THE ROVING PECKER PRESENTS: "The Tales Of Peckerwood Manor - The First Episode" by Kombitcha!
Technology! Isn't it grand? Recently, I started using ChatGPT to generate filler, or placeholder, copy for some design concepts for work projects and was pretty impressed, which quickly lead to me wondering what other wild shit it would create if I threw together a bunch of TV characters.
Initially, I was messing around with a nonsense script with no continuity or real storyline - like a choose-your-own adventure gone wrong. The characters were a mishmash of existing TV characters; Lucille Bluth, Sheldon, Bonnie from "Mom," etc, plus Andy Dick. Because why not? It was chaotic, but not in a good way, and I got bored with it pretty quickly. Yet because of this history ChatGPT still tries to throw these characters in occasionally, especially Andy Dick.
It was then I realized that I could actually create something far more entertaining by writing a fictional storyline for Peckerwood Manor; a grand manor filled with eclectic eccentric residents. Drama, Mystery, Romance, Comedy. A little "Dynasty," a little "Community," a little "Love Boat." Some immediate
How'd I do it? Using ChatGPT, I requested that it "brainstorm" a script with me. I found that if you’re not specific, it will run ahead with ideas. I input my ideas for Peckerwood Manor, and suggested some characters and very basic character profiles. And I mean really basic (mine was “hippie Australian that hates crows” - hence the stereotypical Aussie slang, the perpetual crow and weed references you will read).
It suggests a list of ideas, too, some which I choose (some are crap and I ask it to “try again”), then I edit these ideas by entering in phrases like, “that’s great, but can you make Caza more like Lucile Bluth in this scene”, or “write this scene in the style of Dynasty” or “make this funnier/sassier/etc." Once I’m happy with the scene concept, I ask it to “script it.” Sometimes it creates something surprising and hilarious, no edits needed, sometimes it needs more guidance, or tweaking (like when it refers to “gang” or “team” I change it to “Peckers”).
There are some flaws. It’s quite literal with information. So because my name is Kombitcha, it regularly wants my character to be drinking kombucha. It decided Few Words doesn’t speak much. That type of thing. Another example is when I tried to introduce Phoebe Price into the manor, it decided “Monica and Chandler” were coming with her. So ideas don’t always work out. (Sorry, Phoebe, no guest-star role for you). There are entire scenes I give barely any information to and it suggests some hilarious scenarios.
You do need to keep the continuity in check. While it clings to some information for dear life (it frequently suggests Andy Dick should be in scenes), it will forget important continuity information, so I need to correct it sometimes. It’s a bit hit and miss. The laughs I’ve had creating these have been incredibly therapeutic, and if others enjoy reading them that’s awesome. I’m a creative (but not a writer) who is very burnt out in my career, and this has been a great outlet.
And remember, if you don't see yourself in this episode, maybe you'll see yourself in subsequent ones. There's too many of you for all at once! I hope you enjoy "The Tales Of Peckerwood Manor."
EPISODE 1
“Welcome to the Manor!”
Opening Scene: The Manor Introduction
We open with an establishing shot of Peckerwood Manor, an enormous, somewhat rundown but grand manor, covered in ivy and surrounded by an overgrown garden. The front gates creak as they swing open, revealing the chaotic, eclectic life inside.
Rehearsal Madness
INT. PECKERWOOD MANOR – THEATRE - DAY
The room is set up for the cabaret rehearsal. BREE, looking fabulous and calm on the outside, is stressed about holding everything together for the big show.
She is instructing her troupe, the BENDY BOYS™, half-clothed dancers who are only half paying attention. CHASE, a particularly ego-driven dancer, is stretching in the background, clearly distracted by his own reflection in a mirror. Other Bendy Boys™ are chatting among themselves.
BREE
(clapping hands)
Alright, darlings, focus! This show is tomorrow and I refuse to debut a mess. Chase, sweetheart, if you could tear yourself away from the mirror for a moment.
CHASE
(still staring; gives himself a saucy wink)
Yeah, yeah, I’m here.
