Peckerwood Manor

As most of you know, Twyla the Turtle is an esteemed resident at Peckerwood Manor, known for her ribald conversations and delicious Atlanta Sours, which she makes with her own corn whisky from her own personal distillery. She's also just opened a sure-to-be-famous turtle spa, and while only Twyla and Tequila partake of its splendors at the moment, word has begun spreading. Turtles from parts near and far, we've heard, have already started their (very) slow trek toward our parts to enjoy its hot springs, massages, and reviving, minty scrub downs (as demonstrated by Miss Twyla above).  In practical terms, this means that by this time next year - or maybe after, as they're quite leisurely in their travel - we'll all have to be on the look-out, whether we be moving around on foot, bicycle or car. No one wants to hear a crunchy splat beneath their feet or tires, so do be alert to any wee, journeying creatures.  Also, today's lunch specials at the Peckerwood Cafeteria in...

Did you know? Madonna's single, "True Blue," from the album of the same title, was released in US markets this month in 1986, which means it's almost middle-aged at 38 years-old. I wasn't born yet, of course (oh, let me have this one!), but I hear that Madonna was married at the time to Sean Penn, an actor-turned-dried-up-7-11-sausage-left-on-a-grill-roller-for-at-least-5-decades. In fact, all the albums songs are said to be "inspired" by her l'amour for Penn.    1986 was also the same year Madonna and Penn starred in "Shanghai Surprise," a movie many rented on VHS - after its blessedly brief theatrical release - and stopped watching after 15 minutes, then returned it to the video store, not bothering to rewind it. I know this because when I rented it, it started at the 15 minute mark. I rewound it, started it at the beginning and 15 minutes in, I thanked the previous renter, since I agreed that 15 minutes was more than enough time to sp...

It's Monday, which is harsh enough. But everything's better with one simple ingredient: Cher. See? Just reading that made you feel good.  Did you know? She was almost cast in "Thelma & Louise." No, for reals.  Before Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis were cast, she was offered one of the lead roles, but turned it down. Why? We don't know. Cher will be Cher. She also turned down the Sarah Connor role in "The Terminator." Can you imagine Cher opposite Ah-nold? Yeah, that's a "no" for me, dawg. Also, for better or for worse, her 1998 hit “Believe” was the first major pop song to use autotune so prominently, a style which is still widely used and abused today. The only upside is that "Believe" really pissed off Madonna, since she was experimenting with autotune in the studio for her forthcoming "Music" album and Cher beat her to the punch.  Why? Because she's Cher. Because Cher has always been unapologetically herself,...

If you could slap a bitch - I mean really good and hard, and with no ill consequences for you - who would it be? You can choose anyone. Perhaps there's someone you know in your personal life whom you'd like to crack upside the head, or maybe a public figure. Who is most deserving?  Fun fact: while making the 1993 sex thriller, "Body of Evidence," Julianne Moore was afraid to slap the movie's star, none other than a very young Madonna. For those who don't know, "Body of Evidence" is the one where Madonna's hairstyle looks, as the inimitable NYTs movie critic, Vincent Canby, put it, "like she would be all too at home with Ilsa and the other she-wolves of the SS." This was not meant as praise.  Those hoping for a camp classic might want to look elsewhere. Even Madonna's hotsy-totsy sex scenes failed to ignite, since (again from Canby) "she just seems busy, like someone trying to follow directions on how to microwave a 25-pound tur...

Lift that wheelbarrow-full of Werther's, my dear, because you're getting older. Or rather, Madonna is getting older - you and I remain spring freshets - because 40-years ago this week, (yes, 40!), Madonna released "Borderline," the fourth single from her first LP, "Madonna." It was her break-out single, or rather, the one that got her noticed not just by gay and Black record buyers, who were onto her well before, but by all the muddled masses.  At the time, critics hailed her "soulful" vocal performance. I'm not kidding. Conversely, it was around this time that Mick Jagger publicly noted that she sounded like "Minnie Mouse on helium." But this may have been sour grapes on Mick's part, since years previous in 1978, according to the very juicy " Jagger Unauthorized" by Christopher Anderson , she rode his baloney pony at his Plaza Hotel suite, and the next morning, sashayed away, but not before telling him, "One day I...

Look, it's Amanda Lepore Madonna celebrating the holidays by flashing her stench trench with a cheap Sears Santa by her side during her "Celebration" tour. At least I think that amalgamation of skin, plastic and viscous peen gravy is Madonna, but who knows? Stars! They're just like dried nut custard! Or at least the ones who want you know how desperately - and I mean desperately - they're enjoying the holiday season. Because nothing says hor for the holidays like horing yourself out for you Instagram feed.  Speaking of hors, Nick Canon wants us all to know that he rully-rully cares about all the crotch-droppings of the world, half of which are his, by disguising himself as a Keepin' It Trashy Santa™ at a children's cancer ward in Orange County - because nothing says "Kill me now" like cancer and Nick Canon. Please note the lack of a proper Santa beard, since Nick wants all the children and his fans on the 'gram to know that it's him. Wh...

