OPEN POST: Is It Ever Okay To Fart In Public?

Whether you're at the grocery or a concert hall, is it ever okay to tushy-cough in public? First, just to get this out of the way, if you're 75 or older, or if you're ailing, please feel free to booty burp to your heart's content. I won't fault you for it. On the other hand, if you've taken your seat with your special someone to watch a string quartet perform Haydn or Schumann, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that's it's not the best time for a tuba solo. Especially if it's a death fart, or a fart so odiferous that people aside you start tearing up. 

But what if you're just minding your own business, walking past someone in the store - someone you'll never see again - is it okay to let go with a mild toot? I say yes! You're not laying a neutron bomb that people might hear or smell the next aisle over, and hopefully you're tooting after the person's walked past you, not towards you, since with the latter, they might be caught in a cloud of stank. In this case, I think you're okay. Does your mileage vary?

As to whether or not it's okay to unleash muffled ass thunder on the first date, don't. Ever. There is no circumstance when this is okay. Don't do it on the 2nd or 3rd date or thereafter, either. And if you're coupled, be an adult, dammit. If you know you're given to regular trouser whistles, then FFS, buy some GasX or its equivalent. Don't be that partner, who, three years in, get's all sloppy and unleashes stinky canary killers here, there and everywhere. It's not hot. It's not demure. It's not even cute. 

What are your rules for flapping those cheeks and airing out the caboose?