BREE
Let’s run the closing number again. Positions!
The Bendy Boys™ lazily get into position. Bree watches them critically as they begin the routine, but Chase is off, his timing sloppy.
BREE
(stopping the music)
Chase, darling, you’re lagging. What’s going on with you?
CHASE
(sighs dramatically)
Look, Bree, I’m just not feeling it anymore. I’ve been thinking...maybe it’s time I go solo.
BREE
(eyes wide, in disbelief)
Solo? Chase, sweetie, you’ve barely mastered ensemble work.
CHASE
Exactly! I’m being held back! Maybe it’s time I moved on. Got my own spotlight, y’know?
BREE
(dryly)
Oh, you’ll get a spotlight, Chase. It’ll be the one aimed at you as you mop this stage.
The other Bendy Boys™ snicker; Bree takes a breath, trying to remain calm.
BREE
We have one more day until the show, so let’s focus, alright? Save the drama for the audience.
(suddenly she realizes something)
Wait a minute…where’s my costume for tonight?
The Bendy Boys™ stop, looking around confused.
CHASE
Didn’t you hang it up in the dressing room?
BREE
(panicking)
I thought so, but it's not there!
She spots RAINCOASTER sitting at the back of the auditorium, deep in thought, scribbling in her notebook.
BREE
Raincoaster, can you help me figure this out? My life depends on your detective skills.
RAINCOASTER
I’m on the case!
A dancer trips, causing a prop to topple over. Bree rolls her eyes, clearly unamused.
BREE
Alright, Bendy Boys™, focus! This is a cabaret, not an excuse for you to stretch your legs like you’re in a yoga class at some corporate retreat.
Just as they start getting into a groove, the door bursts open and KOMBITCHA walks in, holding her kombucha bottle.
KOMBITCHA
(cheerfully loud)
Oi! How’s the show prep goin', Bree? I heard yelling from the other side of the manor.
BREE
(frustrated)
I love you, Kombitcha, but if you interrupt my rehearsal one more time, I will personally have you banned from my theatre for life.
KOMBITCHA
(grinning, unfazed)
Right-o, mate. Just wanted to check in. You know I’m your biggest fan!
BREE
Yes, darling, I know. Now be a fan from a distance.
Kombitcha throws up her hands in mock surrender and backs out of the room.
INT. PECKERWOOD MANOR – HALLWAY, OUTSIDE THEATRE, SAME TIME
Kombitcha, still chuckling from Bree’s outburst, bumps into CAZA in the hallway.
CAZA
(raising an eyebrow)
Oh, let me guess—Bree’s losing it again?
KOMBITCHA
You could hear her down the hall, mate. That woman needs a massage or a holiday or somethin’.
CAZA
(smirking, inspecting her nails)
Or maybe a cocktail. Or three.
The two exchange looks and laugh before continuing down the hall.
INT. PECKERWOOD MANOR – KITCHEN, DAY
The kitchen is a disaster zone. Random ingredients are scattered everywhere, and smoke billows from the stove. FEW WORDS, a shy, quiet resident, is standing by the stove, looking determined as he pokes at what can only be described as a culinary nightmare.
The food looks like something straight out of a Brooklyn Beckham Instagram post— absolutely awful. Caza, drawn by the smell, walks in and stares at the scene in disbelief.
CAZA
(wrinkling his nose, trying to remain polite)
What in the world is going on here?
FEW WORDS
(mumbling, shyly)
Trying to cook, um… dinner?
CAZA
Right. And what exactly is this masterpiece supposed to be?
FEW WORDS
(staring down at a burnt pile of unidentifiable ingredients)
Macaroni and, um…cheese?
Caza, unable to hold back anymore, laughs, though he tries to make it sound supportive.
CAZA
I love that you’re trying. But that’s not dinner—that’s a cry for help.
Caza walks over to the stove, poking at the unappetizing mess with a wooden spoon.
CAZA
You know, it’s giving modern art. Like one of those exhibitions where they tell you it’s about the suffering of the human soul, but really it’s just a pile of hot garbage.
