WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HO? Is It Ivanka Trump? Or Dylan Dreyer? Or Ricky Martin's 1960s-Era Speedos?
Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are so dry, they're asses are chapped, so they need all the moisture they can get.
First, brace yourselves, because whatever you want to call her - "Incest Barbie" leaps to mind, but I also like "Her Irredeemable Awfulness," "The I.C.E. Princess" and "Daddy's Little Ghoul" - Ivanka Trump is determined to win back her life of cocktail parties, darling Instagram Mommy Moments, and lying through her capped teefs for fun and profit. "Perception is more important than reality," she once cooed. No word on whether she "teehee'd" after she said that, but I bet she did.
So while she was all in for Daddy's ruination of America during his presidency - again, for fun and profit (teehee) - she'd like you to forget all about that now. No, really. Never happened. She's harmless. Don't you worry, though, she still has that Trumpiam instinct for throwing people under the bus when it's most convenient - and this time that includes Daddy! Hurrah! She's stayed as far away as possible from his pesky legal skirmishes and gosh-darn money problems as of late, and is very desperately trying to re-enter the social glitterati's good graces. It hasn't been easy. Hobnobbing with Kim Kardashian, she thought, would demonstrate what a fun-loving, classy gal she was. It didn't. But then who could see that outcome, amirite?
Just this week, she tried another gambit by going "Barbiecore," as her Instagram fans breathlessly noted, by appearing in a vaguely Pepto-Bismol pink-ish ensemble before blooming white flowers, her caption reading, "Hello spring!" See? Harmless. Even giggly. There's no sign of her husband, Fratsputin, as he's called, or Vanilla ISIS, but just a few weeks ago, they jointly attended a wildly extravagant, $120 million dollar pre-wedding party for the daughter of Mukesh Ambani, Asia's richest man and one of their alleged "foreign besties." But then homegrown besties are hard to come by, or else they come in the form of Kardashians. Keep smiling, Ivanka Antoinette. Maybe you'll get watered in North America like those pretty flowers one day. On second thought, I don't think they'll share.
The verdict is in: Ivanka is thirsty!
Dylan, as I've learned, is a "Today" show weather gal, and this week she decided to let us know all about her showering habits. With her three sons. We're talking simultaneously. As in together. As in everyone's nude. As in her sons, ages 7, 4 and 2, are knee-high to her shaved chocha and surely gazing up, at least once in a while, at her glistening lady lumps as their pelted by the shower's spray. Oh, did I mention that her husband's in the shower, too, his dumbstick hanging out for all to see? Dylan says that she does this 'cause she's so very busy. "I'm an efficient mom!" she chirruped.
Maybe I'm being a prude, but if I had to stare at my mom's lady cave in the shower as a child - and they were hairy back then! - I don't think I would have liked it. And perhaps Dylan is getting a clue, because she was quick to add, "It's getting a little weird with my 7 year-old. Hahahaha." Yet she insists that her kids don't care about nudity. They're "totally fine" with all the incest-adjacent family showering. On one hand, I get it. As a 6 year-old, I accidentally caught a glance of my mom's backside and my world didn't shatter (I think she was more embarrassed then I was). But in a shower? Repeatedly? Does Dylan at least turn away when she gives her muffin a good scrubbin'? And what if daddy gets a stiffy? Thanks for that image Dylan. You won't linger in my memory longer than a moment or two, but for just one of those moments, you've managed to get yourself some much needed moisture by glomming onto Hurley. Pretty sneaky, sis.
The verdict is in: Dylan is thirsty!
Lastly, Ricky. Poor Ricky. The years are passing him by. Has he been relevant to anyone under 50 since "Shake Your Bon-Bon?" I don't think so. Did it move the needle when he grabbed some store-bought chirruns, then married and divorced a humpy gold digger? Not really. He's a legacy act, performing his old hits to reasonably large crowds, and he's very lucky that coming out (somewhat late in the game) didn't hurt that source of income. But Ricky thinks otherwise. Ricky, he tells us, is a serious actor and wants a serious acting career. After appearing mostly nude-ish in the 2018 mini-series, "The Assassination of Gianni Versace," he thought big-time acting roles would come pouring in. They did not, to put it bluntly, and Ricky, as he tells People magazine, knows exactly why. "It's because I'm gay!" he cried. "That's sad!" Yes, Ricky, that is sad. Also sad? Sydney Sweeney will not be playing Lady Macbeth - and all because of her sumptuous rack. It has nothing to do with anything else!
Luckily, eons after "Versace," Ricky caught a break. At one of last year's Oscar parties, he shook his pert bon-bon in the face of on the dance floor with Abe Sylvia, the ghey creator of "Palm Royale," and don't you know, this inspired Abe to cast Ricky as the show's house boy and posh club waiter who frequently appears in crotch-hugging bathing suits. At last, a real acting challenge for Ricky, who's been dominating the press circuit as of late, telling all that it's so very-awfully hard to do comedy. More important, he's been revealing how much he adored wearing those early-1960s-era swimsuits, a few of which he wanted to keep, whetting our appetite, of course, for episodes to come, or a funzi game of, "Is that the teensy slingshot Ricky wanted to keep? Golly, I think he curves to the left!"
Apple TV must be very happy to have Ricky on the publicity ho-stroll, but make no mistake, Ricky is happier. The show itself is absurdly overproduced, as is the style of Apple TV, who pour all their money into production design and very little into the writers room, which means it's sorta funny, sorta meh, or very sorta in every way. But please don't tell Ricky. To hear him speak of it - and he's speaking a lot right now - you'd think this was his very own "Sophie's Choice." Bless! And enjoy the water, Ricky.
The verdict is in: Ricky is thirsty!
Photo Credits: Ivanka Trump/Instagram; Apple TV; Getty Images
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