WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HOR? Is It Frankie Grande? Or Armie Hammer? Or Jennifer Lopez?
Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than Glen Powell's look-at-me lumpy cum gutters, so they need all the moisture they can get.
First up, a nepo half-sibling with no discernible talent except for hitching his wagon to his famous half-sister's ratchet ponytail. Yes, I speak of Frankie Grande, the professional gay who has every gay whipping out their vellum fans, aerating their nipples and huffily intoning, "We don't know her." The straights don't know him, either, but ever since outing himself as the hungriest of attention hors on 2012's "Big Brother 16," in which he proclaimed himself a "social media mogul," made racist comments about Black contestant Devin Shepherd and said, "Lesbians choose to be gay, while men do not," Frankie's been scratching and crawling and guzzling anything within reach to quench his desperate thirst.
Beyond terrorizing regional theatres - and, very briefly, Broadway - and loudly announcing whenever possible that he's Ariana Grande's half-brother, he's vainly attempted to keep himself in the spotlight, trying several times, for instance, to start a pop music career, once by recording a duet with sleazy gay scammer Todrick Hall (it bombed). He also became involved in a heavily publicized throuple with a similarly parched gay male couple (it bombed, ending after two months), and continues to populate YouTube, TickTwat and Instagram as a so-called influencer. "I definitely can’t wander around now without being recognized every four feet,” he recently squealed to the press. “But I love talking with fans. My Starbucks order is a venti iced oat milk latte with three pumps of toffee nut!”
Did I mention that he's Ariana's half-brother? Because like Meghan "My Father is John McCain!" McCain, he'll be dry-humping that horse a lot more as the release date nears for "Wicked," Ariana's movie musical opus. Just this week, in his oddest bid for attention yet, he went to the press to denounce the scurrilous internet rumors that his half-sister is a cannibal, and that cooked human remains and bones were found in her apartment by police. He wasn't joking, though I really do have to slow-clap for Frankie here. Using Arianna's previous press announcement - that she'd love to have dinner with cannibal killer Jeffrey Dahmer - as a jumping-off point for his own ghoulish press announcement is surely Gold Star thirsting. But then like half-brother, like half-sister, since they've both done blackface and blackphishing, while the half-sister, incredibly, has been included on Spotify-curated Black Lives Matter and Black History Month playlists. In the meantime, catch Frankie at his latest gig. At Starbucks.
The verdict is in: Frankie is thirsty!
Speaking of cannibals, who can forget the spectacular downfall of Armie Hammer, whose career ate it and then some after it was revealed that he was perhaps a wee bit too interested in char-broiling the flesh of his lady friends. Not since Frankie Grande ordered a venti iced oat milk latte with three pumps of toffee nut has Hollywood been so gobsmacked. He was even booted from his starring role in a Jennifer Lopez movie, "Shotgun Wedding," which, incredibly, no one saw (or did and won't admit it). Since then, Armie checked into a posh "Treatment Program" - for what, exactly, no one knows, though that old standby, "sex addiction," was bandied about - tried to lay low by selling Cayman Island time shares, then tried to get work as a Cayman Island drama teacher because the theatre scene there is - what, thriving? And all the kids go there after college to start their careers?
Unfortunately for Cayman Island theatre mavens, the self-governing British territory refused to grant him a work permit. “I have come to the place where I understand that there are no free lunches," he noted recently, no doubt accompanying this with a heavy, noblesse-oblige sigh, then further admitted that he could easily borrow money from his wealthy family for funds, but "that's not who I am." Though don't worry, he's still very dehydrated and very desperate. Just this week, he announced that he's writing a screenplay based on his own fascinating life - it's been "incredibly cathartic!" he cried - which will no doubt star Kevin Spacey and be directed by Bryan Singer and produced by Brett Ratner. I kid, of course. Or do I?
Finally, perpetually dehydrated hor, Jennifer Lopez, is not a cannibal as far as I know, but I'm willing to be convinced otherwise and wouldn't put it past her. After all, have we seen Chris Judd lately? Or Ojani Noa? Quick, let's start a rumor that her living room's strewn with their lip-smacking, fricasseed remains! At last she'd be truly fascinating! At any rate, we do know that she's terrible to movie crews - the usual "don't look at her, don't talk to her" nonsense - terrible to service people, and most notoriously, a terrible tipper. The latter we know because it's been well documented, like the time Ben gave a hefty tip to a Vegas waitress, which Jennifer then angrily snatched back. And that's just for starters. She also furiously told an airline flight attendant that their shoes "looked cheap" after the attendant politely told her that she was unable to make her a specialty coffee drink on board the plane, no doubt a venti iced oat milk latte with three pumps of toffee nut, the preferred blend of stars and "social media moguls."
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