FEW WORDS
I thought it would turn out, um...better?
CAZA
Aw, we all have our talents. Maybe next time, let someone else handle the cooking—unless you’re aiming for a new take on “charred macaroni.”
As he talks, Caza casually starts rearranging the ingredients on the counter, clearly intending to "fix" Few Words’ disaster.
CAZA
Let me show you a few tricks. First off, let’s ditch this disaster. And second, maybe keep the fire department on speed dial—just to be safe!
(he laughs, trying to salvage the situation)
Sandwiches are sexy, too.
CUT TO: PECKERWOOD MANOR – LIVING ROOM, SAME TIME
In the living room, the smell of Few Words’ failed cooking wafts in as Bree and Raincoaster both wrinkle their noses.
BREE
Is that burning cheese?
RAINCOASTER
(serious)
Or maybe a sign that we’re all in danger. Few Words is cooking again.
INT. PECKERWOOD MANOR – LIBRARY, LATER
The Letter of Intrigue
ECCE sits at a large, ornate desk, the sunlight streaming through the window, flipping through a stack of papers when he notices a beautifully folded letter tucked beneath a pile of old books. Curiosity piqued, he opens it.
ECCE
(reading aloud)
“Ecce - the one who bends but never breaks, your essence dances through my mind like a graceful twirl…”
He pauses, a puzzled expression crossing his face as he continues.
ECCE
“…You’ve captured my heart with your every move, and I find myself longing for the way you bend into laughter, twisting the mundane into magic…”
His brow furrows, and he looks around the empty library as if expecting someone to reveal themselves.
ECCE
(muttering)
Who is this mysterious man? This is both charming and utterly confusing!
He scans the letter for clues, spotting a doodle of a flexible figure at the bottom, complete with exaggerated limbs and a heart drawn beside it.
ECCE
(holding the letter up)
Am I supposed to know who you are? A hint would be nice! Well, whoever you are, consider yourself on my radar!
A mysterious silhouette is seen lurking behind a bookshelf.
INT. PECKERWOOD MANOR – FOYER, SAME TIME
Raincoaster’s Discovery
Raincoaster stands by the grand staircase, a sense of purpose in her eyes. She rummages through an old, dusty box filled with trinkets and papers, muttering to herself.
RAINCOASTER
(to herself)
There’s something hidden in this place. The stories, the whispers... I can feel it.
As she sifts through the items, her fingers brush against a crumpled note tucked between some faded photographs. She unfolds it, revealing a series of symbols and a riddle scrawled in elegant handwriting.
RAINCOASTER
What’s this? A clue?
She reads the riddle aloud, her voice tinged with intrigue:
RAINCOASTER
“In a hidden enclave where the quirky unite,
A legacy of laughter, shrouded from sight.
Amongst the bold spirits, their tales intertwine,
From the heart of the gathering where stars brightly shine”
(her eyes widen, her mind racing with possibilities)
This symbol keeps showing up everywhere. It must mean something significant. I’m convinced there’s a real mystery to solve. I need to figure out where this leads!
With renewed energy, she tucks the note into her pocket, ready to unravel the secrets of Peckerwood Manor.
INT. PECKERWOOD MANOR – THEATRE, LATER
Cabaret Chaos: Enter RichBitch
Rehearsal for Bree’s cabaret show is in full swing. Bree sits on a chair, watching her Bendy Boys™ stumble through the routine. The door to the parlour bursts open.
RICHBITCH struts in dramatically, his signature flashy, garish outfit gleaming under the lights. He freezes mid-pose, taking in the chaotic rehearsal.
RICHBITCH
(loud, sassy)
Oh. My. God. What is this circus?
BREE
(sighing, trying to stay calm)
RichBitch, darling, I’m so happy you’re here, but as you can see, we’re in the middle of a rehearsal. And by “middle,” I mean “total meltdown.”
RICHBITCH
This is like watching a reality show unfold live! But seriously, what’s with all the drama?
