THE ROVING PECKER PRESENTS: "Morning Wood - Houseplants After Covid" By D'Hermitage!

Greetings, Manor Hors! Periodically, "The Roving Pecker" presents urgent missives from filthy esteemed guest writers. Today's post is written by D'Hermitage!

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Horlettes, stay with me, it’s a bit much. When Covid happened, some people began to realize how much they’d like to have a little greenery inside their house, since they were no longer able to go outside and ignore them on their walks because of lockdown. A lot of people experimented and shared their experiences online. This is a distilled version of that.

THE WHAT: Just wood chips or pine bark and perlite - we’ll refer to this combination as substrate from hereon.

You can add or mix coconut chips, pine bark, fern fibre, your old wooden sculptures or grandma’s bones but the basics are wood chips (like those for orchids) and perlite. My wood chip to perlite ratio is one bag of wood chips/pine bark + 1/3 of a bag of perlite.

FYI: You can also just buy a bag of orchid soil then add 1/3 of the perlite bag. Just note that some orchid ‘soil’ often has slow-release fertilizer, it’s not a bad thing per se unless you want to avoid fertilizers. Some orchid ‘soil’ have an actual soil in them or small particles of I-don’t-know-what; they just disappear with watering or disintegrate.

ADVANTAGES :

1. The substrate offers less chance of killing the plants by over-watering that leads to root rot. Perlite holds moisture longer and the chunkiness of the wood chips will provide better drainage and aeration for the roots - thus the plant can tolerate sitting longer with the excess water inside the decorative pot compared to plant potted in traditional soil.

2. This substrate lasts a long time. It’s been at least 3 years, and I have yet to throw away any of them. You can re-use it on other plants barring infestation or spread of other diseases like herpes.

3. In my experience, soon after using this substrate, the leaves are greener than before.

4. Less chance for gnats. Less, not instantaneous annihilation. Gnats seem to prefer soil over this substrate.

5. When repotting, just transfer your plant with its substrate to a bigger pot and add some more substrate. If you think a particular plant needs more moisture, add more perlite in the pot.

The FIRST and ONLY TEDIOUS STEP:

Before you transfer your plant to this substrate, get as much soil off of your plant, either by scraping them off, archaeologist style, or hosing them down - prison style.

Some commercially sold plants have roots still bound by the plastic little nets where they started out as babies - this is your chance to cut if off, if you think this might hamper root growth. Some say these little plastics could kill plants. I don’t know, I’ve yet to see an autopsy report.

You can reuse the black plastic pot that your plant came with, then pick your decorative pot to hold it. I use clear white plastic - it’s unnecessary, I’m a fool. Yes, I can see the roots clearly, but it’s not THAT exciting.

This is also your chance to clean the plant as much as possible; sitting with other plants in garden centers mean more chances for other insects to intermingle. If you’re sensitive to insects, consider that when bringing in plants into your house and pets.

THE WHO:

The substrate works for a lot of plants: the thirsty ones like fern, anthuriums, philodendron.

Alocasia plants are a different story; those have better chance with LECA and sphagnum moss. Calatheas - The first rule of Calathea is we don’t talk about calatheas.

The substrate also works for plants who like it dry(ish), like Sansevieria. For Sansevieria, try to remove as much excess water or amount of water that cannot evaporate within a day or two in the condition of your house. (humidity, temp, amount of light, your moods). Side note: this Sansevieria is good in the kitchen, leaves are upright and can take the variations of temperatures in the kitchen. Here, it is placed between the fridge and the sink and stove top.

FERTILIZER? I don’t have one. The plants can live without them, but of course conditions vary from house to house, and it depends on what you want the plants to do for you. I just want mine to sit there and be pretty - no whoring, no sass. There are liquid fertilizers available and it seems very effective for a lot of people, and it makes the plants grow fast. I don’t want my plant to grow fast and too bushy because the house space is limited. Sometimes the plants get saturated with the liquid fertilizer and owners have to ‘flush’ it out of the plant by soaking the plant in water until they FEEL sufficient fertilizer has been washed off.

Strelitzia (cultivar: Nicolai, bird of Paradise, etc.) March 2024 - leaf (right) is barely clearing the dining table.

Same Strelitzia August 2026: Highest leaf is near the ceiling. So far, I have only cut 3 old leaves from the bottom because it was getting in the way. I don’t want it to flower, sometimes flowers stain the floor and I will have to clean it.

WATERING: Soak the plant until all roots and substrate is wet, then drip-dry. Ferns, anthuriums, philodendrons don’t mind excess water; Monsteras seem to prefer less standing water. You can place the water in a basin so you can soak all your plants in it one or more at a time - this saves water. Again, if you think your plant has gonorrhea, don’t spread it.

I water once a week except during winter when the heated air gets so dry, I aim for 2x weekly. Also, during winter, houseplants seem more susceptible to insects. I just try to keep the leaves clean by wiping them or by hose. Rotting leaves/stems on your plant also attract insects

HOUSE PLANT BASICS:

1. Check that it’s not toxic to your pets.

2. If you buy a baby plant (they are cheaper) and you don’t use fertilizer, you might hit your second childhood before they reach theirs. Remember, plants can be tissue cultured now so should be cheap(er) and should not require getting uprooted/stolen from their natural environment.

3. If it’s all the same to you, pick a plant that only has few leaves. They’re easier to maintain in that should you have to wipe the leaves, it does not feel like an average person has already moved on from their divorce and you’re still there wiping leaves.

4. This can become addictive. I've seen people on YT grow their collection to 100 or 300 - and the next video they put out concerns their mental health. Not judging, it is what it is. Plants are living things and a responsibility and requires resources even though you won’t hear them whimper. But you know they sit there quietly judging you and hundreds of that can take its toll.

5. Hundreds of wet plants can also alter humidity in your house so take that into consideration especially if your space is prone to mold/fungi.

Hookers, this is just an alternative. If you’re already comfortable with your plant routine and everything is thriving - there’s probably no need for this. But if you like piña colada and getting caught in the…floods, this just might be worth trying because why not? Let’s create problems instead of just reacting to whatever is foisted on us! Be proactive! Now, even though Bendy Boyz #37, #28 and #14 were involved in this experiment, please don’t come running to them with your dead plants asking for cuddles if things don’t work out - they are now busy with other projects.

Having said that - how are your houseplants? Share and post some pics!

Photo Credits: D'Hermitage