Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Hor?" Today's trio are drier than J.D.Vance's surprise cornholio - "Ouch! No lube?!" - while wearing his demure dinner wig because: fashun, so they need all the moisture they can get.
First up, we have Demi Moore, an old hand at thirst-trapping who first caught our attention in 1982 by showing off her extra-furry chocha when she was only 19 years-old. Whatever it takes, right? I want to know what she fed that thing! For the kiddies in our audience, this was back when vaginas weren't shaved and waxed, but only lightly trimmed, the pubes resembling an upside-down triangle or a jumbo, furry pizza slice, though if I'm being honest, Demi's looked more like a small bear cub about to attack. Roar! I wouldn't want to get on its bad side, would you? Thinking about a minge-binge? Open wide, but have plenty of dental floss for after.
From there, Demi's shaggy hatch was off and running, consuming near everything in its path. In 1991, she stunned the word by appearing nude on the cover of "Vanity Fair" with a humongous fuck-bump. It was a photo that paved the way for all thirst-trappers to follow, and if I'm being honest - I can only be honest! - it has never been topped, if only because it wasn't porn, but it was somehow porn-adjacent, complete with a bitch-slap side of scolding, how-dare-you-call-it-porn because she's with child, you rube. People talked! But still, Demi wasn't done. For the 1996 movie "Striptease," she unveiled her staggering new Tupperware titties, or two jumbo-sized killer casabas that looked so huge and heavy, with her skin stretched so tight around them, I swear I could hear her nipple knobs crying out, "Help meeeeeeee!" You've heard of pain for art? This was pain for thirst.
Demi kept on hitting the parched pavement by marrying the much younger Ashton Kutcher, of course, and later revealing that he lured her somewhat unwillingly into three-ways, as well as telling-all about her digestive problems. Lately, she's made something of an acting comeback by appearing in "Capote vs. The Swans," but this wasn't enough to satiate her. Just last week, Demi proudly and demurely announced to the press, "Farting! We all do it!" Demi is on a new crusade, it seems, hoping to normalize the act of butt-sneezing. To that end, she did a dramatic reading last week from the book, "An Adult's Guide To Farts," and became the spokeshor for Wonderbelly's "clean ingredient" antacids, which she's invested in, including their latest product "Bloat + Gas." From her chinchilla chocha to her burping backside, Demi's travelled quite a road. And if I'm being honest, I don't think she's done.
The verdict is in: Demi is thirsty!
Next, we everyone's favorite "Yuck, why?" movie actor, as in "Yuck, why is he famous? Remind me again?" I will, but reluctantly. Toby Maguire is a wormy, somewhat fetal-looking actor-type who achieved worldwide fame by landing the lead role in "Spiderman" opposite Kirsten Dunst. Kristen moved on to have a stellar career...and Toby? Not so much, if I'm being honest, and I can only be honest, as you well know. If he's renown for anything, it his membership in the "Pussy Posse," a group founded in the late 1990s and comprised of Toby, Kevin Connelly, Lukas Haas and various hangers on, all of whom follow Leonardo DiCaprio around like lapdogs on his nightly bar-hopping, near-underage-model-snatching jaunts from Skybar to Veruka to whatever club or restaurant was or is "hot" at the moment.
“Stop looking at me like that, you goddamn whore!” screamed Leonardo to a woman in a bar who ran off in tears in "Don's Plum," a scalding, largely improvised 2001 movie which charted the fictionalized bar-hopping travails of Leonardo, Toby and the rest of the Pussy Posse - yet before it was released to movie theatres, Leonardo sued to get it buried, perhaps realizing that this was not the post-"Titanic" look he wanted his fans to see. Smart move, Leo! Leonardo's gone on to have a smashing career...and Toby? Not so much. But he's still a part of the Pussy Posse, dammit, even more so now that he's divorced his age-appropriate, presumably disposable, wife.
Given that, he wants everyone to know that he's still just as cool as Leonardo, and just like Leonardo, can still get prime young puss, or at least Leonardo's older cast-offs (allegedly!). In his latest pay-attention-to-me-call-the-paps-but-look-surprised! photo shoot, 49 year-old Tobey was "spotted" on the beaches of Sardinia sticking his squirmy tongue down the throat of 24 year-old Babette Strijbos, a so-called "next generation" model who once appeared in a fashion editorial entitled, "Your Body, Not Your Soul." Coincidence? Oh, and Babette's only 7 years older than Tobey's daughter. What? We're all adults here, aren't we? Besides, I bet they watch the same TikTok videos and wear the same Chuck Taylors (in pink!), so Tobey's totes kEwL with both of them. Or is it confusing? My daughter, my whore! My daughter, my whore! Oh, and why Sardinia? Because that's where his bestie Leonardo is parking it at the moment. Tobey hasn't had a significant acting role since he appeared in the 2013 Leonardo-starrer, "The Great Gatsby" - I guess even Leo can't convince Scorcese to throw him a bone - but his greatest role as Leonardo's Pussy Posse friend continues to fire on all cylinders. And, yes, he wants everyone to know it.
The verdict is in: Tobey is thirsty!
Finally, meet Megan Davis, who's just starting her thirst career, and while she's not showing off her hairy taco like Demi did back in the day, she's off to a wonderful start. Megan's so far worked as many up-and-coming actors do. Little bit parts here and there. She played a prostitute in an episode of "American Horror Story," played a prostitute in an episode of "Young and Hungry," and played a prostitute in an episode of "Bones." Yes, she has range. Or else leering casting directors think of only one thing when they see her: "I'd pay for that." But huzzah, a big break for our Megan finally arrived. She was cast to play the female lead in Tubi's original drama, "Hot Take: The Depp/Heard Trial," playing Amber Heard with luxuriously dyed blonde locks.
Did anyone see it? I didn't see it. No one I know has. How was she? Who knows? But Megan's a smart one. The movie aired almost a year and half ago, but only last week, she managed to make gossip headlines by latching onto Amber's notoriety and telling the press how she "overcame so much hate" in order to play the role. Online trolls who loath the bisexual Amber, it seems, were after Megan from the moment she was announced to play the role, then throughout the production, and during and after its broadcast. I actually believe her, yet it's such a mucho-clever stunt queen move to tell this story so long after the fact - or to remind casting directors that you exist and have played more than just prostitutes.
"I had to deal with a lot of my own internalized homophobia when people would call me gay," she added, referring to Amber's sexuality, "because I was like, I feel like I’m queer, pansexual, bisexual, whatever you want to call it. But then I realized that my aversion to the label had to do with my own healing journey.” Slow-clapping for that buzzy word salad, Megan, but most of all, genuine clapping for getting any press at all. I have a feeling we'll be seeing you again.
The verdict is in: Megan is thirsty!
Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched.
Photo Credits: Drew Escriva; CIAOPIX/Cobra Team/Backgrid; Getty Images
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