THE ROVING PECKER PRESENTS: "The Yassification of Lauren Sanchez" By Daniel C!

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Greetings, Manor Hors! Periodically, "The Roving Pecker" presents urgent missives from filthy esteemed guest writers. Today's is from Daniel C!

When I first saw the chic elegance that is Lauren Sanchez, I was in awe. But what is it that I find so mesmerizing about this future Amazon glamazon? Am I just trying to make fetch happen?

To me, Lauren possesses many qualities that I admire. I would not call myself extremely introverted, but I do not always need the spotlight on me. If I think about my closest friends, I can say that I am blessed to be close to some eccentric personalities who are okay with being obnoxious at times. I am naturally drawn to walking, talking telenovelas and when I learned that Lauren used to be an Emmy-winning news anchor and an accomplished helicopter pilot years, BB (before Bezos), I was intrigued. 

I also find her very charismatic and could listen to her coarse voice blabbering drama for ages. Yeah, I've got time for that. You should meet my friends. So who is this woman with the jet-black, luscious locks, the mischievous grin and entirely natural perky bosom? On an (even more!) irrelevant note, did you know that she also played minor parts in movies like "Fight Club?" She was the news anchor chick in that! The range. This woman sure has some stories to tell.


So what do I think of her rebranding to Mrs. Bezos? I am not sure whether that is entirely of her doing. I do believe that she knows that being engaged to the world’s richest, real-life Bond villain with a love for phallic spaceships comes with a ton of attention, and people have thoughts. Some are very valid, some are not. The extramarital affair was not a good look, though, Lauren. I respect that Mackenzie Bezos has been a class act and very charitable and I do think that Lauren is "the other woman," who, to be gentle, does not appear to have as much subtle taste, much less a reserved nature, like Mackenzie does. But we can ask ourselves the age-old question; what came first – the sheer bodysuit or the bald billionaire? I do believe that this is how she’s always been. She just wasn't as exposed as she is now.


I will not go as far as to call Lauren a “girl’s girl” – Mackenzie may have some thoughts on that – but I appreciate Lauren not pulling an Ariana Grande "yes and?", as one may expect when they lay their eyes on the demure elegance that is Lauren. And Lauren does have actual "fuck you" money as soon as the ink on that marriage certificate is dry. But why blame the other woman anyway? After all, it was Bezos' wandering peepee that was pointing in her direction. Was it her ample bosom, her full lips or perky butt? One can only speculate, but I do believe they make a perfect pair of middle-aged cougar and her hubs who want to buy you a drink cause they really dig your vibe, and I am also pleasantly surprised that Lauren is not a 23 year old cocktail waitress. And I say that lovingly as a 34-year-old cocktail waitress past my prime. Lauren just gives me hope, okay? If she can lose her luggage in Milan and confidently walk the streets in her underwear at 54 years old, I can only nod in approval.

I will refrain from calling her a "hooker." That’s what women like Megyn Kelly are here for, and we’re better than that. “Hooker” is a term of endearment for me. If a woman of integrity - let’s say Dolly Parton - called her a hooker, now that would be a different story, and frankly, much-much cooler. Also, the fact that Lauren does not seem to engage in any bitchiness for a spot on a "Real Housewives" show redeems her for me, but that’s just my projection speaking since I don’t know Lauren. However, compared to other billionaire wives, I’d want to know Lauren, and maybe go on a helicopter ride with her. That’s the difference.


I can only speak for myself, but I am curious to see what Lauren Sanchez is going to do in the future, other than flying to space with an all-female crew this year on board a Blue Origin ship sponsored by Daddy Bezos. As of now, I will continue to be amused by her demure fashions and supposedly climate-friendly cocktail recipes on Instagram. I am not here to call any excuse to mix a cocktail invalid, okay? Please do something good with your resources, Lauren, even if it is just giving gold digging advice to the needy (me). I am rooting for you! 

Photo Credits: Getty Images, Chris Polk/FilmMagic, Daniel Jack Lyons for WSJ. Magazine

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