Painfully Dehydrated: Rita, Heidi, Jessica, and Caroline Stanbury (Who you ask? I did too)

This dress does nothing for her breasts. It makes them look lop-sided.

These women are so needy of water that I could not resist writing something, anything, about these cringefests who need to be desired and admired for their beauty and sexiness, and they are willing to pay any price; even dignity and self-respect aren't off the table. They don't give a damn about our opinions or derision. 

Unfortunately for the environment, their massive amounts of desperation are known to suck every H2O molecule out of the atmosphere within a 5 thousand-mile radius. "LOOK AT ME, DAMMIT!!!" is their mantra and silent chant as they go about finding ways to get their names trending in entertainment news. These women are so fatally parched they even deserve a theme song, maybe Rod Stewart's "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy" from 1978 when Rod was hot stuff, although, to my contemporary eyes, he gives off sleazeball hanging around skeeving on blonde leggy models vibes. 

Speaking of thirsty, thirsty hoes, Rita Ora's whole career has been an exercise in Look at Me and attention starvation since it is blatantly apparent that her blackfishing singing career has been a non-starter. Not even fucking around with Jay-Z could make that happen, and frankly, anyone who would creep with a camel-faced busted nasty bitch like Jay-Z should be sidelined forever. Rita was old enough to know better, although wannabe superstars have done much worse to get the career they wanted. Is it really that surprising? 

Taika Waititi must not find this as unappetizing as I do since, inexplicably, they got married in 2022. I still don't get them as a couple; it is still a head-scratcher. All I know is that I will never look at him the same. Maybe Taika finds her antics amusing, or she's secretly brilliant, and all of this hard striving is just performance art. Maybe she's the Karen Finley or Nick Cave of attention whoring, and we are witnessing it, then she will one day tell us it was all part of her real pursuit-a creative dissertation on Pop Culture and The Meaning of Fame. Could this be? Not bloody likely. This ho is just chronically thirsty.

LOOK AT ME!!!!

Could it be he loves the extra attention too?

You know who longs for attention as if her life depended on it, as evidenced by her recent exhausting behavior? Heidi Klum: if she is putting on some kind of theatre of the absurd, I take back all of my negative thoughts, but I highly doubt this. Truthfully, I just throw up my hands, turn my face skyward, and ask, "Mein Gott in Himmel, what is going on with the Sally O'Malley of the supermodels?" Heidi, on a Look at Me world tour, shows up in places, demolishing whole towns and causing cities and towns to begin warning their citizens of sudden draughts. Once, she went waterskiing, and the whole lake simply evaporated before the eyes of astonished onlookers from the shore; they took it as a sign that we were headed for the end of days. The children who saw this are currently in trauma therapy for acute PTSD. That is just how dangerous this woman's parched stunts are. 

She had a nip slip in Cannes. No wonder
she showed up look like a superhero/porn 
star named Super Silicone. 

Witnessing a famous woman like Klumquat go to these lengths, I often think this is an anguished cry for help. I don't mean a genuine cry for help like she's in mortal danger or something; no, no, darlings, she crying for assistance to get more attention. How can we aid our little salt mine to get the lens to keep track of her wherever she goes? What new feat does she have up her sleeve? 

Hurry, people are turning into human raisins
around this dehydrated assassin. 

And then we have that Simpson girl. What's her name again? You know, the one that was the 3rd blonde after Britney and Christina Aguilera? That woman with the shoes. She was married to the guy who was in the 3rd boy band behind Backstreet Boys and Nsync. His name escapes me, just like other forgettable minor celebrities from 2003 who haven't done anything worthwhile in twenty years; I don't even remember why they were famous in the first place. Wait! Now I remember. Her ex is that Nick person from the super messy reality show Love Is Blind on Netflix with that car crash of a wife who was so rude and drunk they can't have live Reunions anymore. Yes, that's him. 

This looks like the cover of a trashy
romance novel.

Jessica made a tidy fortune after her marriage(lucky for her, he didn't get his grubby hands on her money). However, our songbird isn't satisfied with her shoe empire; her line was very hot for a time, but it peaked in 2014 with profits slashed by half these days. Perhaps making copies of more expensive designs and blatantly ripping them off a la Ivanky now leaves an empty hole in her beating heart that can only be filled with copious amounts of attention. She could live off the spoils of her business ventures and retire from the spotlight forever, but that is impossible if your ego demands that artificial love that only fame brings, and it can feel so mighty real. 

This looks like some premiere Happy Hour stripper's 
Christmas advertisement. Those extensions are janky af. 

I can't decide who is the most tragic at this point. If Rita had a daughter, she could throw her out there for some bonus attention; all she has is herself, so she must do the Ktrash Shuffle and wear skimpy clothes to try for scandalous skin reveals, even if she ends up looking like she's prowling for a Sugar Daddy. Rita is hoping for that magical 2000 JLo moment when JLo got noticed for the career-making Versace dress she wore to The Grammy Awards. Remember the infamous green dress that made women begin to think they might want ample derrieres like Lopez? 