BREE
Rich, if you’re not here to help, then—
RICHBITCH
(cutting in)
I couldn’t help but overhear some whispers in the hallway. Apparently, BlakBlu’s been flirting up a storm—just not with me!
(pouting)
Can you believe it? I feel personally attacked.
The Bendy Boys™ pause mid-routine, intrigued.
BREE
RichBitch, please...
RICHBITCH
Fine, fine! Go ahead with your little…whatever this is. But remember, nothing truly entertaining happens without me. I’ll be in the parlor with Caza, making sure the magic happens.
INT. PECKERWOOD MANOR – FOYER, SAME TIME
Crows, Conspiracies, and Kombitcha
Raincoaster is sneaking through the manor, still obsessing over the mysterious symbols. She mutters to herself, peeking around corners, as though on the verge of uncovering some great secret.
As she creeps, she bumps into Kombitcha, who’s busy drinking from a giant bottle of kombucha.
KOMBITCHA
(startled)
Bloody hell, Raincoaster! What are you doing, sneaking around like that?
RAINCOASTER
(hushed, serious)
I’m onto something big. There’s something hidden in this manor, and I think it’s connected to the old owners. Have you seen any strange symbols or signs?
KOMBITCHA
(laughing, sipping her drink)
Nah, mate. But speaking of strange, I’ve got a bit of a crow situation outside. Those feathered fiends are plotting something.
RAINCOASTER
(deadly serious)
Crows? Are they giving you trouble?
KOMBITCHA
Just a bit. They keep stealing my flowers. I need you to help me figure out how to scare them off.
RAINCOASTER
Oh, they’re not just stealing, they’re plotting.
KOMBITCHA
You think they’re actually plotting against me?
RAINCOASTER
(nodding, theatrically)
Absolutely! They could be forming a bird brigade right now, planning to overthrow your flower empire.
KOMBITCHA
(a smirk; feigning panic)
What if they team up with the ghosts? I can’t have a ghost-crow alliance.
RAINCOASTER
(laughing)
Then you’d better start a crow containment plan!
KOMBITCHA
I might need to launch an anti-crow campaign. “Caw No More!”
RAINCOASTER
(winking)
I’d support that. Just remember: they’re clever little devils. They might be running a secret operation right under your nose!
Kombitcha shakes her head, half-amused, half-terrified, and walks away.
KOMBITCHA
(turning back)
If they start raiding my stash, I’m calling you for backup!
INT. PECKERWOOD MANOR – KITCHEN, LATER
Recipe for Laughter
The kitchen is now slightly cleaned up from Few Words’ disaster earlier. Caza is sitting at the counter, applying makeup, while Ritchbitch is scrolling on his phone, still recovering from being ignored by Blakblu.
CAZA
(looking at RichBitch, concerned)
I think you should let the BlakBlu thing go. It’s tragic, yes, but we’ll survive.
RICHBITCH
(sighing dramatically)
Easy for you to say, Caza. He flirts with everyone, but somehow, I don’t make the cut?
CAZA
(a snort)
Maybe he’s intimidated by your fabulousness.
RICHBITCH
(nodding, slightly perking up)
True. I am a bit much for the average man to handle.
Just then, Bree bursts into the kitchen, her energy palpable.
BREE
(excitedly)
Alright, Peckers! I’ve had a revelation. I need a comedian for my new act! Someone to bring the laughs, the snark, and maybe a little raunchy charm.
RICHBITCH
What’s your vibe? Wild? Clever? Or just straight-up ridiculous?
BREE
A bit of everything! I want someone who can improvise, keep me on my toes.
RICHBITCH
Count me in for the judging panel!
INT. PECKERWOOD MANOR - CAZA’S BEAUTY ROOM, LATER
Caza’s Makeover Madness
Resident CARBON stands in front of a full-length mirror, arms crossed, glaring at her reflection. She’s wearing her usual glamorous attire, but Caza is buzzing with energy, armed with a makeup kit and a selection of flamboyant outfits.
CAZA
Time to unleash your inner Spice Girl! We’re talking glitter, sass, and enough sparkle to blind the audience!
