TWO THUGS AND A PRIG: A Confession, Violence and Volatile Behavior With Jacob, Henry and Brad!

It seems that in the past month, we had two similar stories about Jacob Elordi and Brad Pitt, but Henry Cavill also told us something that kind of tickles my funny bone. Jacob and Brad may have anger issues, prone to being volatile in one instance and violent in the other. Which one is violent? Hmmm. One allegedly has a fuel truck in his past, and pulled a whiskey-fueled, sloppy Wendy O. Williams while screaming "Fuuuck Yooouuu Angieeeeee!" at the top of his lungs. At least that is how I picture it. The other tried to strangle a producer after a harmless yet provocative joke. And Henry, why he's positively prudish about sex scenes and clutches his man pearls when things get too hot in a movie. Imagine that. Two thugs and a prig. 

Jacob needs to start meditating or smoking weed around the clock; this brute tried to choke a producer, shoving him against a wall, then demanded that he erase the video evidence showing, at the very least, that he has no sense of humor. I mean, Jake, babe, YOU are the one who jacked off in a bathtub in a movie with a poorly constructed story. It was obviously supposed to be a titillating moment that would be talked about because we were supposed to be a little scandalized. Sorry, "Saltburn" fans, but that super duper slick movie's characters are tedious and unlikeable, and the plot is exhausting. The attempts at being twisty, perverse, and arty gave me a headache. Underneath my self-hatred for wasting precious hours of living on the terrible film was a feeling that the filmmakers were smug and insulted my intelligence. YOU starred in that fiasco, Jakey, and there are no takebacks. 

Unfortunately, I am that person who must see the entire movie and rarely turn one off, even if it is like being worked over and waterboarded for 90 to 120 minutes. Maybe Jacob's l'il ego was feeling battered and fragile, or perhaps he had read the scathing reviews that morning. So when the Australian producer of the Kyle and Jackie O radio show approached him with a Tupperware container of supposed bathwater, he got aggro - and it was all recorded. Instead of rolling his eyes and laughing at how stupid the stunt was, Jacob freaked the fuck out and attacked Joshua Fox. He choked him and slammed him against a wall, threatening and yelling in his face. Jacob then demanded he destroy the footage, but Joshua was no idiot and bravely decided he ain't playing along in case he needed evidence. 

For those who have ever watched "Euphoria" this is not unlike his character Nate, who is a psychopath with violent tendencies. I can't imagine Elordi playing anything but a villain, and that is because he seems like he has been method-acting as a jerk since infancy. His energy is off-putting, and he comes off as unpleasant in photos. I wasn't even really shocked that he is a humorless, thin-skinned asshole. Some people find him good-looking, but I am not one of them. His face looks like it needs a roundhouse or four to smack him in the middle of his pompous face. Maybe it is simply his features and genetics that make him look insufferably full of himself. Perhaps he can't help it. I can't help it either. I borderline find him repulsive.

Do you know what he can help, though? Dating Olivia "mommy cheated to get me into USC" Jade. What does that say about his taste level, or what can it even mean? Four things. Either she's a beard (unlikely), he's being paid to give her some publicity, he can't get a decent date, or something is very wrong with him. Before I continue...Zendaya, girl, what were you thinking? 3 months, and she peaced out, though, so it could have been a stunt for the show since she seems to be the anomaly in the lineup. Nepo-Baby-barely-attractive brunettes are more his speed since he was hooked up with another lackluster charisma vacuum, Kaia Gerber, Pete Davidson's supermodel's spawn "ex." Kaia will date a tree stump if it means pap strolls, red carpets, step and repeats, and all of her relationships look like some contract fuckery is afoot. Jacob was game, but when they were papped sometimes he looked like he was ready for the money shot to happen so he could go live his real life pulling legs off insects and doing dark shit in dark places. So when the story came out that he assaulted someone, I was like, of course he did. He's just like Nate!

Then we have Mr Bradley Pitt, America's Teflon actor, who is immune to negative press or any damage to his reputation. Nothing sticks to this guy. Nada. He could slap an infant and push an old lady down a flight of marble stairs and then rob a convenience store and build poorly made homes and sell them to Katrina victims, and no one would care. He's Brad Pitt. No one cared when he crept on teenagers. No one cared when he become "twins" with his mates, and let's be real, no one cared when he cheated on Rachel with Jolina, even though his penis was the common denominator. Naturally the women involved became part of a triangle from Satan's sphincter - but he, awww golly gee, shucked through it, and he was even seen as a victim in some corners. Jennifer was barren; what do you expect? She denied him fatherhood, so what's a man to do? Jolina is a junkie vixen witch who steals men, bewitches them, and wrecks homes. She seduced him! Jen lovers faced off with Jolina lovers, and it was ongoing for a decade. Where was Teflon Bradley? Sitting pretty and nearly unscathed.

