WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HO? Is It Matthew Perry's (Almost) Girlfriend? Or Woody Allen? Or Nike's Pube Alert?
First up, let's talk about Matthew Perry, who's still dead, by the way, and still making headlines, which relatively young, famed, has-been drug addicts from your fledgling years are wont to do upon their demise. When Matthew kicked it, a large chunk of Gen X felt their mortality and obsessively played and re-played the "Friends" episode where he delivers the laugh line, "I guess I'll be the one who dies first!" It was hilarious at the time. Oh, so long ago. Misty, watercolored memories. If you're a little younger, he's that guy on that show without cellphones that you binged repeatedly on Netflix, playing it in the background while you texted and played Pokemon Unite, until it was yanked and put on Max which you refuse to subscribe to but watch on occasion when you visit your parents who still have cable.
Will Matthew Perry achieve "forever fame," as it's called? Absolutely. Much like other subsidiary TV actors - William Frawley as "Fred Mertz" on "I Love Lucy" leaps to mind - he was an actor of minimal talent who won the TV actor lottery by being in the right place at the right time. Kudos and ka-ching to his heirs and such. And kudos to all those dehydrated hors who are still trying to turn a buck by cashing in on their proximity to him before he keeled over. They've got a short window to strike it rich(ish), and they're moving in fast.
Chief among them is the parched, B-to-C level actress Lauren Graham, who this week revealed urgent details on a book tour for her new, hastily-scribed memoir, "Have I Told You This Already?" It's mostly about her life actressing around Hollywood, but also details her days with Matthew before his death, about their relationship - or rather, their almost-relationship. Yes, you read that right. This could be the first memoir in which an author details how they almost banged a celebrity, but didn't quite seal the deal. They fell in and out of each other's lives, she breathlessly tells us, may well have been in love, and were so very close - but never that close. In other words, "He's Just Not That Into You" has a new, biographical addendum. She also reveals the last birthday gift Matthew got her, a pickle ball racket, which is surely more romantic than a new iPhone case or a heated neck wrap from Brightpillow. Or is it? We'll never know, because Matthew isn't here. But that won't stop Lauren. She's lapping up every drop she can get.
The verdict is in: Lauren is thirsty!
If you consider the picture above to be nightmare fuel, you are not alone. Life with Woody famously scarred his estranged daughter Dylan, nearly derailed the life of his ex-girlfriend Mia Farrow, and caused his son, Ronan Farrow, to get so much plastic surgery that he now resembles a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, a cliched type in fiction who dyes her hair whimsical colors, giggles uncontrollably and asks what date New Years falls on this year. In other words, Woody's a mess who's long created mess - and that's never a good thing.
In fact, Woody was creating messes for decades and nobody noticed, except, that is, for legendary movie critic Pauline Kael. "'Manhattan,'" she wrote of his 1979 film, "was full of self-centered types. He contrasted them with the trusting, understanding heart of a loyal child, played by Mariel Hemingway. What man in his forties but Woody Allen could pass off his predilection for teenagers as a quest for true values?" In other words, the movie creeped her out, but she was very much alone. "Manhattan" was universally praised by male critics and nominated for Oscars ("Nasty" and "abrasive" were labels male critics regularly used to describe Kael).
Pauline's long gone, but I couldn't help but think of her this week when Woody's new movie, "Coup de Chance," simultaneously opened and died on movie screens across the pond and beyond. Still, even as he's nearing 90 years-old, The Wood Man is craving moisture. Dutifully doing the press tour ho stroll this week, he stunned everyone with a shocking revelation: "Coup de Chance" may be his last movie ever! Cue gasps from someone somewhere. "All the romance of filmmaking is gone," he said wistfully. Plus, he's so very "disillusioned" with the way the industry has changed, by which he presumably means that its U.S. distributor is barely releasing "Coup de Grace” in theatres. Tough lucky, Woody! Does that mean he's retiring? Hold those horsies, bub, because Woody's spokewhore later added that Woody is looking forward to shooting his new movie and is not, in fact, retiring. Oh, Woody, you coy little bitch. Pulling out, only to poke it back in.
The verdict is in: Woody is thirsty!
Finally, spring has sprung, which means it's time for all good gals and guys to trim those short 'n' curlies, cause no one wants to see your jungle biscuit sprouting like a Chia Pet from beneath your sassy short-shorts. Long gone are the days when lady pubes were shaped like a large furry pizza slice, or dude pubes looked like a mushroom-capped Wookie. Picking crunch-a-curly pube hairs out from between your teefs is so 2000-late, amirite? Quick, somebody tell all the Summer Olympic athletes to shave the grass, because Nike's new "official" track and field designs have just been released.
And please, make sure and tell the lady athletes that they'll need to trim extra-extra close, because Nike's design for them features its bottom section all but crawling up the lady's chocha - and it surely will once she's running and sweating, with her legs pistoning up and down. I guess Nike's designers aren't into bewbs, because there's plenty of coverage there, and in a shocking, all-things-are-not-equal twist, the men's bottoms are not the slingshot bikini of our dreams, which could have caused whoopsie-released bro-globes and floppy sausage when they were running. Not fair!
Lady people are not having it, especially athletes. "If the labia are hanging out on a still mannequin," notes one, "what do we expect will happen to a moving person?" "This gusset is giving me anxiety," said another. But Lauren Fleshman, a retired Pro US Runner, says it best. "Professional athletes should be able to compete without dedicating brain space to constant pube vigilance!" Side note: "Pube Vigilance" is today's finest Band Name. Predictably, Nike has no problem with the designs, and insists they've used "the latest data" and "algorithms" to create "the perfect design." Which means that A.I. really wants to feast on the yeast, as they say. Cue the unquenchable Nike's new, apologetic press release, entitled, "We Hear You!" or "We'll Cover Your Cookie!" in 3...2...
The verdict is in: Nike is thirsty!
Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched.
Photo Credits: Rex via The Sun; Invision/Shutterstock; Citius Mag
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