WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HOR? Is it Richard Dreyfuss? Or Dennis Quaid? Or Dear Ben Platt?

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than a months-old dead opossum on the side of the road, so they need all the moisture they can get.

First up, we have Richard Dreyfuss, a phlegmatic, has-been actor who happily engages in "consensual seduction rituals," as he cheerfully termed it after being accused of whipping out his gherkin to a barely 20 year-old female writer in a studio trailer. "I remember my face being brought close to his penis,” said the writer. “The idea was that I was going to give him a blow job. I didn’t, and I left.” Those writers, so uptight. Swing, baby, swing! But maybe don't swing when it comes to Richard's son, Harry, who in 2017 claims that his penis was groped and fondled through his pants when he was an underage teenager by none other than Kevin Spacey, all while an unwitting Richard was in the same room. The company you keep, amirite? Once he found out, Richard was appalled, since - stay with me here - whipping out your gherkin is "seduction," while groping said gherkin is not. Phew! Glad that's cleared up. 

"I am not an assaulter!" Richard exclaimed when the story about the writer broke. "I flirt. If you don't flirt, you die." And if you don't open your big yapper, you don't step in it, which Richard has been doing a lot lately. Just last week, in his latest bid for look-at-me thirsty fame, he arrived at a screening of "Jaws," waltzing onto the stage for the Q&A in a darling dress. I'm not kidding. This was part of his compelling theatrical statement - apropos to nothing, at least as it regards "Jaws" - against trans rights and parents who support their trans sons and daughters. If "Jaws" were a rogue penectomy biter - ouch! - then this might have made some sense, but hey, this was Richard's turn to speak, and he was only getting started. 

He also called Steven Spielberg an "idiot," claiming that "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" was a good movie only because he convinced Spielberg to hire him instead of Gene Hackman for the lead role. And Barbra Streisand? He didn’t listen to her as a director because she's a woman and "women shouldn’t have that kind of power.” This aligns with his past opinions about the Academy's inclusion guidelines, both of which he said "Make me vomit! Am I being told that I will never have a chance to play a Black man? Are we crazy?" Hilariously, some are blaming Richard's rants on his bipolar disorder, but since Richard himself has said as recently as 2019 that he's been "on the right meds" for years, we can't point the finger at lithium, only at Richard, whom we'll hopefully next see in a lovely gingham dress and in blackface. 

The verdict is in: Richard is thirsty!

Next, we have sloppy-mouthed MAGA-lover Dennis Quaid, who's all in for Donald Trump in the upcoming general election. "Trump is the most investigated person in the history of the world and they haven't been able to get him!" he told Piers Morgan earlier this week in an interview that's aged about as well as Rudy Giuliani's shriveled nutsack after being junk-punched by Trump for the last ten years. "People might call Trump an asshole," Dennis continued, "but he's my asshole!" And with that charming endearment, let's hope that Trump's followers take a cue and cry out "My asshole!" at Trump's rallies, or just "Asshole!" for short. 

This is the kind of knowledgeable politicking we've come to expect of Dennis, who became a notably raging and sometimes violent coke head - allegedly! - after starring in "The Right Stuff." He was still hopped up on blow when he married Meg Ryan, and just like Judy Garland in "A Star Is Born" - or Barbra Streisand for you Boomers, or Lady Try-Hard Gaga for those of you without taste, class or working eardrums - the marriage tanked. Why, you ask? Because just after their nuptials, Meg's career skyrocketed, while Dennis' got flushed down the shitter because no one wanted to work with a coke-bloated cheeseball who repeatedly and openly cheated on his wife. This left Dennis spitting mad and drove Meg to enjoy savory Aussie peen courtesy of Russell Crowe. 

In a you-can't-make-this-up twist, upon their divorce, Dennis briefly became manorexic, got tossed a role in a Lindsay Lohan flick - a secondary supporting role, which was quite the comedown - then started dating golddigging hors "starlets" sometimes 40 years his junior, one of whom he married. All the while, he's continued to angrily joke that Tom Hanks "stole my career," failing to mention that he actually turned down the male lead opposite Meg in "Sleepless in Seattle," which was next offered to Tom. Happily, Dennis has by now found Jesus - who, FYI, would like to be excluded from this conversation - kicked drugs, become a stalwart MAGA and will next star in a lower-than-low budget biopic in which he'll play Ronald Reagan. No word yet on whether on not Reagan is also his "Asshole!" but here's hoping. 

The verdict is in: Dennis is thirsty!

Finally, we have tedious nepo baby Ben Platt, pictured above playing a 30 year-old high school student in "Dear Evan Hanson," a soulless nightmare of a musicale - "But it was better than 'Cats!'" exclaim its fans - which was produced by Marc, his big-time Hollywood producer father, and which no one saw because: so many reasons. When asked by an interviewer about being a nepo baby, Ben petulantly hissed, "We're going to skip right over that." Oh, but I won't, dear Benjamin Platt, I won't. And, really, it takes quite the conceited twat to appear on "RuPaul's Drag Race" and lecture the queens, many of whom come from impoverished homes, about his "lifelong struggles." As what, exactly? The son of a ka-jillionaire producer who handed him his career? Nepo Clay Aikin, please. 

But this week, even his die-hard theatre nerd fans winced, and you know that's something given that Ben is the self-proclaimed "Captain of The Theatre Nerds!" Ben had previously announced that he'll perform a series of concerts at NYC's fabled Palace Theatre, which has recently been refurbished, and is where Judy Garland gave a series of legendary concert performances in the 1960s. Earlier this week, Ben shockingly squealed to Playbill: "Judy Garland spoke to me!" No, for real. In his bedroom, no less. She gave him encouragement, he added. There were gasps from the gheys worldwide - "Oh, Mary, crawl back up your cornhole, she did not!" they exclaimed, along with "Get her, Jade!" - while Judy's apparition reportedly appeared, albeit briefly, at Stonewall where she popped a dexy, downed a cocktail, winked and said, "Clang, clang, clang, bitches." 

But this hasn't stopped dear Ben, who's certain that his concerts, which started on May 28th, will make everyone feel "connected," whatever that means, but if they don't, Ben can find solace in the arms of his partner Noah Galvin, who - are you sitting? -  played the role of "Evan Hanson" on Broadway after Ben, and who looks scarily just like Ben. "I love you!" is something Ben has definitely said to Noah, by which he means to say, "It's just like looking in a mirror!" Their cum spurts are like the matching dancing fountain waters at The Bellagio in Vegas. Luckily, Ben has his theatre career and has even won two Tonys - or half as many as Glenn Close, who's only won four, which is a crime - so he's not too worried about any "randos being jerks!" as he says. No word yet on whether or not Ben is also a lucky Dennis Quaid "Asshole!" but we can hope.

Te verdict is in: Ben is thirsty!

Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, so choose one, or if you like, rank this week's three in descending order of 1) mega-thirsty to 2) thirsty-thirsty to 3) thirsty. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched.

Photo Credits: Axelle/Bauer-Griffin; FilmMagic/Getty Images; Universal Pictures