Happy National Candy Corn Day (Or Not)! Plus, What Halloween Candy Do You Hate Or Love The Most?

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Fuck candy corn. You heard me. And I'm not taking it back. Invented by some fannywipe in the late-1800s, and originally called "Chicken Feed" - and honestly, if we all want speedballing chickens going tits up in seconds from sugar shock, then that's what they should be used for - these brightly-colored rabbit turds now rear their ugly heads every Halloween, then continue to inflict torment on our teeth and tummies through Thanksgiving and ChristmasKwanzaHanukkah and all the rest. And there's a special holiday for these atrocities? What kind of 13-inch ass-blasting double-headed dildo hell is that?

Have you ever bitten into a stale candy corn? They're hard as a rock and taste like cartilage. When I was a kidlet, I hated candy corn because it didn't taste like anything, so instead I collected them and flicked them at adversaries, like a certain playground bully who charged at me when I beaned him a few times, only to leap back, because once he got close (true story), I spit a mouthful of them - ptew! - right in his face (after which I ran like a screaming meme and loitered outside the teacher's lounge) (just in case). Best part? He fell for it twice. Lesson learned: bullies are chode sticks and candy corn loogies rock! That's what candy corn is good for. That's it. And before you climb on your high-horse and say that I was being a bully, too, he almost always tried to steal the 4 square ball from me and my friends so he deserved it and I'm not sorry. 

Have you ever found old candy corn in the backseat of a car or between couch cushions? They're like mini fuzznuts, all moist and wooly with lint. Have you ever made candy corn pizza? It became a TickyTwat trend because: of course it did because people are, oh, what's the word. Stupid. Yes, that's it. You too can incinerate the roof of your mouth with blistering hot melted sugar and cheap bagged cheese. But it's a trend, it's funzi. Here's a cup of crushed glass, kiddies, bottoms up. It's all the rage. 


Let's be honest, most people enjoy candy corn for about two seconds when they're 5 or 6 years-old because when you're a just a wee li'l fuck trophy, every shiny, sugary thing is the shit. But whenever I meet an adult who actually claims to "love" candy corn - or tasteless, stomach-turning "Peeps," candy corn's puffy abortion - I can only assume that they enjoy feasting on their own ear wax. You know the type; the ones you see in traffic jams picking their noses and eating it (and, yes, they're way into piss-play and scat) (which I judge with no regrets). This is candy corn's target market for adults. And the younger TickyTwat crowd, of course, or the ones who insist that Easter eggs be called "Spring Spheres" because it's too triggering otherwise but will willfully eat sushi burritos because: kewl. For those and many others, I hereby announce that the only acceptable corn is - wait for it - corn. Radical, right? Yet so tasty. 


And for all the human trash and tragic trendoids who love candy corn, have I got something triggering for you: 

Can you do that with candy corn? Huh? Can you? Of course not. But it's funzi, isn't it? Film it on your phone and show it to you mom. Film her doing it, too. Share it with everyone. Tell everyone that candy corn isn't natural, so it's triggering, which means that this is the best way to commemorate such a happy day. 

Do you hate candy corn, too? Or is there another Halloween candy that makes you vom even more? I can't imagine that there is, but do let us know. And, please, share some good news: what Halloween candy do you simply j'adore?

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