OPEN POST: The Sunday Roast featuring Two Mommy Tommy!
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| Getty |
Happy Sundog, possums! Today we have a tale of Tommy, he of Two Mommys.
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| STAB Rescue |
Awww, who's a gooboyyyyy? Tommy is! You can see it from his Petfinder profile right cheer. One thing you will notice right away is that Tommy, currently being fostered with two mommys from STAB Rescue, (Facebook here) is too much dog for any one man.
Or any two men.
Or any number of men. And possibly an indeterminate number of bears as well.
Tommy, you see, has had bad experiences with men throughout his young life, and needs females as his humans; additionally, he needs two because while he's a gooboy as previously established, he's just too much dog for one single person. And so it said in his listing, quite clearly. Now, how do you get two females? You ask for lesbians, and he did.
Possums, the internet lost its freaking MIND! Tommy had to stir from the sofa and take to the keyboard to smack down the BIG FEELS HAVING boychilds of the interwebs.
GOOD MORNING. TOMMY HERE. APPARENTLY WE NEED A FUCKING STAFF MEETING.
Apparently some of you discovered yesterday that a stranger can call you a name on Facebook and instead of doing what normal adults do which is roll your eyes, call them an asshole privately, and continue eating your fucking breakfast you decided to launch a full-scale federal investigation.People were losing their goddamn minds.Over.FACEBOOK.Then the weirdos and creeps started coming after Amanda and Alexis, and suddenly I’m watching two women who spend approximately 97% of their lives cleaning up our shit, paying our vet bills, answering applications, finding fosters, transporting dogs, and keeping this entire circus functioning have to deal with grown adults behaving like somebody unplugged their WiFi during a hostage negotiation.EVERYBODY CALM THE FUCK DOWN.And then there was Goomba.Jesus Christ.Nobody told Goomba shit. Goomba simply sensed disrespect somewhere in the atmosphere like a fucking barometric pressure change.Amanda: “Everything is fine.”Goomba: “I HAVE DETERMINED THAT IT IS NOT.”Sir immediately attempted to report for duty as Director of Fuck Around & Find Out, despite being repeatedly informed that THIS POSITION DOES NOT EXIST.We value Goomba’s life considerably more than we value internet drama, so his services were respectfully declined.Now allow me to explain something because apparently I am the dog and somehow also the most emotionally regulated person here:EVERYTHING AMANDA AND ALEXIS DO IS FOR US.The stupid posts? Us.The ridiculous jokes? Us.The adoption applications? Us.The fundraising? Us.The late nights? Us.The endless messages? Us.The reason half of Facebook now knows that I specifically requested lesbians?ALSO FUCKING ME.So perhaps and stay with me because this is apparently advanced material we could stop turning Facebook comments into international incidents and return to the original purpose of this entire operation:FINDING ME TWO MOMS.HELLO???I HAVE BEEN WAITING.I did not become internet famous, offend half the male population, acquire a fan club, and spend my evenings reviewing applications just for everybody to get distracted by some random Facebook fuckery.FOCUS.Share me.Apply for me.Tell your lesbian friends.Tell their lesbian friends.Tell the lesbians who haven’t even met yet but statistically may someday fall in love and purchase a house with a fenced backyard.I have requirements.I have standards.I have a schedule.And frankly, after observing human behavior for the last 24 hours, I am beginning to understand why I prefer women.Now everybody behave.Goomba, stand down.Amanda and Alexis, please return to serving me.And the rest of you:FIND. ME. A. FUCKING. HOME.APPLY TO ADOPT MY ASS HERE:
— TommyCEO of Two Mommies OnlyActing Director of Human ResourcesCurrently accepting applicationsUnfortunately still supervising adults on FacebookShared post
The comments on that post are a delight to read, and will restore your faith in human nature, if you still have such a thing.
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