CARBON
(rolling her eyes)
I don’t need to look like I just stepped out of a 90s music video, Caza. Can’t I just wear my usual fabulousness?
CAZA
"Usual fabulousness” just won’t cut it. We need wow, not just meh. Trust me, this is for your own good!
Reluctantly, Carbon uncrosses her arms as Caza pulls out a shiny, sequined mini dress reminiscent of a Spice Girl concert outfit.
CARBON
(eyebrow raised)
That looks like it could double as a disco ball.
CAZA
Exactly! It’s a statement piece! Now, let’s get this on you.
CARBON
Fine! But if I look ridiculous, I’m blaming you.
As Carbon changes, Caza starts applying bold, colorful makeup, blending bright pinks and purples with precision.
CAZA
(enthusiastically)
Just think of it as channeling your inner Ginger Spice! We’re going for fierce and fabulous.
CARBON
(grinning despite herself)
If I start singing “Wannabe,” I’m holding you responsible.
CAZA
Only if you do the dance moves too!
Finally, Carbon is in the sparkly dress, complete with chunky platform shoes and a dramatic choker. Caza spins her around, admiring his handiwork.
CAZA
(clapping hands)
Behold! The new you! If the audience doesn’t love you, I’ll eat my own hat!
CARBON
(staring at herself, half-amazed)
Okay, maybe this is kinda cute.
CAZA
Now you’re ready to knock ‘em dead at the audition! Let’s get you out there and make some magic happen!
Carbon takes a deep breath, striking a pose in front of the mirror.
CARBON
Alright, let’s do this. Spice up my life!
INT. PECKERWOOD MANOR – KITCHEN, SAME TIME
Few Words’ Baking
The kitchen is a flurry of energy, a chaotic haven of flour and ingredients. FewWords stands at the counter, practically bouncing with excitement as he mixes ingredients.
FEW WORDS
(to himself)
Alright, let’s get this show on the road! The auditions are happening today, and I need to make a good impression!
He glances at the oven, then at his buzzing phone, which he ignores, fully focused on the task at hand.
FEW WORDS
Focus, Few Words. Cake first, comedy later!
With a few swift movements, he pours batter into a cake pan, sets it in the oven, and sets a timer.
FEW WORDS
This is going to be great! A little fuel for the laughter!
He rushes out, leaving the kitchen in a whirlwind of flour and excitement, ready to tackle the day ahead.
Auditions for Bree’s Comedy Act
INT. PECKERWOOD MANOR – THEATRE, LATER
Bree sets up a small stage area for auditions, complete with a mic and a spotlight. A mix of residents line up, all eager to showcase their “talents.” The atmosphere buzzes with excitement and anticipation.
BREE
Alright, everyone! Welcome to the first round of auditions for my cabaret show. Remember, I’m looking for laughter, creativity, and maybe a touch of filth. Impress me, or... well, let’s not think about that.
The first contestant, BLAKBLU, steps up, full of confidence.
BLAKBLU
(grinning)
So, I walked into a bar... and the bartender says, “Why the long face?” And I say, “Because my ex just walked in! But hey, at least I’m stronger than my relationships!”
The audience groans collectively. Bree winces.
BREE
Next!
The next contestant, Carbon, struts up in her Spice Girls-inspired outfit.
CARBON
(excitedly)
So, I tried online dating... and “adventurous spirit” really just means “I’ll disappear faster than my Wi-Fi signal on a hike!”
BREE
Next!
As the auditions continue, each attempt gets increasingly bizarre and awkward. RichBitch sits in the corner, trying to stifle his laughter.
RICHBITCH
(to Caza)
This is like a train wreck you can’t look away from. Is this what we call comedy? Because I’m not sure I’m ready for the existential crisis that comes with it.
Finally, CLICQUOT walks in, looking cocky and ready to entertain.
CLICQUOT
(confidently)
So, my therapist says I need to work on my self-esteem, so I’ve decided to become a comedian. Because, you know, nothing says “I’m fabulous” like making people laugh at my own expense!
