A sTORI For Our Times! Former 80s "Actress" Recovering From Mystery Hospital Visit!

Tori Spelling, looking like an overgrown blonde sloth in a wheelchair - apologies to sloths! - was released from the hospital yesterday after a 4-day stay. Or rather, she was wheeled out in full view, but not before "someone" helpfully alerted the paps to this momentous event. What was this former so-called "actress" turned reality "star" (turned whatever she is now) even doing there, you ask? Ah, but this is a mystery wrapped in overdue notices from AMEX wrapped in leftover umbilical cords wrapped in whatever meemaw caftan couch cover her friend is cloaked in above, not to mention the other friend's pink fupa mom jeans. There's almost too much fashion here. And too many mysteries. 

Let's try to figure this out with Detective LaToya's help. As you may know, Tori and her husband, "actor" Dean McDermott, recently broke up because Tori allegedly grew weary of Dean's sex addition, a sentence I never thought I'd write because it implies that Dean had willing participants who fed this purported addiction and not several toothless, 45 year-old hookers working behind 7-11 Dumpsters who've now got a nasty case of crotch critters thanks to Dean (apologies to toothless, 45 year-old hookers working behind 7-11 Dumpsters) (it's a living!). 

Let's examine the facts: Tori is broke, she's moved her kids into an RV. What to do for cash? Given her jaw-dropping dance skills, as pictured above, will she finally, as insiders claim, "at last do 'Dancing With The Stars'"? Apparently - and let's take this with a huge boulder of salt (or maybe the whole salt mine) - "Dancing With The Stars" producers have been "begging" Tori for years to be on their show. And she's turned them down each and every time! Why? Add this to the ongoing list of Tori mysteries and conundrums. 

As for Dean, pictured above during sexytimes, he's reportedly "mortified" that Tori and their crumb-catchers are living in an RV, and further claims that she's "not broke" and doing it for "sympathy." Also - hold onto your ribs, cause this one's a tickler - he said that "she had every opportunity to make our marriage work!" Cow patty, please. The only thing either of these two twatwaffles work on is angling for a better camera angle. But I digress. 

Let's swing back to Tori's hospital stay. A cry for Candy's cash help? Some sort of medical insurance grift? We still don't know, despite Detective LaToya's best efforts. But if one thing's clear, it's this: Candy is playing the long game. California is a community property state, which means Dean gets half of everything Tori has once they proceed with the divorce. Which means Candy isn't giving Tori anything more than a few piddly Venmo transfers here and there until the divorce is over and done with. Hang in there, Tori. And please, accept that standing offer from "Dancing With The Stars," won't you? You'll only last one episode, but it will surely be epic. 

Photo Credits: NY Post, National Geographic, Getty Images