repentant child abuser flashing her hammy shanks in wintertime. Is she wearing any clothes under that flasher jacket? Only John knows, but let's try not to think about that.

Happy Getting Fired For Hanukkah! Or so it seems to be for Mayim Bialik, who wants everyone on her 'gram to know that she celebrates with three (count 'em, three!) menorahs. Take that, fellow Judaists! Mayim may shame sexual assault victims - she asserted that Harvey Weinstein's victims likely "dressed inappropriately" and "acted flirtatiously" in her darling 2018 OpEd - but her Maccabees are so much better than your Maccabees (so there!). "See you in the unemployment line in the new year," she'll surely cry out soon. 

Lastly, we have Jessica Simpson, who's gracefully entered her Ozempic Years™ this holiday season, complete with what I assume is her extra-big, fluffy pink merkin. Also, nothing says "I've had too much eggnog, Xanax and Vicodin" like standing still-as-a-statue in your foyer with a brain-farting, glazed expression on your face. Behold also her festive Santa Claws fingernails. They used to be red, but shrugged and faded to mauve from too much Valium. 

Finally, a joyful palette cleanser from a star who doesn't need to act the desperate hor, because she's a cherished, gold-plated hor. I speak, of course, of The One And Only Kylie™, nee Kylie Minogue, here offering you a genuinely merry version of a holiday classic. Happy dingle jingle berries, Peckers of the Manor!