NEPO WATCH! Madonna's Daughter, Lourdes Leon, Performs Live At Brava Madrid!

Welcome to another edition of Nepo Watch! Today, we examine Lourdes Leon, looking above like a played out Slovakian hooker giving the world's laziest bj behind the 7-11 Slurpee machine after washing her chocha with water and Strawberry Emergen-C for that fizzy 'n fruity whisker-biscuit feeling. Lourdes, as you know - and don't even pretend you don't - is the 26 year-old daughter of Vadge and dick cheese contributor, Carlos Leon, Vadge's one-time Cuban-American trainer turned sometime "actor." Lourdes claims that she once banged Timothee Chamalet in high school. "Next question, I'm outta here," said Timothee when recently asked about his past with Lourdes. Really, Tim-O-Tay? You're embarrassed by Lourdes? You? You of the reported rot-cock and herpa-warts? Clap-clap-clap. But I digress. 

At first, Lourdes wasn't too annoying. As a tween, she popped up in the news now and again, mostly because she'd been caught smoking after one of her bodyguards narced on her, or because she'd complained about Vadge being a bargain-basement Mommie Dearest and not letting her watch TV. She also peed on one of "Mum's very important documents," an incident she's been very pleased to share over the years, because: relatable, right? But something funny happened before Lourdes hit her 20s. She became a model. Or something resembling a model. 

Yes, nothing says talent-free Nepo Baby better than modeling in a crotch-hugging purse, or "purse swimwear" (I just can't) for Dion Lee. She continued to model, looking like a strung-out lemur swapping phudi for blow in most of her shoots for an array of mummy's friends clients like Stella McCartney, and later posed, predictably, with roadkill "models," Bella Hadid and Kaia Gerber on the cover of "Vogue," which was amusingly titled, "The Models Changing an Industry!" Naturally, Lourdes became a world-famous model and people even forgot she was Vadge's daughter. Kidding! Psych! She also tried her hand at being a fashion designer, starting "Material Girl," a teen clothing line, with Vadge ("Lourdes is really into layering," cooed her proud mumsy), because nothing says Nepo Baby better than creating Home Shopping Network-level disposable fashion for (presumably) blind teen girls made by 6 year-old girls with scabbed and bleeding fingertips in China. Fellow Nepo Baby, Georgia May Jagger was hired - purely for her talent! (stop laughing) - as one of the fashion line's "exclusive models." Sales were not great, which was so very surprising that butt plugs fell out in shock from filthy uncles everywhere then rolled into the corner, cried and killed themselves. Sometimes the world isn't fair. 

So while Lourdes hasn't found much success as a model or a fashion designer - though she's continued in both of these fields - she has recently decided that she's a singer. She'll be the first to say that she doesn't have mummy's singing talent - "Your mother sings?!" you understandably ask - but this hasn't stopped her from penning and singing indelible pop ditties, like  "Cuntradiction" and "Not Pussy," the later whose Sondheim-level lyrics include, "I'm not going to make the first move. I'm lazy. Pussy hole, pussy hole, pussy hole!" Strung-out lemurs swapping phudi for blow everywhere approve. As dazzling as Lourdes singing career has been so far - she calls herself, "Lolahol," and, yes, I'm assuming the last "e" is missing - nothing prepared me for her recent live performance at Brava Madrid: 

I'm not sure what's happening here. Besides looking like a bargain bin yurei Japanese ghost girl from "The Ring" or "The Grudge" who's had two sips of Red Bull and didn't realize she'd been Cosby'd by some skeeze who then heard her sing and ran, she sounds - how shall I put this? - like a very tired Nepo Baby who's lost in a Hall Of Mirrors where mummy and her friends keep telling her, "You go, girl! You are fire!" yet is just beginning to get an inkling that maybe, just maybe, she has as much talent at singing as Claire from Accounting after popping a dexy and finger-popping Lorraine from Legal in the crapper and then stumbling onto the stage at a karaoke bar to try her hand at "Walking On Sunshine." So, yeah, there's that. 

What's next for Lourdes? Who cares - because she doesn't. She can stumble and fall into one would-be career after another for the rest of her life, because that's what rich Nepo Babies do. I fully expect her to next try her hand at writing children's books - "I'm Lazy! Pussy Hole!" is a title that writes itself - or perhaps she'll share her deepest thoughts and yearnings in a weekly podcast, because we can never have too many podcasts, or she’ll become a famous chef like Peckerwood's own Brooklyn Beckham. She has all the money and all the opportunity in the world, so go forth, dear Lourdes. Share your Nepo Baby gifts. 

Photo Credits: Getty Images; Madonna/Instagram, Lourdes Leon/TikTok, Carlotta Guerrero, YouTube