Peckerwood Manor

Fuck candy corn. You heard me. And I'm not taking it back. Invented by some fannywipe in the late-1800s, and originally called "Chicken Feed" - and honestly, if we all want speedballing chickens going tits up in seconds from sugar shock, then that's what they should be used for - these brightly-colored rabbit turds now rear their ugly heads every Halloween, then continue to inflict torment on our teeth and tummies through Thanksgiving and ChristmasKwanzaHanukkah and all the rest. And there's a special holiday for these atrocities? What kind of 13-inch ass-blasting double-headed dildo hell is that? Have you ever bitten into a stale candy corn? They're hard as a rock and taste like cartilage. When I was a kidlet, I hated candy corn because it didn't taste like anything, so instead I collected them and flicked them at adversaries, like a certain playground bully who charged at me when I beaned him a few times, only to leap back, because once he got close (tr...

Corporations exist to fuque you over - especially if you're poor. In the latest example of this truism, behold McDonalds, a hellscape eatery which caters to lower-income families desperate for a deal. For reasons they're not entirely willing to admit, the mega-grotesque chain has decided to put the screws to their customer base by getting rid of their self-serve soda stations. What does this mean? It means that should you want a meager refill of your watery Coke or Sprite, you'll have to buy another one. The cost of a medium drink at McDonald's is $1.30, with a profit margin to the corporation of about 90 percent. 90 fucking percent! God forbid your screaming tween should want a refill, because McDonald's is going to squeeze your ass for more cash. The restaurant claims this is merely to create a "more consistent experience" for its customers. To more consistently rip them off? To make them wait in yet another miserable line to order - and pay! - for a ref...

  Get in line, ladies! Faster than you can sing "Oh, oh, Ozempic!," there's a new man in town. Or is there? You'll have to squint, because it's actually everyone's favorite romancer, Jonah Hill. Hot off the heels of his ex-girlfriend, Sarah Brady, accusing him of mental abuse, and Alexa Nikolas, a former child actress who claimed that he physically assaulted her as a teenager, Jonah's is back and he's working the ho stroll with a whole new look. Or a lot less of his look, 'cause he's skinny as a string bean and sporting a sassy new buzz cut. Surely gals everywhere are swooning, amirite? Okay, so maybe not Sarah Brady, whom Jonah forbad from posting pictures on her Instagram account in her swimsuit - even though she's a surf instructor. "I respect your love of surfing," he texted her, "but I respect myself, as well!" This, he claimed, was coming from a very "vulnerable place." He further demanded that she "...