WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HOR? Is it Gwyneth Paltrow? Or Patti Stanger? Or "Famous Birthdays?"

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than a crumbling wine cork between an overflowing Dumpster and a leased Chevy Trax behind an off-ramp 7-11, so they need all the moisture they can get.

First, we have perpetual thirsty gal, Gwyneth Paltrow, who's an expert at gaining attention, what with her vagina-scented candles (did she ever say whose vagina it smelled like? Was it Oprah's vagina? Justin Timberlake's? That Damn Judi Dench's?). Then there's her instructions on how to yawn properly (yes, she insists, you're doing it wrong; I'm assuming it's all about opening wide-wide-wide, like giving a blowie to The Hammaconda); how to speak kind words to water before drinking it (to encourage it's "good molecular structure") (huh?); and how to pump oxygen with a catheter up your b-hole, followed by a deep, spiritually-uplifting coffee enema (the latter procedure surely taking days and days for Gwyneth to complete). 

This week, she relied on that old reliable, i.e. name-dropping, something she's quite skilled at. After all, she never hesitates to let us know about her childhood relationship with "Uncle Stevie," aka Steven Spielberg, or her famed parents, whom she thanked with both their first and last names - not just mother and father, as the regulars do - while giving her acceptance speech after inexplicably winning a nepo-baby Oscar, which, by the way, she didn't begrudge herself for because children of famous parents, she notes, "Have to work twice as hard!" Yes, it's true, for every porta-potty you cleaned as a child laborer, she had to clean three. 

This week, she wasn't about to let Princess Kate Middleton's healthy reappearance in public after getting a face lift steal focus. "So happy to see you looking so happy and well!" she hastily scribbled on all of the Princess' socials, which racked up thousands upon thousands of "likes" from fans - though whether they were fans of Gwyneth or the Princess, who can say? Yet as some were quick to note, Gwyneth doesn't really know the Princess at all, and conversely, is quite palsy-walsy with Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, or Walmart Wallis and Prince Waaagh (© Few Words, All Rights Reserved, Patent Pending). This is no surprise, since it was likely Gwyneth who gave Meghan the idea to sell overpriced jam to the strivers in lieu of her first idea, Pretty-Pretty Royal Princess Vagina-scented candles (in Meghan's case, they smell like desperation, moist self-obsession and Oprah's lubed forefingers). Regardless, if you're famous, Gwyneth is in your socials - whether you're living, whether you're recovering from chemo, whether she knows you or not - because she has to work twice as hard at her thirst game as anyone else. 

The verdict is in: Gwyneth is thirsty!

Next up, a person who probably got called "Stinker" in elementary school, and far be it for me not to call her that here. Aggressively. Stinker-Stinker-Stinker! I'm, like, so mature, right? Yes, it's Patty Stanger, a vision above with - what, exactly? Puddles on her thighs? A recessed tummy-tuck scar? I kid, of course, and would never knowingly body shame anyone. Except for Stanger, an anti-Semitic twat - "Jewish men lie!" she's once furiously proclaimed, amongst other nasty rejoinders - who's also relentlessly homophobic, since "acting queeny" is very much a no-no in her book. "You're very handsome, so I thought you were straight," she once told a gay single. Oh, Patti, you're so very cunty - and I always thought you were cunty. 

Still, a ho's gotta ho, and this self-proclaimed "Millionaire Matchmaker" has been quite parched this week, telling every outlet within horking distance that she's ready to give her help to none other than Leonardo DiCaprio. "I have big plans for him!" she declared ominously, before adding, "I would like to see him settle down and have a kid." Then she gushed like an elementary school girl called Stinker-Stinker-Stinker whenever she walks in a room, "Isn't he cute? He's my favorite actor!" 

Yes, of course, Leonardo will definitely pull out of his latest 24 year-old model's shaved pie-hole and allow you to find "the one" for him, even though he's seemingly modeled his ho life after Warren Beauty (but with super-extra-bonus scabies and no Annette Bening in sight). “I’d like somebody in their 30s,” said Stanger, describing her ideal mate for Leonardo as if she were shopping for expired, sale-priced beef loin. “Let’s go early 30s. I’m an astrologer, so somebody who’s gone through their Saturn Return." Good luck with that, Patti, and enjoy what little moisture you're getting this week. 

The verdict is in: Patti is thirsty!

Finally, can you hear all that petulant whining, foot-stomping and door slamming? Loud, isn't it? And no, it's not a bunch of 4 year-olds having a temper tantrum, it's a bunch of "influencers." This is how they sound when they aren't getting enough attention - and darn it, they're going to hold their breath until their faces turn purple if you don't give it to them. And they want a gold star, too, a lifetime supply of Skittles and a "Very Good Participant!" trophy. They want it all now-now-now, or by golly, they'll smear their poopy all over the wall. Picture, if you will, an influencer or TickTwat "star" working rully-rully hard and not having a place that regularly acclaims their achievements, like Wikipedia, which largely ignores them. Intolerable! Unacceptable! You're all reported, snubbed and cancelled!

Luckily, these thirsty, talent-free butt-nuggets now have a place to call home. It's called "Famous Birthdays," and as its creator, Evan Britton, says it's "Wikipedia for the mobile!" and "for micro-Internet notables!" who are famous-ish on TickTwat, Elon Musk's X, YouTube, and other places where Gen X and Gen Z peeps amass followings from fellow Gen X and Gen Z peeps - it's like looking in a mirror! - all of whom want instant validation for being an influencer, a "job" most are surprised to find no longer pays anything remotely resembling a livable salary. "Not fair!" they cry. Oh, and that lifetime supply of Skittles? Pff. These days, they're lucky to get a week's supply for a 6 month promotional tag, if that. 

But at least they have Famous Birthdays, which - along with its occasional inclusion of actual stars to make it seem "iMpOrTaNt" - gives them  validation in the form they deserve. Evan is hoping that his site will soon become a "pillar of the Internet, just like Wikipedia!" but since the site has a long way to travel - lights years, you might say - before it reaches Wikipedia's near 5 billion unique monthly visitors, I'm going to guess that that day will arrive: never.  Still, if you're 22, bone-dry for moisture, live in mom's basement and yearn for easy fame, at least you can tell your parents and your sticky sock or dry-dry puss that "Famous Birthdays" knows exactly who you are. Hooray! Either that, or pay the site for "Famous BirthdaysPro" for an even heavier soaking. 

The verdict is in: Famous Birthday's is thirsty!

Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, so choose one, or if you like, rank this week's three in descending order of 1) mega-thirsty to 2) thirsty-thirsty to 3) thirsty. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched.

Photo Credits: New Line Cinema; Mavrix; Famous Birthdays