Country-Fried Madness: The Cyrus Family Saga is Loco!

Whenever I read something about this family, I hear the faint sounds of banjos, harmonicas, fiddles, and twangy, forgettable country music. It should be the soundtrack to their lives. The Cyruses act like they are the stars of some bootleg 80s soap opera without the glamor, jewels, tennis courts, and Bob Mackie gowns. It's amazing that a mullet and an Achy Breaky Heart were the things that started them on their road to fame and fortune that is reminiscent of the Clampetts. Like if "The Beverly Hillbillies" had been real and if Elly May had been a child star and Jed had been a one-hit-wonder. 

If it weren't for Hannah Montana and Miley's long coattails, Billy Ray would be mostly a footnote's footnote whose 1990s and beyond-career highlights would have included playing country jamborees at county fairs and monster truck shows. The entire Cyrus clan should pay homage to Miley daily because there would be no "them" without her. They should build shrines and altars and light candles in her honor because otherwise, they would have been unremarkable and unknown. Achy Breaky has claimed that the show ruined his family, and maybe that is true, yet it rings as if he wants to blame Hannah Montana for his poor choices and behavior and not himself. The show made him difficult, combative, and demanding; he is a victim of the system, and surely you can see that he should be completely absolved for his gigantic staring role in destroying his family. 

Even though the show put Achy Breaky back in the headlines, Miley's fame far overshadowed his return to the spotlight. She has been a star for two decades, yet I feel total ambivalence toward Miley. I used to dislike her actively, but now I really don't care; there are new people to dislike and be sick of now. I find her rather boring. I can't even recall her songs except for "Jolene," and that is obviously only because of the fabulous Dolly Parton's songwriting. I thought Hannah Montana was a stupid show with bad acting, wigs, loads of merch, Miley's extremely thick accent, and a ridiculous premise. Kids loved it, though; it was harmless, so whatever on that front. That show is the foundation on which this family is built no matter what Achy Breaky says. It isn't Billy Ray's imbecilic crooning; it is Miley who resurrected his career when it was suggested he play her television father. His acting skills were painful to behold, but I wasn't the target audience, and he wasn't dreaming of Emmy statuettes. At least, I hope not. 

As quickly as the show catapulted them into the spotlight, it didn't take long for the Cyruses to out themselves as inelegant, trashy, les garbage. Who can forget how Tish dressed the youngest child, Noah, in these inappropriate Halloween costumes that were splashed all over Perez Hilton in the 2000s? It was like she was grooming her to desire lucite heels and busted breast augmentation by the age of 15. Back then, people were appalled, but it all seems positively demure these days, with the Koven having slimed up the 2010s with a constant onslaught of sleazy images. Gossips claimed Tish was reportedly banging Mr. Rock of Love himself, Brett Michaels, on the side. Maybe during one of her and Achy Breaky's splits, or maybe not. That was never quite clear.

To be fair, though, Billy Ray was doing whatever he did, and it probably wasn't good, so they were most likely stepping out on each other, breaking up and making up on a country loop. And then there was that really coo-coo brother (Jethro) Trace or Brace or Chase...Wikipedia says, Trace. Okay. He was out being papped for a little while and then wisely disappeared, but that might not have been by choice. His band, Metro Station, had a moment and then fizzled out because of infighting, and Trace was named the main culprit for the band's demise. This guy's body is covered in poorly inked tattoos, and I have my harsh, judgy thoughts about people with face tattoos. They tell me that the person is probably destructive and attention-seeking; maybe drugs are involved. I also have thoughts about anyone who has dated Demi Lovato, so in his case, those face tats are a scarlet warning to any ladies thinking about hopping into bed with him: Girl, you sure you wanna hit this? 

There is older sister Brandi, who had her podcast moment; she and Trace are Tish's children from a previous relationship that Billy Ray adopted. Along with them is their younger brother, Braison, who I never knew existed until I started paying attention to this debacle of dysfunction. He and his wife just had a baby they named Bear, which tells you all you need to know. Except for his supporting role in the drama, he seems a bit player in the Noah vs. Trish and Miley vs. Billy dramas. 

