THE ROVING PECKER PRESENTS: "Selena And Benny, How Long Will They Last?" by Saucy Kitty!

Greetings, Manor Hors! Periodically, "The Roving Pecker" presents urgent missives from filthy esteemed guest writers. Today's is from Saucy Kitty!

What should we call them? Belena? Senny? Tiresome? Many of you have read that Selena Gomez has finally gotten engaged to music producer Benny Blanco, aka that fugly guy in the pink furry bathroom picture in People’s "Sexiest Man Alive" edition, aka the dude who gave her a bathtub filled with queso cheese for Valentine’s Day, prompting protests about food waste and the gross-nasty of eating out of a bathtub. My personal protest? What’s with the icky bathroom stuff?

Before I pop the question (ha!), a brief background on the soon-to-be-wed (OR WILL THEY?):

Selena started her ascent to fame on PBS’s “Barney & Friends” and went on to star in the Disney teen sitcom, “Wizards of Waverley Place.” Following that, she launched a singing career with such hits as… eh, must I? Do we care? I say no. She also starred in a bunch of films that I’ve never heard of. Anyhow, Selena is a STAH who now appears in “Only Murders in the Building,” along with Steve Martin and Martin Short. She plays the young, jaded, flat-affect Mabel. 

Oh, yeah, she also just starred in “Emilia Pérez,” which for some reason (I hear it’s not that great) got nominated for a bunch of Oscars. We could go into her kidney transplant drama, her drug issues drama, her lupus drama, etc, but just know they exist/happened. Her Wikipedia page is very, very long and detailed, if you want to look any of that up. I personally feel that I’ve done enough reading about these issues to last me a lifetime, thankyouverymuchly.

Benny Blanco is a music producer who is known for working with notables like Justin Beiber (Selena’s ex), Halsey, Ed Sheeran, SZA, The Weeknd, Ariana Grande Latte, Sia, Rihanna, Avicii, and a ton of others. The publifc hadn't really heard of him before he started dating Selena. OK, I hadn’t heard of him before he started dating Selena, and I doubt many of you Peckerwoodians had, either, so there. Like most “celebrities,” he also published a cookbook last year. It not only features recipes, but advice from many people I’ve also never heard of his friends.

When Selena and Benny got together, fans pointed out that he aimed a thinly-veiled insult at her in 2020, comparing her to her ex, Beiber, by saying, “Justin's not one of those cookie-cutter pop artists. Like, you know, they're like, 'this is my new single and here's my makeup line.'” Articulate, like, isn’t he? Selena responded to fans’ concerns by saying, “He's still better than anyone I've ever been with. Facts." Considering that the guys she dated previously included Justin “Douchebro” Beiber, The Weeknd, and one of the Jonas Brothers, that’s not saying a heap. Seriously, the Benny recently admitted that he doesn’t shower every day. Yuck.

Benny recently-ish popped the question and let Selena buy her own ring and bought her a big ol’ marquise diamond, apparently based on the fact that she once sang, “I’m a marquise diamond” in… some song of hers. Original, no? Wuv. Tu-woo wuv!

Anyhow, we are gathered here today to vote, baby, vote! Please cast your predictions on the following:

Will Belena make it down the aisle? 

Yes/No

How long will the marriage last before they break up?

1. Six months

2. One year

3. More than one year but less than 2

4. They won’t get married

Lastly, why will they break up? 

A. Justin will get a divorce and get back with Selena

B. Benny will cheat on Selena

C.They’ll get jealous of each others’ fame

D. As long as they have a spectacular divorce that we’ll see in real-time on social media, I'm in.

Photo Credits: Getty Images; Pathe Films/Amazon