► We all have woken up hungover in places that either: 1) we'd rather forget; or 2) can't remember how we got there. The character in this story managed to do both in grand style. A racoon broke into a liquor store to get an early start on the office holiday party season. It all happened at an Ashland, Virginia liquor store. Shocking that it wasn't Florida. The store was closed but the ringtail bandit found a way in. Once inside, it headed straight for the finest tonics: scotch and whiskey. No beer, Boone's Farm, or cheap swill for this critter.  After breaking a few bottles, it indulged in the sweet nectar while re-creating Tammy Cruise's bartending skills in "Cocktail". It then went on a rampage, breaking more stuff and drinking more hooch until it finally passed out on the bathroom floor like White House DUI hire, Pete Hegseth after a state dinner. Good thing the racoon was alone cause had it brought friends along I'm betting they would have d...

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Hor?" Today's trio are drier than J.D.Vance's surprise cornholio - "Ouch! No lube?!" - while wearing his demure dinner wig because:  fashun , so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, we have Demi Moore, an old hand at thirst-trapping who first caught our attention in 1982 by showing off her extra-furry chocha when she was only 19 years-old. Whatever it takes, right? I want to know what she fed that thing! For the kiddies in our audience, this was back when vaginas weren't shaved and waxed, but only lightly trimmed, the pubes resembling an upside-down triangle or a jumbo, furry pizza slice, though if I'm being honest, Demi's looked more like a small bear cub about to attack. Roar! I wouldn't want to get on its bad side, would you?  Thinking about a minge-binge? Open wide, but have plenty of dental floss for after.   From there, Demi's sha...

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than a crumbling wine cork between an overflowing Dumpster and a leased Chevy Trax behind an off-ramp 7-11, so they need all the moisture they can get. First, we have perpetual thirsty gal, Gwyneth Paltrow , who's an expert at gaining attention, what with her vagina-scented candles (did she ever say whose vagina it smelled like? Was it  Oprah's vagina? Justin Timberlake's ?  That Damn Judi Dench's ?). Then there's her instructions on how to yawn properly (yes, she insists, you're doing it wrong; I'm assuming it's all about opening wide-wide-wide, like giving a blowie to The Hammaconda ); how to speak kind words to water before drinking it (to encourage it's "good molecular structure") (huh?); and how to pump oxygen with a catheter up your b-hole, followed by a deep, spiritually-uplifting coffee enema (the latte...