Dear Bradley Cooper, I hear you are dating Gigi Hadid

HAHAHAHAHAHA! <breathe> HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, I just can't with this. Stop Bradley and your publicists. Just stop. HAHAHA<wheeze>HAHAHAHA .This is post-2010, and the public understands publicity relationships now. Why do you do this at all? What are you hiding? What kind of money are you offering? Are handjobs involved?

Whatever. We both know you need to change the narrative from your unfortunate JewFace debacle. I have more questions. I still want to know what was going through your head when you thought looking like you were in the Witness Protection Program was a great idea. Drunk? High? Both? I also question those around you who didn't tell you to rip your nose off your face because you look like Groucho Marx's alter ego. Somehow though fucking this up shows how desperate you are for an Oscar. I know the nose worked for Nicole in The Hours, but her prosthetic nose wasn't seen as a slur. For the record, I don't think you are a racist or anti-semite; I think your ambition overrode your common sense, and you pulled the stupid stunt. 

But in the spirit of entertaining myself, I will talk about you and that runway stomper who models like a linebacker in a Strong Man contest with a raging case of gonad inflammation.  Over a decade in the industry, and watching her is so painful I physically cringe when I see it. Why did you choose her? Her sister is the one with the crush on you. There is some mess to be exploited; we need to fan those flames and get them brawling on a runway, extensions flying, and the designer screeching and crying to try to break it up. Call me Cooper, I have got some great ideas.

Yawn, Salacious stuff here, Bradley. If driving in New York City is an actual declaration of love next stop is Vegas, with chubby Elvis in a polyester bedazzled jumpsuit officiating and his wife, a gun popping side kick with a budget rat nest wig on top of her head, supposedly representing Priscilla during the good years as your witness. Stuntish, but it could be done. Judging by these photos, I have no hope of that happening. You look like you are on the way to a proctologist exam by Sasquatch. Cheer up, you have a Nepo model on your...oh no, well, not your arm because YOU TWO DON'T TOUCH!

What you two look like is that you called the paps, drove around the block until the pap got some photos, and that was it. You are going to have to do better than these photos suggest. Supposedly, you spent a weekend together, and it looks like you can't wait to go home. I am also not buying you two vain people went away for the weekend with those bags? Is it included in the date BCoop package extra to lay low for a weekend so it can seem like you two went away? Are the dour expressions from bad sex? Sell it better, people!

These photos are supposed to be your first date, and you are more mesmerized by the dude on Grindr giving you his address written across his ass. with weather reports. 

Mr Cooper, I can save this along with my ace Peckerwood assistants on the job. We will give you tips, tricks, and strategies to make this fauxmance hot and heavy through the award season. It will be believable, too; hit me up at 1-800-666-6969. We can throw in a beach vacay in December to show off how hot you two are to some people for a small fee. Look forward to hearing from you. And let's sell this bitch, mmkay?

Yours for a price,

Lady Peckerwood

(photos:The Image Direct)