He delivers a series of increasingly edgy one-liners, each raunchier than the last. The audience is in stitches, and Bree is caught off guard by his boldness.
BREE
Okay, now we’re talking! You actually have talent! Keep it up, and you might just earn a spot in my show.
The audience erupts in applause. Bree looks thrilled but also slightly nervous about the content.
The charred cake conundrum
INT. PECKERWOOD MANOR – KITCHEN, LATER
Few Words steps into the kitchen, defeated from his audition. The moment he crosses the threshold, a dense cloud of smoke engulfs him, stopping him in his tracks. His eyes widen in alarm, and he bolts towards the oven.
FEW WORDS
(panicking)
No! Not again!
He opens the oven to reveal a charred cake, blackened and smoldering.
Just then, Caza strolls in, a sly grin on his face as he surveys the scene.
CAZA
Oh, I see. Did you just attempt to bake a cake or audition for a fire safety video? This is a catastrophe that even a makeover can't fix.
FEW WORDS
(defeated)
I was just trying to make something nice, um...for Bree’s show?
CAZA
(teasing)
“Nice”? That cake is so burnt, it should be featured in a horror film. But your apron? Now that’s a look! With a little tweaking, you could make “kitchen chic” a thing.
FEW WORDS
I really thought I could, um...do this?
CAZA
(mock-serious)
And I really thought you could avoid turning your kitchen into a charcoal factory! You know, if you focused a fraction of that energy on a makeover, you’d be the talk of the town.
(playfully)
Honestly, this could start a new trend: charred cuisine. But let’s be real, I’d rather see you with a fresh haircut than burnt cake. Next time, let’s schedule a makeover day.
They share a laugh as Few Words surveys the wreckage, already plotting his next culinary adventure.
Raincoaster’s Investigation
INT. PECKERWOOD MANOR – HALLWAY, LATER
Raincoaster wanders through the manor, holding her notebook and muttering to herself. She’s on the hunt for clues, her detective persona in full swing.
RAINCOASTER
There has to be something here. The whispers of the manor are telling secrets, and I’m determined to uncover them.
She pauses, inspecting a dusty painting on the wall.
RAINCOASTER
(seriously)
Is this a clue or just terrible art? Either way, I can’t let it distract me!
As she moves on, her eyes catch a glimmer on the floor. She kneels down, brushing away some dust to reveal an odd symbol etched into the wooden floorboards.
RAINCOASTER
(excitedly)
Aha! What’s this? Another mystery unfolds!
She takes out her notebook, scribbling down notes as her mind races with possibilities.
RAINCOASTER
This symbol must mean something important. I need to find out what connects it to the manor's history!
INT. PECKERWOOD MANOR – THEATRE, LATER
Cliquot stands confidently on stage, continuing to deliver his best material.
CLICQUOT
(leaning into the mic, grinning)
Dating is just like going to a thrift store—you dig through all the junk, and every once in a while, you find a gem. But let’s be honest: most of the time, you’re just left wondering why you even bothered to put on pants for!
Laughter erupts, and Bree watches, impressed. He continues with more raunchy jokes, each one landing perfectly.
BREE
(to Caza, whispering)
I think we found our comedian!
Caza nods, clearly enjoying the performance as the crowd cheers for more.
Episode Tie-Up
INT. PECKERWOOD MANOR – LOUNGE, LATER
The residents are relaxing in the lounge, buzzing with excitement as Bree talks about the auditions.
BREE
(enthusiastically)
Alright, everyone! I’m thrilled to announce that Cliquot is our new comedian! Get ready for some wild performances!
Everyone cheers, including Caza, who throws an arm around Bree.
CAZA
Just remember, if things get too raunchy, I’ll be here to offer a fabulous makeover to the entire show!
They all laugh, and Bree looks around, feeling a renewed sense of hope for the upcoming performance.
BREE
This is going to be a show to remember. Let’s get to work!
As they bustle around, the camera zooms out, capturing the lively atmosphere of Peckerwood Manor.
END OF EPISODE
Photo Credit: Kombitcha
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