THE ROVING PECKER PRESENTS: "A Very Goopy Weekend" by Mizcynical!

Greetings, Manor Hors! Periodically, "The Roving Pecker" presents urgent missives from filthy esteemed guest writers. Today's is from Mizcynical!

So what are your plans this weekend? If you happen to have a spare $5,000, or even $1,200, burning a hole in your pocket in this economy, then I have just the thing for you. Gwyneth Paltrow, our favorite out-of-touch-basic-bitch (who was briefly African), is hosting an in-person wellness summit. Because of course she is and her timing couldn't be more exquisite. Perhaps, dear reader, you don't live in Los Angeles, therefore missing out on the opportunity to see and work with her in the Santa Monica goop office - and if you do, this means you earn enough money to afford a studio apartment with six roommates in one of the most expensive cities in the world. 

Another downside of not living in L.A. is that you don't have an overpriced Panera Bread - oops, I meant goop kitchen - near you, therefore, missing out on the opportunity of enjoying the food inspired by its illustrious founder, the smoker with an eating disorder and straw-like hair, i.e.,  Gwyneth, the picture of perfect health. If you live outside of Los Angeles, then, yes, this weekend's event is the opportunity to get close to your celebrity wellness guru, whose only credentials are that she graduated from an expensive private high school and was once called "The First Lady of Miramax" by no less than the currently-incarcerated Harvey Weinstein. Quite the resume!

If you're wondering what the $1,200 ticket entitles you to, you plebe, as it's the inexpensive option, here you go:

* Three expert-led talks and conversations.

   I've never heard of these experts, have you?

* An "Ask Me Anything: session with Gwyneth.  

   I'd probably have the microphone yanked from my hand if I really 

   started asking anything. 

* A panel discussion hosted by Gwyneth and New Balance. 

   I'm disappointed that a respected brand like New Balance would tie 

   themselves to this charlatan.

* A fireside conversation between Gwyneth and a "special guest." 

   So the tube that she uses for colonics? Is it sentient now? Can it talk?

* Breakfast, lunch, and snacks. 

   You'd have better luck, and feel more full, foraging for a meal in the   

   Santa Monica mountains. Or asking the homeless in the area for some 

   of their scraps.

* Pop-up stations. 

   Pop-up colonics? Vagina steaming? I need details, dammit!

* A beauty and wellness gift bag. 

   If it includes her vagina candle, thanks, but I'll pass.

Alternatively, if you have an AmEx card and need to spend the entire weekend with our Fishsticks Goddess, you can go for the $4,550 option which includes the following (in addition to what was outlined above):

*  Reserved seating at the Saturday summit. 

   To be seated, you have to pass the folding chair test. Meaning, if your 

   butt cheeks touch either of the support legs, then you're too fat to 

   attend. Clearly you haven't been practicing the Tracy Anderson 

   method. You'll be promptly escorted out.

* A welcome event on Friday. 

  There's no mention of food, so I wouldn't go on an empty stomach. 

  Also, there's no mention of who's going to be in attendance at this so- 

  called welcome event, so there'll probably be some goop intern        

  standing around awkwardly handing out brochures, lemon slices and  

  other crap from the utility closet at goop offices where the intern lives 

  full-time with six other interns. 

* A private cocktail reception with Gwyneth on Saturday. 

  Claps hands excitedly! Yay! She's going to grace us with her presence! 

  What kind of cocktail do you think Gwyneth drinks? A martini without 

  olives because they have too many calories? How many cocktails do 

  you think you'd need to drink in order to feel as though you got your 

  $4,000 worth? Why do I get the sense that her mom Blythe would be 

  someone that I'd have a rollicking time with getting shitfaced drunk? 

  Must be that WASP-y air that she gives off.

* A farewell event on Sunday. 

  Again, no guest list, no specifics. My pre-diabetes senses are telling me 

  that after spending an entire weekend starving, you'll be ready to 

  bypass this event and go straight to the nearest In-N-Out.

* A two-night hotel stay (Friday and Saturday nights) at the Maybourne 

  Beverly Hills, a Fine Hotels + Resorts® property. 

  I have a feeling that the cost of this hotel is what makes up the bulk of 

  the sticker price. You'll likely feel fuller and enjoy your time more if 

  you just hang around the hotel and order room service. But be 

  careful. On the hotel's Yelp page, a reviewer complained that their        

  pricy Clams Without Shells Pasta dish tasted of canned clams. So 

  Gwyneth Paltrow. Canned clams. Naw, too easy. 

After what we've been collectively dealing with for the past week or so, nothing would please me more than opening up my socials on Monday morning and learn that this event turned into Fyre Fest 2.0 with a bunch of Basic Becky influencers taking to social media and crying about how disappointed they were with the event, food, etc., but I know that'll never happen. The trash people who attend this charlatan fest are going to be content to peck at an over-priced, bland trail mix with some Goop-approved brand slapped on it. The reality is that if you've been following her for this long and plunked down $1,200 to be in close proximity to her then you're too far gone to admit how foolish you are.

Photo Credits: Getty Images; Michael Thompson Studio