WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HO? Is it Jonathan Bailey? Or Andy Cohen? Or Katy Perry?

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than Justin Timberlake's future career prospects, so they need all the moisture they can get.

First, we have Jonathan Bailey, Hollywood's gay du jour, who, fresh from spreading his legs wider than a four-lane crosswalk for Matt Bomer in "Fellow Travelers," has decided to "do good" for his fellow sausage jockeys. He wants to "fight stigma," he squealed this week, with his spanking new charity, The Shameless Fund, yet what it will do, exactly, remains a mystery, though he vaguely claims that it will contribute funds to other, already long- established LGBT+ charities. So it's - what, exactly? Kind of like a middle-man? A lazy, unwelcome third in a lubed-up booty train? So many questions remain to be answered, the most urgent being why is this charity even needed?

It's a question which can only be answered one way: someone has chronic thirst. Especially with respect to its first fundraising effort, the sale of T-shirts with "drink your milk" emblazoned across them. They were created by the fashion house, Lowe, believe it or not, which has so far declined to specify how much of a cut The Shameless Fund will actually get for each shirt they sell. Tsk. Details! And the shirt itself? It's a "cheeky" reference, don't you know, to a supposedly sexy "Fellow Travelers" scene which featured bossy bitch Bomer demanding that Bailey drink a glass of milk - and if you didn't "get" that the milk in question was supposed to be Bomer's sailor sauce, then you didn't feel that anvil which only now just dropped on your head. 

Unsurprisingly, social media was all "Yasssssss, queen, slay!" when Jonathan - or rather his doppelganger, Croatian model Ivan Cidrian - posed wearing the shirt, a glass of milk between his legs, his stache frosted with legnogg, though a few angrily exclaimed, "Dairy is incredibly abusive to animals!" and "You know a lot of gays are vegan, right?" Pff. Haters. You are so not invited to the fuckspit party. Luckily, most comments were along the lines of this one: "I'd rather drink your milk right from the source!" Only one asked, "What about chocolate milk?" And, really, who cares if Bailey can't spell? "The Shameless Fund will...forge a world where every LGBTQ+ person can live autheincally [sic]" he wrote on his socials. But whatevs. And let's be honest, how any actors forthcoming in a painful-looking musicale with Ariana Grande are willing to promote metaphorical cocksnot? And it's all for charity, right? 

The verdict is in: Jonathan is thirsty!

Next, we have Andy Cohen, seen above making his 'O' face while getting finger-banged by Kris Jenner. It may seem redundant nominating Andy for Thirstiest Ho Of The Week, but this week he crossed a new line when he was interviewed by "Deadline," wherein he shed copious woe-is-me tears. Why? Because, as he points out, in the Emmy category of Best Talk Show Host, he's never been nominated, while the likes of Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon and John Oliver routinely get nominated and even win on occasion. According to Andy, that's "not fair!" and it leaves him "really salty!" Let that sink in for a moment. Andy believes he deserves an award. Andy wants respect. I know, I know, I just picked my jaw up off the floor, too. 

Yes, Andy wants respect for hosting "Watch What Happens Live!" which is only one show in his still-ongoing onslaught of misogynist crap, and which I will charitably, and collectively, refer to as Cultural Chernobyl. Hilariously, Andy believes he's not part of the Emmy host conversation because he's "not a comedian" like all the others, which is a bit like saying Jonathan Bailey's milk tastes just like actual manjam (pro-tip: it doesn't). He also thinks he's passed by because the show's 30 minutes long, not an hour, and because it's live and not taped, and because it's....oh, but the excuses go on and on. Yet he never nails the main reason: it's him the Emmy voters are rejecting, and they've been doing so for fifteen years. Now that's something worth cheering with a huge glass of milk. As for Andy, let's leave him sobbing and salty. 

The verdict is in: Andy is thirsty!

Finally, sometimes pictures are worth a thousands words. Need I say more?

Okay, maybe a little more. As we know from Few Words' Evening Nightcap, Katy Perry - the noted has-been, titty-cream-shooting poptart turned talent show judge who once slut shamed a contestant, a mother of three, by telling her that she's been "laying on the table too much" - has been stunting hard for her new, soon-to-be-released album, which absolutely no one asked for. This includes releasing a heavily auto-tuned snippet from her upcoming single that most listeners likened to a drunk A.I. robot being shaken, slapped and left for dead. Was this a sneak peak or a threat?

But most of all, Katy's been desperately stunting at Paris Fashion Week, horing forth in a series of bewildering monstrosities that even Lady Gaga might cautiously regard as: "Tacky. She's tacky, right?" But my favorite is the look above, what with her scraggly Diner Waitress Black Hair dye, her wearied, half-hearted wave and smile which seem to say, "I know. You know. Let's leave it at that." And let's not forget that craft project dress itself, which is so very long, all the better to contain Katy's lyrics for her upcoming song, "Women's World." The lyrics, which I'm certain were originally written in crayon on a Denny's paper placemat, include, “It’s a woman’s world and you’re lucky to be living in it! Sexy! Confident! So intelligent!" Yes, Stephen Sondheim just popped up from his grave to sing her praises, but then thought better and opined: "Tacky. She's tacky, right?" Don't look now, but Katy's reaching not only for a glass of milk, but an entire cow. 

The verdict is in: Katy is thirsty!

Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched.

Photo Credits: Jonathan Bailey/Instagram; Getty Images; Bravo/NBC Universal