In Praise Of: The BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS!

Why praise? Because to paraphrase Tallulah Bankhead after seeing the rushes of her close-ups in "Die, Die, My Darling," I'm older than God's wet nurse! I remember "Battle of The Network Stars," and they were EVERYTHING to this little blond homo.

Where else could you see little Joanie Cunningham competing at gymnastics against "Barney Miller's" Abe Vigoda? Or see the know-it-all eldest sister from Eight Is Enough kick-boxing Robert Urich right in his meaty crotch and then doing a victory dance over his prone, writhing body? Or Linda Evans fighting an exfoliation deathmatch against Joan Van Ark? (okay, maybe that last one didn't happen but it should have!)

Those were the days, my friend, I hoped they'd never end! Just check out the sheer STAR WATTAGE in this clip!


I mean, could you just? Robin Williams, Dave Letterman, Val Bertinelli, Bill Shatner, the adorable LeVar Burton (pre Geordi La Forge), and Gabe Kaplan. Also Robert Conrad, Tim Reid, Joyce Dewitt, the yummy Joseph Bottoms (that's not an observation, it's his actual name), Lou Ferrigno, the disgustingly beautiful Maren Jensen, and the biggest star of the 20th century, the diminutive diva from Dallas, miss Charlene Tilton! If you think I'm being hyperbolic, in her seminal special "Way To Go, Woman!" no less an authority than Lola Heatherton declared Tilton in the pantheon of Mother Teresa, Margaret Trudeau, Lily Tomlin and Sandra Day O'Connor.


Honestly, "Battle Of The Network Stars" is a tradition we need to revive, and across all entertainment spectrums--not just network TV, but cable, streaming and theatrical, all having a blast, being good sports and kickin' ass!


I'd love to see the OG Wonder Woman La Lynda go mano-a-mano with Gal Gadot, although I'm pretty sure the original would trounce the newbie 

So what do *you* think? Which celebs would you like to see go all Mortal Kombat on each other? Just don't say Kum and Parasite, because as far as I'm concerned the only way there'd be a winner is if Dallas' Pam Ewing (Victoria Principal) showed up from a happier, more innocent time, decapitated *both* of 'em and then gave us lucky onlookers a wink and a smile!


Photo Credits: Getty Images; ABC Network

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