I am completely convinced Kim K saw this, stuffed her ass with dubious materials, threw out a nasty sex tape, and an ongoing universal nightmare was unleashed. It all started with that green dress and a Puerto Rican ass. These days, with enormous, ridiculous, ubiquitous 2010s BBLs glued to insecure women's behinds, Jennifer's backside looks positively tiny. Rita has been valiant in her efforts recently, too bad no one seems to have informed her that lightning rarely strikes twice in fashion, and when it does, it comes from unexpected places. We expect Rita to do visual acrobatics to get us to look at her; at this point, it is boring. 

She got noticed alright. Except it is for the bootleg
tailoring. Did she get this dress at Charlotte Russe?
It's okay to admit to buying a 12.99 dress on Clearance.
Rita the Thrifty Thirst Trap moniker might just
be the ticket to get some more attention. 

Heidi jumping around her house in Beckinsalian(thank you to the Peckerite who pointed out that she was headed to rival Hall of Famer MVP Kate B's dehydration)levels of longing to be seen wasn't one of those aspirational moments when we clap and feel inspired by her age-defying body. Heidi was a lingerie and swimsuit supermodel; she's in shape and has a nice figure, which comes as no surprise considering she has shown off her much-admired body for 3 decades. 

This deep, insatiable need for praise and adoration is too obvious to be inspiring. For a lark, she danced around her house in a white medical-looking two-piece swimsuit(?); a few days earlier, she wasn't wearing a top when she and her sidekick husband went to the celebrity Formula One racing event in Las Vegas. Does a week go by without her pay-for-play headlines in The Daily Mail? Klumquat is no international modeling legend; I am not taking away that she was once at the top of her game, but why do we need all of these updates about what she has been doing or more feverishly revealing daily? 

Look at me all carefree and dancing like
the entire solar system is watching. I am 50!

We are fortunate to be spared from daily debriefings with Jessica Simpson because even when she manages to make the tabloids, she is sleep-inducing. I can't be bothered to know what she is up to or how she is living her life. Okay, in truth, against my will, I know she wants to try to be a country singer again and has packed up the family and moved to Nashville. 

Simpson, I also understand she has a clothing line that reflects her recent life pivot; thus, all of her "designs" are geared toward a certain fashion-challenged country music crowd. Like any celebrity with an enormous ego, she models all of the clothes; as I study her appearance, I notice that Jess looks awful and wonky; her face looks like, for real, this stand-in is her 2nd look-alike meth-head cousin who has been on a months-long binge.

We aren't stupid; it is glaringly obvious that Ozempic and some cosmetic procedures are at play that can't mask the worn-out look of Ozempic-face. Simpson has never been one for subtle behavior. Remember that cringey time when she dated John Mayer and went brunette and tried to act intelligent for a minute? I will always resent her for making me have such a monumental amount of secondhand embarrassment that I nearly lost all the ability for cognizant speech. 

Ozempic who? What? Me? No way.

So far, I haven't mentioned Caroline Stanbury in this article, even though she is part of the headline because I highly doubt many people outside of the UK know who she is. I guess if you watch Bravo reality shows, you might; she's on Housewives of Dubai and married to a footballer from Spain who is 18 years her junior. Caroline once traveled in Prince Andrew's social circle(let that marinate for a minute). She is a businesswoman and socialite turned reality star who is like a haughty bitchy character from one of those cozy little British films that Hugh Grant used to star in back when people were willing to put up with him.

Caroline's thirst for attention goes so far as to share her facelift photos and act as if the procedure was just so very traumatic for her and her husband. What a trial! What a tribulation! Clown, that's elective surgery, and getting your skin yanked over your skull was never going to be pleasant or painless. Sure, it hurts. She and her husband can stop acting as if this was a life-saving surgery that her entire existence depended on. She chose to go under the knife for vanity's sake. There will be a zero-pity symphony for her. This not really news showed up on Page Six and The Daily Mail because she has a connected publicist and the substantial Bravo machine behind her. This was a breathless report no one needed nor asked for. 

                         

So I needed a source who would know more about Miss Stanbury and texted my friend, who loves watching reality shows because she finds them entertaining. It allows her to feel superior compared to the outlandish people who star in them. She told me that Caroline is a terrible mother who acts as though her kids are always on her nerves and treats them like foreign creatures that magically showed up in her life one day. 

Apparently, her mother was a cold woman who shoved her off to a nanny, and though she calls out her mother and acts wounded by her indifference, she is the same. In her favor, though not in execution, she is at least honest about her surgery and isn't claiming weight loss or Japanese potatoes are why she has a new face. Only after showing the world your facelift healing, where can she go from here? A visit to the gynecologist? Forget I said that I don't want to send that message into our collective conscious and encourage her. 

Did the photographer survive this with any water in his or her system?
What we have here is a case of a thirst off. Who won? Emily or Rita?
Mirror Mirror on the wall whose the most dehydrated of them all?

Unfortunately, we live in a shame-free age with even regular people vying for attention, so much so that it has become an exhausting Olympic sport. To be actually successful in this pursuit takes a herculean effort. Our eyes are so accustomed to stunt queens and the perpetually dehydrated that it takes something jarring for the image to sear itself into our memories. These four women know this, plot to go further, and don't even mind looking stupid or foolish. As long as the lens is trained on them and they make it to a tabloid, all is right in their shallow, self-absorbed, desperate, arid worlds. 

Photos: Scott Gries/ImageDirect/Getty Images, Dimiti Kambouris/Gettty, Michael Tran/Getty, Daniele Venturelli/WireImage, Instagram, Getty