WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HO? Is It Justin Bieber? Or Barry Jenkins? Or Walmart's bettergoods?

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than your Great Auntie's chocha, so they need all the moisture they can get. 

First up, we have Justin Bieber, whom many believe is driving off a cliff in slow-motion - like Amy Winehouse once did and Britney Spears is doing now - especially after he posted pictures on Instagram this week which featured him shedding a few tears while wearing a porkpie hat in lime green (which is completely unacceptable and makes him look like an infected peen polyp). But let's look closer. Is he shedding real tears or glycerin tears? Or rather, is he troubled or twat-ish? Disturbed or douchey? Tired or tweaky? Down in the dumps or dick-smacking dumb? Before you call out, "All of the above!" or "I'd only smack him with Diddy's dick 'cause he's used to it!" let's consider another option. Dude is majorly parched. 

But when hasn't he been thirsty and quelle tragique? We know he's a racist wad - allegedly! - given a notorious leaked video which featured him singing and changing lyrics to his song "One Less Lonely Girl" to include the n-word (repeatedly) along with swingin', upbeat references to the KKK. "As a young man," he later mewled, "I didn't realize at the time that it wasn't funny." Oh, I totes get it. Same with Michael Richards, amirite? We also know he's the worst neighbor, once even threatening to kill one of them after egging their house. And we know he's a garden-variety cheeseball, having been charged for beating a limo driver, punching a fan, and taking an impromptu peepee in a restaurant kitchen mop bucket. 

He's also a kEwL cHrIsTiAn, too, or so he claims, but that hasn't really worked out given his relationship with Carl Lentz, the Hillsong pastor who baptized him, then fell from grace after being accused of - brace yourself, you won't see this coming - sexual assault. "I'm a Jesus guy!" Bieber burped out shortly after. Now that he's married to Hailey Bieber, a model with enlarged, plastic-fantastic lips who pokes fun of Selena Gomez online whenever she gains weight, word on the street is that he's hot-rolling tina, but who knows? All of his fans were worried about his waa-waa-waa pics, but not Hailey, who responded to them with the comment, "A pretty crier!" If she's not worried, we shouldn't be, right? 

The verdict is in: Justin is thirsty!

Behold, if you will, the celebrated, visually gifted movie director Barry Jenkins, seen above wearing smarty glasses that he actually needs (unlike Steven Soderbergh, who doesn't, but apparently loves the lewk) (allegedly!). Barry, as you know, is forever linked with the once luminous, now loony Faye Dunaway, who read "La La Land" as the Best Picture winner at the 2017 Oscars instead of the actual winner, "Moonlight," which was Barry's movie. Barry followed up "Moonlight" with another art-house hit, "If Beale Street Could Talk," and a streaming miniseries, "The Underground Railroad," but he must not be feeling that art-house and streaming cash, because he's now going full "Get money, bitch!" with Disney. 

And not just with Disney, but with Beyonce and her daughter Blue Ivy Carter, both of whom will star is Disney's "Musafa," a computer-animated prequel to the 2019 computer-animated remake of 1994's regularly-animated "The Lion King," which, of course, no one asked for, but since it made more cheddar than the GDP of several small countries, here we are. And here's Barry, tapped to direct the movie and Blue Ivy, a 12 year-old whose net worth is estimated to be a cool 1 billion and who's already won a Grammy because she's undeniably and singularly talented and no one else on earth can do what she does (excuse me while I laugh so hard I can't tell if it's peepee or tears running down my leg, though surely Bieber knows). 

Far be it from me to deny anyone a Lotto-like payday, and Barry, whose childhood was bleakly impoverished, to put it mildly, is certainly a worthy recipient of Disney's largesse. But for many of us who saw "Moonlight" and thought, "Here's the arrival of a director who's undeniably and singularly talented and no one on earth can do what he does," it's a face-palming disappointment that he's already going full sell-out. To be sure, Hollywood is not a place where talent goes to grow - upon its arrival, it decays profitably - but Jenkins is only 44 years-old, and with only two features under his belt. Still, 50 years from now, when no one is talking about "Moonlight," you better believe they'll be talking about Blue Ivy Carter, and if Barry's lucky, that nice guy director who brought out her undeniable and singular talent. 

The verdict is in: Barry is thirsty!

When I think of all things delicious and even healthy on occasion, I do not think of Walmart. Shocking, I know, but Walmart is determined to change that. See, they're spitting mad that all the kewl kids in town go to Trader Joe's and Whole Foods for their organic uncured buffalo livers and gluten-free small curd ginger snaps 'n such and want in on that sweet-sweet cash from so-called "higher income shoppers." And so voila, they're rolling out "bettergoods" - the brand name being one word and lower-case, just like the kids do on TickTwat! - a line of products which will have natural-ish ingredients and sometimes be "plant-based," the latter a term which means about as much as "I won't cum-blast your face" and "true fruit flavors" and "natural looking spray-on tan."

Will it work? Maybe-kinda-sorta-who-knows? Wall Street is wary, given that "higher income shoppers" generally don't go to Walmart, and when they do, it's for the same reason as everyone else: they want cheap shit. Besides, don't get Wall Street started on Walmart's discounted "Great Value" products, which they say are confusing customers since they're indistinguishable from the discount "Sam's Choice" products, which were originally meant to be premium (huh?). Both product lines will have several of their offerings absorbed by "bettergoods," which means that a regularly cheap-ass can of "Great Value" corn niblets will soon be rebranded as "bettergoods 'Gently Massaged Tru-Veggie Corn Nubs Made With a Yoga Karen's Namaste Kiss.'" Oh, and they'll cost more, too, because just like Barry Jenkins, Walmart is in full and thirsty "Get money, bitch" mode. "Aren't they always?" you ask. Yes, they are, which is enough to make me shed a few real-boy Bieber tears. Or maybe peepee. 

The verdict is in: Walmart is thirsty!

Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched. 

Photo Credits: Justin Bieber/Instagram; Davey Jenkins via Little White Lies; F. MARTIN RAMIN/THE WALL STREET JOURNAL