OPEN POST: COWBOY CARTER TOUR BEGINS! BUT NO YEEHAW FOR BEY AND BILLY AND LIZZIE! YEENO! YEEYUCK.!

These two stories are not directly connected, but they both highlight individuals in the country music scene whose careers within that genre seem underwhelming. Beyoncé's whole Cowboy Carter schtick is ludicrous. 

It reveals the enormity of her ego, as well as her susceptibility to the hype and fawning of her delusional, rabid fans and the Grammy voters who live up her ass once a year. But even the Beyhive struggles with country B. Those bitches know deep down they don't like no country music. They know they are disappointed and would rather have songs about faux black woman empowerment (even as she acts like a controlled zombie under the thrall of Svengali J) and tepid over-produced dance songs. They should know the million-dollar wind machine will be at work; they should see that the show will be vast and overblown. They should know she will elevate the boot scootin' boogie to some laughable two-step hip-hop mess that she will perform like she's inventing the wheel. Don't they know her by now? Maybe they do, and that's why they are rejecting her cringey cosplay. 

I am so happy that she finally gets a come down. Finally, people are forsaking her like they should, and I am thrilled to watch tickets fall to the price of a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and a slushie. I laughed my ass off and devoured the comments and actually found Fiddy Cent's trolling on point. 

50 Cent posted a screenshot of the report, writing, “👀 s**t getting real out here,” and adding, “🤔 Hey the tickets ain’t selling?”

Some people think the tickets are too expensive, and let's be real, who in the fick fickity fick wants to watch a show of country tunes when all they want is Bootylicious. At the same time, the Queen (hahahaha) prances around looking like a demented Buffalo Soldier with absurd Farrah blonde hair and bleached skin to make her look white. It is so gross and disgusting that, on that point alone, her failure is deeply satisfying. 

Tickets for the show reportedly range from $93 to $1,231 (£71.60 to £950), including fees, with a per-order handling fee of $4 (£2.75). Only 3/30 shows have sold out. Imagine that. I do, and I find it comforting like a warm blanket on a wintry night. 

Speaking of the Grand Ole Opry, what in the hell's bells satanic hellhounds taint is Elizabeth Hurley doing with a newly single Achey Breaky idiot? Why Liz? Explain why this coupling is okay with you, girl? Can't you do a little better? A wee bit? Billy Ray is a terrible person with an ugly past with women, and Liz, you...I mean Liz you dated...surely those high quality...Hugh Grant was a choice...okay, he's right up your l'il alley in an upside-down way. She loves men who are losers with messy pasts, but Cyrus does surprise me. He looks like a mountain man who runs moonshine in the Smoky Hills of Kentucky. Pretty soon Liz will be running around in assless chaps, chewing tabacky and talking about the good old days in Butcher's Holler. 

Lovely right? Gwen and Blake have nothing on this duo. FFS. Gross. Pig tails? So you needed the above piccie twice. I want to assault your sensibilities like mine have been. Suffer with me. 

I am grossed out by how smelly he looks, but after a week-long moonshine runnin' bender, what do we expect?