WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HO? Is It Griffin Dunne Boinking Carrie Fisher? Or P. Diddy's Lawyers? Or Don Lemon's Paxil?
Let's start with Griffin Dunne. What is a Griffin Dunne, you may ask (especially if you're under 40)? Pull up a seat, darlin', I'll tell you. Griffin is an unattractive nepo-baby producer and sometime-actor born of Dominick Dunne, a celebrated author and late-in-life ghey, and Ellen, Dominick's activist/wife. His sister Dominique was tragically murdered as a teenager, which drove Dominick's later work as a true-life crime writer, most notably concerning the O.J. Simpson trial. Griffin's also the nephew of writer Joan Didion, so, yeah, despite his face, which I shall charitably describe as guinea pig-like, he managed to use his connections to star in a few decent movies in the 1980s, including "After Hours" and "An American Werewolf In London." Pretty good for a near talent-free child of privilege who's since popped up in guest shots on TV shows, like "This Is Us" and "Billions."
But like all actors, the thirst is strong and ever-lasting, even for nepo babies, which is why Griffin has been on the ho stroll this week flogging his new memoir, "The Girls On The Bus." Griffin is promising to tell all about his famous family, but really, he must know that this isn't going to sell books, because a lot of people, unfortunately, haven't even heard of his father Dominick, much less read any of his unputdownable novels. Instead, Griffin is telling everyone within earshot about his memoir's "hottest" chapter involving everyone's favorite foul-mouthed actress, writer and dog mom to "Gary," the one and only Carrie Fisher (a nepo baby who had actual talent). Carrie, Griffin is now screaming to the press, lost her virginity to him. Apparently, she had a boyfriend and wanted "practice sex" with someone a few times before riding said boyfriend. Griffin was available.
"I was doing her a favor," Griffin now teehees, further noting that she was "very into it." First off, really? She practiced with him? Oh, Carrie. Were you already flying on the booger-sugar? Second, nice try Griff, but this is old gossip which Carrie already revealed in "Bright Lights," a winning 2016 documentary about her and her mom, the sainted Debbie Reynolds - which means Griffin has absolutely nothing to flog in terms of creating excitement for his book, which includes, he says, a chapter about how he was kicked out of a posh boarding school as a kid for smoking pot. Yawn! Is there anything worse than someone trying to get attention, but lacking even the basic goods or skills to get it? Griffin, poor dear, is as dry as a dead twig and I fear he'll remain that way.
The verdict is in: Griffin is thirsty!
P. Diddy is a sickening rapist, sex trafficker and more (allegedly!). This we know. This we've known for some time, to be honest, though it only recently caught the attention of police and the Feds because of several sexual assault lawsuits filed against him in the past few years. And so here we are, with the nastiest, and yes, thirstiest, of hip-hop stars. But then you don't host wildly overblown "White Parties" in the Hamptons because you're shy, much less invite a host of parched celebutards like the Kardashians, the Hilton sisters, DiCaprio, Jay-Z, Beyoncé, Al Sharpton and Martha Stewart. Of course, Harvey Weinstein threw outrageously lavish bashes, too, and in fact, in New York circles in the mid-90s, Diddy was commonly referred as "The Harvey Weinstein of Hip Hop." Sisters under the skin, amirite? Hey, Harvey, save a seat for your gal pal at Riker's, m'kay?
But now it's not Diddy who's being thirsty - suddenly he's a coy little wallflower, vanished from sight - but his lawyers. Particularly thirsty is Aaron Dyer, who's been thrusting himself front and center before the press ever since Diddy's homes were raided this week. Hilariously, he's so parched that he's taking cues from Trump's playbook. "Witch hunt!" he's been exclaiming repeatedly to the press in the aftermath of the raids. Funnier still, he's lambasting the Feds for the way Diddy's children were treated during the raid in Los Angeles. Let us pause on the word "children," which Aaron used in reference to Diddy's offspring, namely Justin and King, who are 30 years-old and 25 year-old, respectively. Oh, won't someone please think of the children!
Aaron also called the raid "unprecedented," which is exactly what lawyers exclaimed on behalf of Rudy Giuliani when his home and offices were raided by the the Feds in 2021. Aaron is so desperately offended on behalf of Diddy that if you cup your ear you hear him cry out in vain for a fainting couch, since the Feds, those dastardly, ornery scallywags and rogues, give him the vapors. But hey, this is the most attention Aaron's received in his entire career as a Los Angeles-based, white-collar criminal defense and intellectual property attorney. Huh? Wha? Sorry, fell asleep there for a sec. Finally, Aaron has something to talk about at cocktail parties instead of whatever piece of bland, but expensive, bric-a-brac his wife recently purchased for their bland, but expensive, white-on-white Bel Air McMansion. This is Aaron's moment, and I'm afraid we haven't heard the last of him.
The verdict us in: P. Diddy's lawyers, especially Aaron, are thirsty!
Lastly: Hahahahaha! It's so funny when a sexist pig and a sexual harasser share a few titters, isn't it? On the right, we have funny-bunny Chris Cuomo, who was fired from CNN for creeping (and worse) on female co-workers and for trying to assist in the defense of his governor brother, Andrew, who was facing the exact same charges; on the left, we have his chucklesome BFF, Don Lemon, who was fired from CNN given his rank sexism on-air and his openly sexist treatment of female co-workers off-air. Fun times, right?
For reasons I can't quite fathom - is the media's memory that short? - Don has been receiving praise from all corners as of late because of his "X" interview with Elon Musk. Don asked routine questions that any halfway skilled interviewer would have asked, yet Elon's skin is so thin that he fired Don from "X" right after. And for this Don is being hailed as a paragon of journalistic integrity? Have the media forgotten Don's nearly two decade track record of genuinely vicious, misogynist harassment and cruel belittling of his female co-workers at CNN? He was this way on-air, too, like the time he told a Bill Cosby rape victim that she really could have stopped Cosby's attack "by biting (his) penis," according to a Variety expose. Another time, when a female panelist on his show dared stumble over her wording, he rolled his eyes and chided, “Is it mommy brain?” Oh, and all the while, he was dating a newbie staffer just out of college. This is journalistic integrity?
But it gets worse, or at least head-spinning. Just this week on "The Tamron Hall Show," Don was again praised for his "brave" interview with Musk, and then - in a mucho-thirsty bid for adoration - spoke of the "trying, difficult time" he had after he was fired from CNN. Why was it trying? Brace yourselves. It was trying because he actually had to go on anti-depressants, he said in an emotional, chin-trembling bid for sympathy. No word yet on whether the female co-workers he demeaned for decades have ever had to take anti-depressants - including one whom he sent anonymous, threatening texts to in order to scare her away from an on-air promotion he was seeking, and which CNN later traced back to him. Why is this guy getting such a break? Is it because he's gay? Or Black? No, you silly thing, it's because he's a guy. Duh! I have so many questions. Does he share his Paxil prescription with Chris Cuomo, who's now destroying what's left of his career at NewsNation? And what's next for our Don? Who knows, but since the media has the memory of a gnat, I'm sure whatever he does will be so very bravery, so lots of integrities. Maybe he can interview P. Diddy.
The verdict is in: Don Lemon is thirsty!
Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched.
Photo Credit: CNN via YouTube
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