WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HOR? Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong? Or Lady Gaga? Or Angelyne's Panties?

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than all those Doritios crumbles between J.D. Vance's couch cushions - 'cause he's always snackin' after sexytimes - so they need all the moisture they can get.

First up, we have Billie Joe Armstrong, the front man for Green Day, a cosmeticized, faux-punk group from the early-90s which aped the moves, sound and attitude of their predecessors, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, and their front man, Anthony Kiedis - sans the Peppers raw talent, innovative discography, and charming socks. I said what I said and shan't be convinced otherwise. Everything about Billie is tricked up, including his sexuality. He's noted that he's in a straight, M/F marriage, but bisexual, which is fine and good, expect when you're tacky about it. This includes the time at an industry party where he allegedly walked up to a long-ago boyfriend with his wife and said, "This guy used to suck my dick," then snorted derisively and led her away. He's also registered as "Libertarian" in California (allegedly), but we'll let that slide for now. Oh, and he's also bosomy buddies with Jared Leto and tried to grab Leto's peen, the later dressed as a pig, when they performed together on stage. Fun times! Rock 'n Roll! With lots of "Vice" fashion shoots and posing and such! 

Never one to miss out on batting his eyes for the press, Billy usually pops up very late-to-the-party to comment on hot-button issues well past their sell-by-date, like trans children. Did you know? He blasted the moral panic surrounding the treatment of trans youngins...six months ago. For this, the press called him "Brave!" and proclaimed that he's "Not afraid to speak his mind!" For sure, positive reenforcement about any unjustly maligned community is always welcome, but note that Billie takes very few risks when doing so, or only enough to ensure that his aging Gen X fans will nod in agreement as they pop another Combos cheddar cheese pretzel.

This was the case this week when Billie and Green Day were performing in Washington DC. That's when a fan "just happened" to hurl a mask on stage, which "just happened" to be of Trump, which "just happened" to have "Idiot" scrawled across its forehead. What are the chances, right?! Not missing a beat, Billie swiped it from the stage and held it up high, much to the delight of the moobs and low-hangers crowd, who applauded Billie and themselves for still being so very bomb-diggity and anti-establishment. And though Kathy Griffin posted a gracious Twatter post acknowledging Billie's thungry stunt, many, including yours truly, couldn't help but wonder why Kathy had to pay such a (very) steep price for her original Trump mask picture, yet for Billy, it's just another day at the thirst trap office. But then he does have a penis, and like always, waited until it was safe and kewl to act. We see you, Billie, and that includes your dry, poorly bleached hair, evidence that, yes, while you may be bisexual, your ghey obviously doesn't love you. 

The verdict is in: Billie is thirsty! 

Next, we have Lady Gaga, pictured above before starting her regime of Ozempic (allegedly!), a highly skilled thirst-trapper whose forthcoming movie - in which a forlorn, disenfranchised couple, Joker and Harley Quinn, wreck havoc and sing songs in what I assume will be the brain-dead version of "Pennies From Heaven" in which a forlorn, disenfranchised couple wreck havoc and sing songs - decided to grace the Paris Olympics Opening Ceremonies with her presence. Since she knew she couldn't out-sing Celine Dion, she put on her high school Drama Club chapeau and decided she would out-glitz and out-perform her. 

But this being Gaga, original inspiration was nowhere to be found, so as usual from this sloppy, same-saming copycat, she ripped off Zizi Jeanmarie, a fabled French ballerina and chanteuse, in a performance which was no mere "homage," as the kids say, but outright theft, since she not only sang Zizi's signature song, but directly copied her staging and costuming, complete with elaborate plumes. The French were not amused - though they snickered at her odd, Count Chocula-sounding French accent - while the rest of the world was baffled, at best, because her crew fouled up her lip-syncing track and you couldn't even hear her properly. "All to the good!" you say, and maybe you're right, but Gaga was spitting mad after reading critiques of her performance. "I wanted nothing more than to create a performance that would warm the heart of France!" she cried, as if she were high on top of a mountain looking down at all the grateful, unwashed descamisados. "We used naturally molted feathers for the plumes! I was so humbled to sing such a special French song!"

So to recap, a thirst-trapping, Celine Dion cock-blocking fail. Or was it? Gaga wasn't finished, of course, and realized that there had to be a way to snatch attention away not only from Celine's once-in-a-lifetime performance, but from everyone in Paris. And so she accidentally-on-purpose "let it slip" to the press at the Opening Ceremonies after party that she was engaged to Michael Polansky, a no-name finance bro who accompanied her. In fact, she demurred, she's been secret-engaged to him for a few months, but didn't want to reveal this fact before the Olympics, she breathlessly continued, because she was fearful she might steal focus from the games. If you aren't falling over laughing at the notion of Gaga being able to seize attention away from the world's finest, hotter-than-hot athletes, I'll laugh for you. For those keeping track, this is the third engagement-but-no-tomato for Gaga. I'm actually fearful for her. Not about her love life, but her thirstation game. She's slipping and it makes me sad. 

The verdict is in: Lady Gaga is thirsty!

Finally, the OG dehydrated hor herself, who became famous simply for being. I'll admit, I have a soft spot for Angelyne. I still see her driving around town on occasion in her pink Corvette, and sometimes parked at the local Trader Joe's, where I once purchased two "official," somewhat overpriced, Angelyne T-shirts. She keeps them neatly stacked in her Corvette trunk, along with other branded items like posters and signed photographs. I'd only planned to buy one T-shirt for the hubs, but she insisted I buy more - and God bless her, she wasn't about to take "no" for an answer. 

I asked her about the rumor that she's hired several "decoy Angelynes" who supposedly wear her signature wig and drive her pink Corvette about town, which is believable, since, in person, her wig and sunglasses practically swallow her whole. She lowered her sunglasses and winked. "How do you know I'm really Angelyne and not a decoy?" she jested in her squeaky, Minnie Mouse voice, but then insisted that while she does, in fact, have more than one pink Corvette, she's a one-woman operation at this stage of her life and I believe her. By the way, don't you dare try to take her picture if you see her. You must pay for that privilege, as many have learned, since she has a sixth sense for when a phone is raised in her vicinity and will quickly cover her face or turn away. "Bye, honey, see you 'round," she said after I bought my T-shirts, then motored away, leaving behind a trail of pink smoke from her car's exhaust pipe. I'm certain I saw that. 

This week, Angelyne's in the press again - and it's been a while. For reasons that I can't fathom, she's eager to raise money for her own miniseries about her life, even though the 2022 Peacock mini-series about her life was very well done (and Emmy Rossum was uncanny as our heroine). Hollywood isn't biting, unfortunately, so she's decided to do it all herself and announced her latest fundraising effort: Official Angelyne worn panties. "Worn" as in used. As in over $300.00 as a starting bid for each lacy, unwashed scanty, including thongs. On one hand: "You go girl." On the other: eeeow! Used panties from an aging meemaw? How "used" are we talking about here? Don't answer that! Yet I'm hoping there's lots of pervs out there who take her up on it. I really want a new Angelyne movie, especially if she's playing herself at all stages of her life. Will you chip in? Our GOAT Lady of Thirst needs the moisture. 

The verdict is in: Angelyn is thirsty!

Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched.

Photo Credits: Green Day Inc/Instagram; ShowbizNews