Hollywood never told the truth about love. It learned very early that truth doesn’t sell. Narrative sells. The oldest trick in the studio book wasn’t lighting or editing—it was romance as product. First, you market the story, then you market the couple, then you market the fallout when the couple inevitably burns to the ground. Somewhere between the kiss and the autopsy you sell tickets, magazines, streams, jerseys, and dignity. The industry has always known the rule: love is not a feeling; it’s an asset class. The only thing that’s changed is the interface. Yesterday it was Photoplay and Louella; today it’s Instagram and an army of parasocial auditors with spreadsheets. The lie didn’t die—it got a ring light. The studio era approached fakery with the subtlety of city hall paperwork. You were under contract, which meant your life was, too. You belonged to an organization that owned your hours, your hemline, and your “private” dinner plans. MGM didn’t just make movies; it ran a morality...

  ► A story making the internet gossip round is about Will Smith's piggy bank. He and his wife Jada Smith are unloading property from their portfolio like it was clearance day at Dollar General. Some are speculating they're having money woes because let's face it: the job offers aren't pouring in after the infamous 2022 Slapgate. That caused him to be banned for 10 years from the Oscars. It's no secret Will and Jada live lavishly with the 2 of them having separate lives that include numerous mansions, staff, cars, etc. That means the bills pile up with property taxes, salaries for employees, security, utilities, and so on. Plus, they're probbably still indulging their adult kids by bankrolling whatever project of day they're into. He and Jada think their spawns are Hollywood royalty.  Will tried to make some moolah recently by resurrecting his music career. He released a new album this past March after a 10 year hiatus. The album was a colossal flop and fail...

I am always searching for pop culture happenings to see if anything piques my interest, and lo and behold, something has. Just when I think this story will die on the vine, it doesn't, and it grows and twists, which is rare in an era of hyperpublicists and iron-fisted curation of celebrity narratives and images. Stories like this require a perfect recipe of timing, luck, and a stubborn cast of players whose room-reading skills are shockingly horrible. Topped with a heavy dollop of gargantuan ego and a pinch of recklessness, garnished with entitlement, this dish is still simmering on the stove.  This story has been developing for months, with recent news that Blake Lively plans to testify in her ill-conceived case against Justin Baldoni next year. Baldoni is counter-suing for hundreds of millions and leaking salacious tidbits to the press, feeding the news cycles with fresh red meat. His astute team has taken the temperature and knows we need a distraction from the bleak political l...

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than a gnarled stick of beef jerky (see: Madonna), so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, what's a little felony bankruptcy fraud worth to you? For table-flipping "Real Housewives of New Jersey" cast member,  Teresa Giudice , it’s worth about eleven months behind bars, which is where she first took up yoga, she says, because "I just had to get my mind-space clear!" Seen above with brand new inner-tube lips and custom head transplant - created exclusively by Bobbleheads 'R' Us - Teresa has kept busy selling her branded sparkling wine called "Fabelllini," supporting Donald Trump's re-election campaign, and lately, attending Coachella, because of course she was at Coachella. And, yes, she bum-rushed every celebrity and "influencer" within spitting distance to get a selfie with them.  She s...

Did you know? It's National Vanilla Cupcake Day! Crazy, right? What ghey do they tie up in a backroom and force to come up with these holidays? And what, you ask, does Britney have to do with this (beyond being a "Hi'ya!" to Madame Fleur, our resident Brit-Brit expert)? Thanks for asking! You see, the very idea of vanilla got me to thinking:  What's Good Vanilla and Bad Vanilla? For example, I think we can all agree that in her heyday, Britney was Good Vanilla and put out excellent vanilla pop music for the masses. Similarly, I think we can all agree that Chet Haze is Bad Vanilla, and on any day, past or present, puts out bad vanilla rap for the few incels who listen to him.  Below, I've put together two lists that I hope you can add to, if only to lead your fellow Peckers to Good Vanilla things, and help them street clear of the bad.  GOOD VANILLA 1) Britney. For reasons elaborated upon above. 2) Whitney Houston. Don't hate. In the early peak of her caree...

Today's Open Post was gifted to you by our very own supremely handsome and talented Ecce Homo! He says: So this is an actual thing I own. A couple months ago I was in the boss's office at work and saw this folded piece of cardboard in the corner of the outer office. When I unfolded it, it was a hauntingly realistic facsimile of La Taylor! I asked them whose was it? Why was it here? How long had it been there? No one knew, so I said I was taking it home and if someone wanted it I'd happily return it. So I took her home and hung her on the inside of my apartment door. But the dogs kept staring at her and growling. Look, I get it. Like us humans, even our four-legged friends can be intimidated by Taylor's unique alchemy of talent, presence, charisma, and lyrical acuity. So I put her on the closet door of my bedroom. But then I started growling at it - even cowering until I threw an old t-shirt over it! Look, I get it. Like our canine pals, even humans can be intimidated b...

Greetings, Manor Hors! Periodically, "The Roving Pecker" presents urgent missives from filthy esteemed guest writers. Today's is from Mizcynical! In this edition of "Fake Ass PR Relationship That I’m Tired Of Pretending Is A Real Relationship," we have Taylor Swift and Kansas City Chiefs football player Travis Kelce. Heard of them? It’s been - what? - less than 2 weeks since we saw that staged video of Travis and Taylor (sporting a Chiefs jersey tied around her waist) walking through a football locker room, not quite holding hands and making eye contact with someone’s cell phone camera? I’m already sick and tired of hearing about it. Let me start by saying my annoyance with this "relationship" doesn’t stem from being some football purist whose head is ready to explode because of the recent influx of Swifties becoming interested in football due to their coupling. Typically, the only way I know what’s going on with the sport is if I happen to catch a pa...