EVENING NIGHTCAP: Special Edition → Recap Of Jeff Bozo & Silicon Sophia's Wedding Circus

  

► The circus of the year known as the Bozo & Silicon Sophia wedding took place over the weekend at Venice. There's a lot to laugh at the $56 million they reportedly spent to show that you can't buy class. It was a wedding Stefon from SNL would be proud of. The only thing missing were the midgets wearing traffic cones on their heads and a goat karaoke. Here's my book report. 

 

Let's begin with the wedding invitation. I've seen better art work in a bathroom stall of a port-a-john. It's almost as if they went to Dollar General and bought a sheet of random stickers and threw them on as an after-thought when this mess was spat out by a printer low on ink. If you notice, the invite asks guests to make a donation to a listed Venice charity. Let's be real: donation = payoff. Bozo doesn't have a decent bone in his turtle body. SM had a few thoughts about the invitation:  Read More

"Please tell me this isn’t real. It looks like clip art from windows 95."

"It looks like instructions to a board game."

"It looks like Lauren saved some of Jeff's money and had her bestie's cousin's 14 year old daughter design these on Canva. This weird half-greyscale is not it."  

Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez wedding invitation. Image: Yahoo.com

On to the wedding fashuuuun. These 2 must have made a "donation" to retiring Vogue editor Anna Wintour's because Lauren managed to snag the cover to coincide with the wedding.  It's clear that Lauren fancies herself as Sophia Loren 2.0, to which eluded as much in an article. I've been pondering for a while who this gold digger has been trying to emulate. She has spent a fortune being pulled, tucked, and jacked to mold herself into some sort of silicon valley Sophia Loren with Jeff Bozo as her Cary Grant. Anyhoo, this is the most demure we will ever see the 56 year old bride since her trademark look is to have her flotation devices on full display while wearing skin-tight crap. 

When asked is she had anything "blue" on her (a bridal tradition), she chirped out: "Well, Blue Origin. It’s something from my space flight".  Spoken like an egotistical, tone deaf narcissist. Katie Couric said it best on SM about this fiasco: Read More and Read Some More

“Welcome to the eighties — when big hair and conspicuous consumption ruled. Apparently tacky is back. ” - Katie Couric

Lauren Sanchez. Photo: Vogue

Lauren Sanchez and Jeff Bezos; Sophia Loren in the 1958 movie, "Houseboat". Photo: Reuters / Getty Images/Fox News

Finally, the guests. They had 200 in attendance as they wanted to keep it "low key". For 3 days, Venice was taken over by the filthy rich, their mega yachts, and a parade bad fashion from "Amazon Lighting Deal" discounts. It was a random collection of celebs in attendance that included Leonardo DiCatchaho, the entire Kardtrashkan Klan & their momager, Tom Brady, Usher, the flavor of the month Sydney Sweeney, Jared & Ivanka Trump, Karlie Kloss (sans husband who's Jared's brother), Oprah, Gayle King, and newly single Orlando Bloom. If I had to guess, Orlando, Leo, and Tom were probably exchanging texts as they rated the "date-ability" of the women. With this gathering of egos, I'm shocked the Earth's axis didn't tilt. 

Not attending were Elton John or Lady Gaga who many guests were expecting. Supposedly, Silicon Sophia wanted them to perform. But their fee was $6 million / each and Bozo tanked that idea. Notably absent was Eva Longoria who's supposed to be Lauren's BFF. Read More

Some said Kris Jenner's outfit was inspired by the movie, "Breakfast at Tiffany's".  I say more like breakfast at Denny's. Now that Oprah has turned into a fan of Ozempic, she showed off a bit of skin as she waved to the plebs on her way to a pre-wedding event. Her outfit is better suited as curtains for a camper van. Meanwhile, Gayle King needs to roll up that dress and ask Jeff Bozo to shoot it off into space where it can burn upon re-entry to Earth. 

Jared and Ivanka committed themselves to bringing back 1980's "Dynasty" fashion by raiding a forgotten crate of outfits from the show. I'm certain Silicon Sophia approved of their gauche. Tom Brady wore all black to signify his lack of personality while Usher grabbed a blazer from Montgomery Ward and paired it with a huge bow tie that resembles a wayward bat landing on his neck. Oh, and let's not forget Silicon Sophia's outfit for a pre-wedding event. She took a bedspread and matching lampshade from a Motel 6 and glued it on to show off her fun bags. The entire 3 days was a display of nouveau riche trashiness. 

Side note: I'm willing to bet a case of beer some of these "guests" were compensated to attend. Call me cynical but there's no way Sydney Sweeney (27) is besties with an almost 60-year old couple or Leonardo DiCatchaho is texting environmental prose to Jeff Bozo.  

Kris Jenner at Bezos-Sanchez wedding. Photo: AFP/Getty Images/The Independent

 

Gayle King and Oprah Winfrey at Bezos-Sanchez wedding. Photo: AFP/Getty Images/The Independent

Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump at the Bezos-Sanchez wedding. Photo: AFP/Getty Images/The Independent

Usher and Tom Brady at the Bezos-Sanchez wedding. Photo: AFP / Getty Images / The Independent

Lauren Sanchez at a pre-wedding event. Photo: AFP / Getty Images / The Independent