WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HOR? Is It Eddie Murphy? Or Oprah Winfrey? Or The Coveted Personality Hire?
First up, we have Eddie Murphy, who's been on the publicity ho stroll for his new movie, "Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F," which arrives nearly 30 years after "Beverly Hills Cop III," so obviously there's been pent-up demand for it. Either that or Eddie, the father of 10 children with 5 different women, needs some cheddar. Please note that Nic Canon has 12 children with 6 different women. No word yet on whether he followed in Eddie's raw-dogging steps when he insured his cojones. I suppose some things really must remain a mystery.
Not a mystery? Eddie's thirst, since he's been taking this time to tell multiple interviewers about the cultural importance of his work and to call out all the meanies who don't recognize his brilliance. At first glance, this might seem like the talk of an old shoe taking a final victory lap, but Eddie is only 63, which means that (a) he's very parched and wants an honorary Oscar stat, or (b) he's perpetually parched and just stroking his chode. Insert *Why Not Both?* gif, amirite? Amongst the urgent revelations? Eddie claims that Bill Cosby was a catty bitch when he first hit the scene because he saw him as a threat. But what a difference a few years made! In 2015, Eddie absolutely refused to do any jokes about Cosby, by then a known Rohypnol Rapist. Why, you ask? Because he didn't want to "kick a man when he's down," he said. "If you get up there and crack jokes about (Cosby)...you're hurting him." Cosby agreed, shortly after saying via his spokeswhore, “I am very appreciative of Eddie and I applaud his actions."
Presently, he's also calling out David Spade for being a nasty racist, since in 1995, when Eddie's career was flagging, David showed a picture of Eddie on SNL's “Weekend Update,” giggled and said, “Look children, it’s a falling star. Make a wish.” I'm not sure how "racist" that is, but then I'm not sure why anyone would not want to "kick" and "hurt" a Rohypnol Rapist. I know, I know, call me crazy (You: We'll call you worse!). But Eddie really diddles his sugar walls when he talks about God and not so subtly hints that He prefers him over other comedians, like John Belushi and Robin Williams, who once offered him coke, which he refused. "God was looking after me!" he's now saying while surely wearing a black lace mantilla and clutching his rosary beads. "This is the way it’s supposed to be. This is the way God planned it."
No word yet from God on whether or not He was looking after Eddie in the late 1990s when trans prostitute Shalimar Seiuli was welcomed into his limo in the meat packing distract, at the time NYC's trans-central prostitute gathering spot. Eddie scoffed it off, claiming to the press that he was simply being a "good Samaritan" by giving Seiuli a ride home, though he next paid off a gaggle of trans prostitutes to keep silent. Eddie's not talking about that now, but he is talking about his skills. "I’m a supersensitive artist," he breathlessly confides. "The audience has no clue what’s funny. I know what's funny. You’ve got to show them what’s funny. They don’t know."
The verdict is in: Eddie is thirsty!
Next up, a familiar face to This Week's Thirstiest Hor. Yes, I know, when isn't Oprah thirsty? Or hungry, if we're to take her word for it. But this week, Oprah has a score to settle - and, yes, it involves her weight, since she's a sizable shareholder in Novo Nordisk, the company that makes Ozempic, which, by the way, can both help you lose weight and shit the bed - and that last part’s not a metaphor. Her target? Joan Rivers. In 1985, Oprah was on the publicity ho-stroll for "The Color Purple." Just prior to the movie being shot, by the way, Steven Spielberg found out that she was trying to lose weight. “I hear you’re at a fat farm," she claims he told her. "You lose a pound, you could lose this part." Ouch! By the time the movie hit theatres, Joan was hosting "The Tonight Show" and somewhat bluntly told Oprah that she needed to lose 15 pounds. Oprah is still super-mad that Joan called her out like that, though I'd argue that after nearly 40 years, it's time to drop that weighty burden (see what I did there?). Why is she not also super-mad at Steven? Oh, you silly, because the role he gave her got her an Oscar nomination.
“The fact that there’s a medically approved prescription for managing weight," Oprah now says about Ozempic, "feels like redemption!" No word yet on whether or not Oprah shits the bed, but she's arguably been shitting on the public for decades by producing shows like "Dr. Phil," and "Dr. Oz," the later who pushed hydroxychloroquine, a debunked Covid treatment drug (since he had shares in the company which manufactured it). Oprah also promoted celebs like Jenny McCarthy when she was making unfounded claims about children's vaccines, helping to kick-start the anti-vaxx movement. So, yeah, Oprah's done some not very good things, to put it mildly, but hey, she's got countless shares in Ozempic, presumably needs countless new beds - when you have Oprah money, you don't just shit the bed, you replace it - so why not flog Joan to keep talking about your weight, enrich your stock portfolio and make yourself look like a doe-eyed victim?
The verdict is in: Oprah is thirsty!
Are you full of vim and vigor? Are you an ass-slappin' funster? Just as important, are you incompetent at your job? Do you routinely ask what date New Years' falls on this year? If you answered "yes" or "huh?" to all of the above, then corporate America wants you. You're a "Personality Hire," which means you barely qualify for your position, but gosh darn it, you're a blast to have around, so much so that you increase your fellow coworkers productivity, foster go-girl company loyalty, and create a sassy, effervescent atmosphere which everyone just adores. Or so it would seem.
In many cases, they point out, Personality Hires find themselves getting promoted over fellow employees - or the ones doing actual work - because they're such tirelessly wAcKy suck-ups. But don't tell that to the new brand of Personality Hires, who insist that their "emotional intelligence" is highly valuable, no more so than in meetings, where they do the hard work of "smiling" and "being encouraging." This is their time - and they want everyone to know it.
The verdict is in: Personality Hires are thirsty!
Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched.
Photo Credits: Getty Images; WireImage; Paul Bradbury
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