First, we will discuss Miley's situation, when she thanked everyone in her life and their adjacents but pointedly left her father out of her acceptance speech at the Grammy Awards.  That could have been seen as an oversight if she hadn't done it again on her IG the next day. This is a child who is using her fame to body slam her father and make it a topic of conversation. Miley wanted that shit to hurt, and she wanted to make it public. I can't fault Miley for her reasoning. It seems her father's new wife, Firerose, is someone he met on the Hannah Montana set. "So what?" you may say, except they claim it was 12 years ago. Sure, it was. Absolutely. 

The show's final season was in 2011. It is very convenient to act like they met then, so she would have been 21 (if I am being generous), but that is assuming they met after the show was filmed, and that doesn't match the timeline they are pushing, and it doesn't help she is only a few scant years older than Miley. Nor does the singer-songwriter's name make things any better. Firerose conjures up images of someone who ran away in 1971 to join a cult and was renamed by the male guru when she became his spirit wife.

Are we supposed to believe nothing was happening during those intervening years? Yet, he went public with his engagement to her 4 months after his split from Tish? Miley's relationship with him has always been rocky, but this must be the last straw because she has had no contact with him for the last several years. It is a drastic step that leads me to believe there is a lot more to the story than a simple age difference. I did read that the kids are alarmed by how much money he drops on her. Still, it must be something worse because it is a big decision to cut a parent out of your life. Even his supposedly shitty behavior during the divorce doesn't explain it since she seemed to forgive him after that, so I think there is something more to that story. 

I want to like Miley's hair, but I don't. It looks like early 1989
 realtor who used to be in beauty pageants' hair. 

Miley and Billy Ray's drama is nothing compared to Tish and Noah's in this family saga. It doesn't even come close. This situation will put people in separate camps and make the children choose between a mother and a sister. For the life of me, I will never understand a mother choosing a shady man over their child, no matter how old the child is. It is especially egregious in this case. I don't know what is most disgusting here. Is it that the man slept with his now stepdaughter before sleeping with her mother? That makes me shudder with revulsion, but that is nothing compared to my dry-heaving reaction to the thought that Tish, knowing he had been there and done that, went ahead with this relationship anyway? 

We know her taste in men is shit; come on, Mr. Rock of Love? Achy Breaky? No one should have expected much in the quality of her choice. Yet, in the entire world, she couldn't find some other truly skeevy man to hitch herself to? LA is full of middling middle-aged TV actors. All she had to do was hang out in Whole Foods near the supplement section for herbs for prostates and hair growth. A few laps and one is bound to appear. 

He slipped her DMs, and apparently, she answered.

At first, it looked like Noah and Braison skipped the wedding for their planned Walmart outing that was IG'ed out of some childish loyalty to their father, even though he had moved on; I thought they were saying that guy could never replace Achy Breaky. Or I thought maybe they didn't like the man their mother was going to marry. You know, regular mess. But this. It is something out of a Jackie Collins novel, better suited for a country music setting like Nashville because of the origin of the players. This mess is as if a 70s country music song came to life with one of those big-haired lady singers at the Grand Ole Opry. Think Tammy Wyette/Loretta Lynn circa 75. 

Various reports also say that Tish ensured security was in place to keep her daughter from crashing the wedding. What was she afraid of exactly? That Noah would drunkenly tell everyone the truth during the ceremony and shout that Tish's new husband likes anal? Or would her mere presence be a reminder to Tish that she was willing to stab her daughter in the heart to be with the kind of man who would sleep with a very young woman half his age and then turn to her mother and decide to pursue her instead? The guy is a heaping burning pile of jungle dung. It isn't even that Noah might have dismissed him as a passing thought; it doesn't matter if she had deep feelings; it is the suspicion that her mother wouldn't even care if she did. 

This was taken on the day of the wedding. Noah is 
sporting a Billy Ray shirt and making sure she 
made a firm statement by posting this the day
of her mother's wedding. Braison seems to be on
her side since he didn't attend and hung out with
her instead. 

In many ways, I feel sorry for the Cyrus kids. Neither parent seems ideal or worthy of their love and affection. Both prefer their love lives over their children's happiness and well-being. People will often claim the heart wants what the heart wants to make excuses for people choosing to throw away relationships and loved ones' legitimate concerns to be together. It doesn't matter who gets hurt. This isn't a case of parents finally being able to be a little selfish after raising kids. That is understandable; children require a mountain of sacrifice, but this is different. It is darker, seedier, and trashier and will break apart a family. Possibly, this is lasting, and it is possible these chasms are forever.