Gwynethisms: We Aren't Fair to Nepo Babies Says The Nepo Baby.

 

I apologize to Whamo in advance. J'adore, but je don't j'adore Goop. In her latest trolling interview, Gwyneth tries to come off as just an everyday woman. Stop laughing. She's a salt of the earth, a modest woman, and an Oscar Winner! She works relentlessly for world peace and saves animals in between modeling and being better than the plebes. She is the common man's princess of giving of self and is not materialistic at all. Not our girl. No way.

I will give her this, though: the woman is an Olympian when it comes to pivoting. She flips the script when she wants to. Why would she want to, you ask? I am here to answer: it is because she has a cheaper line of beauty items from her new venture called Good.clean.goop that she is flogging to the lower orders. So now we get humble Goop, down-to-earth Goop, your bestie, and relatable Goop. But at one point, when she says she isn't attracted to very wealthy men, her mask slips, and Strawbitch rears her entitled head and quickly disappears behind Mother Earth Goop again. DJ, please play Chaka Khan at this point because this article needs a soundtrack.

When asked about her business and if she is motivated by money, she answers;

Unfortunately not. I could never get attracted to the really rich guy... And I don’t make choices to build value in the wrong way. I’ve always done independent films. I don’t know. Money has never been my thing. It’s never been my driver."

We believe you will donate all proceeds from here on out to the little orphaned children of St, Barths and Gstaad. Aspen, you are next! Usually, someone doesn't start a commercial business and expand it for no reason, or else it would be a not-for-profit hobby like writing on a blog to entertain a bunch of people you like. Nothing like that. Her business is large and lucrative, making products for a cheaper market to make even more money so she can appeal to a larger demographic who will fork over their cash.

There is also the batshit assertion that she did only independent films. MCU is hardly independent, and I will never be convinced that actors covet those superhero franchise roles for the challenging dialog and excellent and profound character development. I seem to remember 7 or 8 Iron Man or Avengers, Hook, Austin Powers, and that's fine. Is she actually (hold me here)...Is she actually saying she didn't take those roles for the money? Sundance is no longer indie. Indie is no longer indie. Miramax was helmed by one of the most powerful men in Hollywood History. Some of their films were art house films, but she didn't star in those.  Give me a break. Pepper Potts trying to sound like Gena Rowlands, no, ma'am. I am not letting you have it. 

Interviewer: The Goop brand is so entwined with the Gwyneth Paltrow brand — do you worry about its survival without you?

"It’s going to be really critical to share the consumer-facing responsibility with other people. I don’t know who that would be and how we would start to figure that out, but that’s going to be important. I was saying this to my son, actually, the other day, because he was like, “I have so much to do.” I said, “I so relate to you.” I said, “Today I had to go and do a photo shoot for G. Label all day, and I was the model.” Between every shot, I’m trying to run the business and fix problems and address stuff, and it’s a lot. It’s usually two completely different roles"

Stop, girl, you are laying it on a bit thick, eh? But she did manage to let us know about her G.Label; she's an involved mother, and her son is busy, but she pivots to herself. Yeah, kid, blah blah about you. I will have you know that I, Earth Mommy of the Common Man, was busier. I, The Indie Queen of Small Films, will have you know that I modeled for G Label. Available at all mid-range luxury stores in upscale neighborhoods in important markets where I won't be ashamed to have my clothes there with my Humble Humbler Humblest label for the strictly middle class. You know, folks that spend over 800 dollars on Celine shoes. Because I am not driven by money. Not one bit. 

Paltrow’s wearing a white blouse, a navy pleat-front skirt from her G. Label by Goop line ($495), and white Santoni sandals. I know this because she posts the look on Instagram a couple weeks later with the caption “September OOTD’s.” There she is in a G. Label pink bow blouse ($425), straight-leg jeans, and Celine heels. Then, a fitted gray G. Label button down ($395), gray slacks, and Le Monde Beryl Mary Janes ($491). Finally, a sexy G. Label racerback bodysuit ($145) and high-waisted white pants ($495)

This is why I don't buy her schtick. She is an upmarket broad all day, every day, and she has spent the better part of her life letting us know it. Now, when she has something to push, she is one of the people. A regular proletariat this one. I am not so sure which version of her irks me the most when she tries to use her limited acting skills to convince us she is like the average Jane or when she is uppity and smug?

As is her trollishness, she gives that soundbite making the rounds; I will literally disappear from public life. No one will ever see me again, but she never said she would disappear and never be heard from again soon. There are several caveats about how the business would have to be sold, which she isn't ready to do for a long time, so a good one, Gwynnie. 

And finally:

Now there’s this whole nepo baby culture and judgment that exists around kids of famous people... But there’s nothing wrong with doing or wanting to do what your parents do. Nobody rips on a kid who’s like “I want to be a doctor like my dad and granddad.” The truth is if you grow up in a house with a lot of artists and people making art and music, that’s what you know, the same way that if you grow up in a house with law, the discussions around the table are about the nuances of whatever particular law the parents practice. I think it’s kind of an ugly moniker. I just hope that my children always feel free to pursue exactly what they want to do, irrespective of what anybody’s going to think or say.

She misses the point entirely. Your lawyer dad can't make a phone call, and boom, you are a lawyer. A physician can't make their kid a surgeon. My mom can't say here you go, sweetie, a doctorate for you go forth, and I threw in tenure too. These kids skip the line, land one foot from the finish line, and are undeserving of their success. Most of them are mediocre nitwits, and they slide right on in because their parents make it so. You will never ever convince me that she would have an Oscar without her parents making several phone calls to get her started. And you will never in anyone's lifetime convince me she was better than Fernanda Montenegro in Central Station. So zip it, Nepo Humbleton. She should be grateful to sheer luck, Harvey Whinestein, her parents, and a weighted system that makes us know who she is. It is an ugly moniker for an ugly reason, but Goop has never been one for reality. And she's not about to start now. 

(Photographs by Ellen Von Unwerth)