CELEBRATE, BITCHES: It's National Vanilla Cupcake Day! Or What's "Good Vanilla" And "Bad Vanilla?"

Did you know? It's National Vanilla Cupcake Day! Crazy, right? What ghey do they tie up in a backroom and force to come up with these holidays? And what, you ask, does Britney have to do with this (beyond being a "Hi'ya!" to Madame Fleur, our resident Brit-Brit expert)? Thanks for asking! You see, the very idea of vanilla got me to thinking: 

What's Good Vanilla and Bad Vanilla? For example, I think we can all agree that in her heyday, Britney was Good Vanilla and put out excellent vanilla pop music for the masses. Similarly, I think we can all agree that Chet Haze is Bad Vanilla, and on any day, past or present, puts out bad vanilla rap for the few incels who listen to him. 

Below, I've put together two lists that I hope you can add to, if only to lead your fellow Peckers to Good Vanilla things, and help them street clear of the bad. 

GOOD VANILLA

1) Britney. For reasons elaborated upon above.

2) Whitney Houston. Don't hate. In the early peak of her career, Whitney was vanilla pop supreme. Songs like "Saving All My Love For You," "How Will I Know" "I Wanna Dance With Somebody," were soulful, yes, but also expertly fluffed with just enough vanilla to make them palatable and delicious for mainstream consumption. 

3) Debbie Reynolds. Or "Little Debbie Reynolds" as she was first called, being that she was a sprightly sprig of vanilla gumption in "Singin' In The Rain" and most of her movies thereafter. She was always sweet, yet never saccharine. Plus, she gifted us with Carrie Fisher. I will forever *heart* Little Debbie. 

4) John Travolta. Yes, he was sex on a stick early in his career, but of the yummy vanilla strain, the kind even your mother could love (and secretly flick her bean to) (you know she did). He had the moves in "Saturday Night Fever" yet his character was a goodnik; he was a greaser in "Grease," but melted before fellow Good Vanilla star, Olivia Newton-John. 

5) Taylor Swift. Hold on, horsey. I'm not saying I like her music, but of all the current pop stars, she's definitely of the harmless, sometimes helpful, Good Vanilla variety given that she regularly gifts her tour crew with hefty bonuses, encourages younglings to register to vote (and vote Blue), and conversely, doesn't encourage girls to gyrate and finger themselves like back alley prostitots. This is all good!

BAD VANILLA

1) Chet Haze. For reasons elaborated upon above.

2) Harry Styles. Will we be listening to him in 5 years? Or will he go the way of Bobby Sherman and be forgotten? His gender-bending outfits are achingly try-hard - "So on trend!" you can hear his management coo - and when he squealed, "This don't happen to people like me very often!" when he won a Grammy, it was the height of Bad Vanilla tone-deaf cringe. 

3) Scarlett Johansson. Woody Allen apologist. That should be enough to make her Bad Vanilla, but there's more. She also took what should have been a lead role for an Asian actor, then threw a hissy-fit when people objected to her failed bid to play a transgender person. Sure, many actors have similarly stepped in it, but no one gets as publicly pissy about it as our Scarlett. 

4) Mark Wahlberg. Truly ugly Bad Vanilla, and right from start, like when he threw rocks at Black children in 1986. In 1988, he was convicted of felony assault when he savagely attacked two Vietnamese men - and incredibly, in 2014, sought a State pardon to have this criminal record expunged because he'd become a gOoD cHrIsTiAn. Sure, Jan. 

5) Kirk Douglas. He raped 15 year-old Natalie Wood. That's as bad as Bad Vanilla can get. But he was also the Stupido Hulk Actor of his day, mostly notably hamming it up as the Stupido Vincent Van Gough in "Lust For Life." And, yes, he was too dim to realize that his movie "Spartacus" had coded gay scenes, even angrily arguing otherwise years later with one of its gay writers, Gore Vidal. What a maroon. 

That's my list and I'm sticking to it! Who are your favorite Good Vanilla stars? And what Bad Vanilla stars do you want to toss in a wood chipper, piss on, then flush down the toilet and set it on fire? Don't hold back!