Peckerwood Manor

Welcome, sloots, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are particularly embalmed and in need of moisture.  First, we have Tori Spelling, so go ahead, cue the "Tori" gags, i.e. "SupposiTORI" and "Sob sTori" and "Barely AmbulaTORI," etc. Now that we've got that out of the way, brace yourselves, because the press are once more delivering urgent missives (fed to them by Tori). And, yes, I eagerly read them all, 'cause she's the low-hanging, Tupperware-tittied Dumpster fire I've long adored and I shan't apologize for it.  This never-ending slop-tart saga seemed to reach a nadir when Tori packed up her chirruns and left sleazy, money-grubbing Deaner.  But lo, Tori's opus continued to offer delirious twists and turns. This included an extended stay with her crotch-droppings at a mangy RV park, then at several dilapidated, $100-a-week roadside hotels. And this was after tox...

Are stars "just like us?" Are actors their roles? And are they consistently playing out their own psycho-dramas on screen and in public? In the case of Charlize Theron, it's a fair question to ask. Or put it this way: throughout the years, there may be a reason we haven't seen her playing any of those cute, funny-bunny leading lady roles like Jennifer Lopez or Cameron Diaz (not that there's anything wrong with that), with the exception of a few "pretty girl" roles early in her career in forgettable movies like "Trial and Error" and "Sweet November."  First coming to critical notice in "Monster," in which she obliterated her "pretty girl" looks with weight gain and no make-up in order to portray true-life serial killer, Aileen Wuornos, for which she won a Best Actress Oscar, Charlize has become Hollywood's go-to actress for kicking ass - particularly male ass - either literally, or, in the case of "Bombshel...

Tori Spelling, looking like an overgrown blonde sloth in a wheelchair - apologies to sloths! - was released from the hospital yesterday after a 4-day stay. Or rather, she was wheeled out in full view, but not before "someone" helpfully alerted the paps to this momentous event. What was this former so-called "actress" turned reality "star" (turned whatever she is now) even doing there, you ask? Ah, but this is a mystery wrapped in overdue notices from AMEX wrapped in leftover umbilical cords wrapped in whatever meemaw caftan couch cover her friend is cloaked in above, not to mention the other friend's pink fupa mom jeans. There's almost too much fashion here. And too many mysteries.  Let's try to figure this out with Detective LaToya's help. As you may know, Tori and her husband, "actor" Dean McDermott, recently broke up because Tori allegedly grew weary of Dean's sex addition, a sentence I never thought I'd write because i...

Candy Spelling (Source: Getty Images)