OPEN POST: HOW MUCH SWAG IS TOO MUCH SWAG?

Confession: I am a swag ho. I am. I don't care who knows it. I can't wait to see what's in there when a party or an event has swag. Sometimes I am thrilled-skincare swag-sometimes I am like, what the?-sex toy swag. 

I must collect things year-round to offer guests at our yearly Christmas parties, kid's birthday parties, and Halloween party every year. People expect it. They want that bag; no matter if the party is sorry, there is always the bag.

Once, an alarmingly frank kid approached me and asked at my daughter's birthday party."Where is my party bag?" I was horrified and looked at her mom for support, and she looked back like, "Yeah bitch where is the swag?" My mom was still stuffing bags in the next room because I had fucked it up with my sparse offerings. Adding some extra tissue paper was incredible; lots of colorful stuffing was festive. And that was a done deal, or so I thought. "Mija, ¿En qué estabas pensando?" my mom asked. What was I thinking? I was told they were sad and anemic. So off my mom ran to get more stuff, and she went wild, and the kids were oooh and aaaahing over their kiddie swag. Personally, dollar store stuff was good enough as far as I was concerned; I didn't realize I needed at least a lot for 6-year-olds. Yes, 6. My mom hit a local mart and found stuff to overstuff those bags to the rim. 

Now that they are older, those asks get absurd, but I am not a Joan of Arc of Anti-Swag, so I capitulate weakly; I don't dare to fight the power of the gift bag. People want them, and they want them to be good. 

So, when I read about the Golden Globe Swag Bag, I was impressed by its offerings, but not by who received them. These people have so much already. Why do they need more? Then I remembered. It isn't about who gets it. The GGs would be judged on this, and if the bags had been bad, then it would have made the news. So what did these spoiled, I mean talented, beings receive:

The Bag

All 100 people who were eligible for the gift bag will have received:

Five-day luxury yacht charter throughout the Coral Triangle in Indonesia ($60,000)

One-night stay in a Beverly Hills suite ($1,500)

A five-night stay in a Grand Cayman resort ($55,000)

Beau Domaine The Fluid Cream ($209)

A choice of decadent organic linen or cotton sateen sheets ($572 – $1,392)

A cutting-edge LED Light Therapy Face Mask Series 2 ($469)

Vitamin C Serum and COQ10 ($98)

A kit of flowery skin-care essentials ($290)

A bottle of The Hearach Single Malt Scotch Whisky and/or Isle of Harris Gin ($90 and $150)

*A private flight and stay in Finland to see the Northern Lights ($48,000, available to one recipient)*

Three-night stay in a beachfront villa in Turks and Caicos ($507,492, available to nine recipients)

A non-surgical Stemcell Facelift ($40,000, available to one participant)

A rare bottle of Komos XO tequila ($2,000, available to 10 participants)

I would be highly miffed if I didn't get the Finland jaunt. Reportedly, Ralph Fiennes had his eye on it. Why not me? WHY NOT ME? Some of the other stuff is meh. Vitamin C Serum? 98 dollars vs. Northern Lights? Keep your freakin' serum and pony up Finland or at least Turks and Caicos. It's too bad we don't know who got what, so I can suddenly show up pretending to be a Finish translator with Arokaepy on speed dial. 

BTW, looking for Peckerwood's Weekly Lunocracy Post? It's RIGHT HERE.