When the director of "Legends of The Fall," Ed Zwick, said Brad could be volatile on set when riled, that should have maybe made people think perhaps that bitch did commandeer a fuel truck and act like a drunken madman making donuts while screaming wildly and flipping off the police. Okay, I added the flipping off police part, but in my imagination, he did that. Teflon Brad might have been even more unhinged than I could conjure in my mind, that is if it had ever happened. The story was so fantastical it seemed out there and fabricated. Tristan would never. But would Mr. Pitt? All of his exes except for his ex-wife sing his praises, and he is so beloved in Hollywood that he couldn't possibly be a rage-filled alcoholic who hijacks vehicles at airports. 

Zwick's portrayal is a rare firsthand account of Brad being a petulant, petty jerk. Stories like that don't circulate about him. No one has come out and said anything remotely negative about him. Hollywood loves him, and it is probably because he made a lot of people a lot of damn money, and his production company was putting out films that got noticed by critics. He had survived Jolina and bravely endured his years with her, which is the accepted narrative. This is what I call BS; he was loving the crazy, but I also acknowledge that Jolina's legal and martyred mommy antics have only helped his image. No more Saint Angie. All hail Saint Bradley! 

Last and in my book and least-ish is Henry Cavill. When did he become part of the moral majority? He was bonking his way through "The Tudors," which is why he even broke through in the first place. That version of Henry was attractive to me, but ever since then, I find him kind of dumb, and his reputation as a misogynist doesn't help. His behavior on sets is said to be terrible, and he acts like an egomaniac. I think he could do a better job at hiding this but I am not sure he sees himself clearly. Henry's blindspot in life is Henry himself. I doubt anyone ever saw him as a big humanitarian who lives to give back to the world. Stop laughing. Surely he weeps for the poor, the starving and downtrodden souls. Can't you imagine him holding orphans in Africa with tears streaming down his face with that atrocious haircut from "Argylle?" Hell, he should be made to pay back humankind for agreeing to that so make his ass go to Bangladesh and pay a penance. 

Nonetheless, I happen to agree with him against every cell in my body, balking at the very idea that I...see...his...point. I don't even like porn because I find the actors gross, seedy, ugly, phony, and boring. I like erotica and seduction, not mindless screwing simulations. I am the opposite of a prude and believe in sex positivity, so it isn't about kink or judgment. You can watch porn all day, every day, and you will get no judgment from me. Your choices. Your life. Admittedly, there have been times when a sex scene provides character development and is essential to the plot, but most of the time, they seem thrown in the movie for no good reason. I love classic films because you get the drift without having to see Bette Davis pretending to have an orgasm while Gary Cooper mimics wild passionate thrusting.  

Henry is 40 now, and it could be he has become more buttoned up and jaded by how much of it he has done and how fake it really is. Maybe he looks at it from the position of knowing how these scenes are made and has matured. He doesn't say it should never happen, but that there is too much gratuitous use of them. Often, they are used to fill plot holes or make up for lazy filmmaking and lack of clever dialog. I couldn't find fault with Cavill's reasoning, even though he comes off slightly hypocritical and Victorian. 

As February ends, I thought about the stories I intended to address. I returned to these three because I am curious to see if Jacob's temper and willingness to physically attack people are just bad moments of judgment or a pattern. Will Teflon Bradley ever get slammed with something that actually damages his image? I say probably never. America loves men like him, and his brand is appealing in foreign markets, so as long as that holds...who am I kidding? He's encased in a force field for life. Can Henry's sex scene values win out against a fat payday and a chance to work with a great director? I bet that man would do sex scenes galore if he was promised a shot at being James Bond at the end of it. I don't trust an actor's vanity and ambition to lose against their ever-shifting values. 

They should do a "Three Men and A Baby" reboot with these three. Jacob can be the dad who gives up his serial killing career to become so overprotective that some parents of kids who are mean to the baby start disappearing. Brad will have a failed career as an architect who regresses to infancy so he can twin the baby. Henry will be a pious vicar who judges other parents so harshly that the baby has no playdates. 

I would have to beef up the premise, but I think I could pitch it to Quentin Tarantino and get this made. For Jacob, it would be an improvement. 

Photos: Getty, Backgrid, Amazon/MGM