Welcome to another edition of Nepo Watch! Today, we examine Lourdes Leon, looking above like a played out Slovakian hooker giving the world's laziest bj behind the 7-11 Slurpee machine after washing her chocha with water and Strawberry Emergen-C for that fizzy 'n fruity whisker-biscuit feeling.  Lourdes, as you know - and don't even pretend you don't - is the 26 year-old daughter of Vadge and dick cheese contributor, Carlos Leon, Vadge's one-time Cuban-American trainer turned sometime "actor." Lourdes claims that she once banged Timothee Chamalet in high school. "Next question, I'm outta here," said Timothee when recently asked about his past with Lourdes. Really, Tim-O-Tay? You're embarrassed by Lourdes? You?  You of the reported rot-cock and herpa-warts? Clap-clap-clap. But I digress.  At first, Lourdes wasn't too annoying. As a tween, she popped up in the news now and again, mostly because she'd been caught smoking after one o...

Would you cheat on this? That the question every hor is asking themselves this morning, because yesterday, the luminous Jodie-Turner Smith filed for divorce from acceptable, mildly doable man-schlub, Joshua Jackson. Why, you ask? Because allegedly he had a case of the wandering scrotum-totem. Yes, he cheated on her , not the other way around, which is confusifying on so many levels that I just cannot. I mean, look at her. Look. At. Her. What in micro-peen man-whore hell was he thinking?  Jodie's asking for joint custody of their 3 year-old crotch dropping - and get this: there's no prenup. Which means this could potentially get very messy, but then what did we expect? They first met at Usher's 40th birthday party. If that's not stanky-bad juju, I don't know what is. Since Jodie's net worth is allegedly $5 million and Joshua's is allegedly $8 million, expect Jodie to get a hefty chunk of Joshua's cheese - not that kind, you shameless tramp - given that sh...

Cher was 40 years old when she was banging her 22 year-old boyfriend, "Bagel Boy," aka Rob Camilletti, back in 1986. "Good for her!" people said at the time, because why shouldn't she be thunderpumping on a hot Italian piece? Cher is now 77 years-old and granny-dipping on 37 year-old Alexander Edwards, a VP at Def Jam Records. That'a 40-year age difference for those of you can't count. "Good for her!" absolutely no one is saying, because while their coupling is not as eeow as Vadge getting her meat hangers stirred by 29 year-old "athlete," Josh Popper - a name made for peen-slapping OnlyFans videos - this is Cher we're talking about, a national treasure. We do not want to cringe when it comes to Cher.  As you'll recall, the world collectively shrieked, "Cher! No! Don't do it!" when she became engaged to Edwards back in 2022, or so it seemed. Was Cher losing it? Did she have Eldermentia or a serious case of Stupi...

Do you feel old yet? If you were alive when Madonna's first LP dropped on July 27th, 1983, then there's a good chance you've had a colonoscopy. Maybe you're on dolls for high cholesterol. Or maybe you're just cranky as fuque. Oh, you lucky star! Can crutch tips be far behind? But really, who doesn't remember sashaying past their school lockers with their Walkman blasting "Everybody" and feeling like you were the shit? It was on your Walkman, 'cause you bought the cassingle! And the cover art for the single? It was so "ghetto," as the kids said back then, or at least Sire, her label, wanted you to think so. Me and my friends thought the singer was either A) a cute Black girl who'd sucked on helium given her Minnie Mouse voice, or B), that little chihuahua with the Frisbee who was obviously ready to do a breakdancing backspin - with the frisbee in her mouth, yo, 'cause she stylin'. Yet in time, as more singles and a few music vi...

Fans of Madonna are in rage-mode, ya'll. Why? Because the "I'm Addicted" singer (see what I did there) was out and about yesterday and has yet to let fans know if she's delaying her tour - which is supposed to start Saturday in Vancouver. BTW, what can we tell from this picture above? No ass. It's gone. As in her surgically-enhanced poot-box seems to have left the building. Other then that, she looks pretty damn good for someone who was on the edge of death after an opiate overdose a bacterial infection   generalized unbearableness  a bout of who the fuque knows.  But back to Madonna's little monsters (ah hahahaha! come for me Gag fans!). Similar to Adele, when she had a case of the scareds before cancelling her first Vegas gig, Madonna's fans are shit out of luck in terms of all the hotel and plane fees they've paid and they are not amused. Concerns about refund eligibility? Pff. That's for the poors.  Om one hand, I feel for them. Many laid ...