Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho? It's It Brad Pit? Or Jude Law? Or The Great PeePee Water Park?
Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than a rock-hard crouton that fell from your salad to the kitchen floor three months ago and was nose-butted, then ignored, by your adorable cat - who dearly wishes you'd sweep once in a while, goddammit - so they need all the moisture they can get.
First, behold before and after pics of Brad Pitt, the left from 2022, the right from 2023. Subtle? Yes, I'd say so, especially since many aging male stars lately look as if they've gotten their faces smoothed out on an ironing board. By the way, I'm not starting off this week's post with needless digressions. I simply want to point out that Brad very much cares about his money-making puss - which means that he does, in fact, care about things. No, really. Like all those poor, destitute Hurricane Katrina victims in...oh, wait. Does Brad care about his children? For sure, and definitely more than Tom Cruise cares for his daughter...Sarah? Suki? Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! Don't worry, he'll get back to you with her name shortly. Child care is confusing!
This week, Brad is either thirsty, or like Cruise, confused. He's also "completely heartbroken" because yet another member of The Child Army he raised with Angelina Jolie has said "eat a bowl of fuck" to their surname "Pitt." This time, it's their 18 year-old daughter Shiloh who's legally wiped that "Pitt" from her ass like a pesky Botoxed butt nugget. Brad had many things to say about that this week in almost every outlet by way of his trusty spokeswhore (Hi, Brad!): he was "devastated," we're told, plus he's "not ready to give up on his children," and "he loves his children and misses them so much." To the later, I'd like to remind Brad that his children have not taken a rocket ship to Planet Debbie; they're actually reachable by plane or even by phone. Just trying to be helpful, Brad!
But then these are children who've witnessed spousal abuse enacted by a messy drunk and endured who-knows-what-all themselves - allegedly! - so while Brad is thirsting for an ongoing look-at-meeeeeee pity party, perhaps the children are just over it and saying, "I don't know her" whenever he calls or DMs them on TikTwat. Also, I like the sound of that proposed, tell-all non-fiction best seller, "Daddy Dearest," which I'm sure will be forthcoming right after Brad kicks it while giving a Viagra-plumped quickie on top of an industrious gold digger. Speaking of industrious gold diggers, Brad told the press only yesterday that he "wants another chance at fatherhood!" with his girlfriend Ines de Ramon, a jewelry designer who is 30 years his junior. Smooth move, Ines! Make him think it was his idea! But in the meantime, Brad is down in the dumpity-doo about that meanie Shiloh and very much needs your sympathy.
The verdict is in: Brad is thirsty!
Next, we have Jude Law, an objectively handsome middle-aged man, though not necessarily in the eyes of Jude Law. "Say what?" you ask. Oh, my chickens, pull up a chair, because this is Well-Aged, Moldy Thirst. You see, crotchety ol' Jude is feeling left out of the fun being had by young buck actors of today - such as Jacob Elordi, Paul Mescal, and all of those on-trend "Rat-Faced" tricks, like Jeremy Allen White - since they're all flaunting their goods in various movies and streaming shows. It's a Male Movie Cakes Renaissance, don't you know, with a soupcon of floppy peen by way of Barry Keoghan, the later which I do not approve of, for while he's deemed to be "Rat-Faced," meaning very hot to some, his face looks like a crushed beer can to me, and so just like that bloated, fugly, pimply-faced ghey living in his mom's basement is right now typing on his sticky keyboard, so is yours truly typing, "Would not bang!" Sorry, Barry. Esthetics are for everyone.
But back to Jude. “I was trying to play against my looks in my early 20s, and now I’m saggy and balding!” he cried to the tabs this week. “I wish I had played it up more.” Read that sentence again and look at present-day pictures of Jude like the one above. Would you still bang? Is he really the face of "saggy and balding?" Or is he seriously, even desperately, parched? And how much more could he have "played it up" than he did in 1999's "The Talented Mr. Ripley," in which he was so lovingly posed, lit and photographed - both in an out of his clothes - that Greta Garbo leaped from her grave, bitch-slapped his mug and cried out, "You owe it all to me, whore!"Yet now, Jude is demurely telling us, "I don't feel like I ever really leaned into playing handsome." No word yet on whether the 51 year-old actor batted his eyelashes behind a vellum fan when he said that, or if he flashed his b-hole and peenstick, but rest assured, now is the time he'd like all of us to say, "Ohhhh, Jude, still would!"
The verdict is in: Jude is thirsty!
Lastly, is there anything more suspicious than "warmish" water at a water park? In other words, if little Johnny can take a peepee, then he'll take a peepee, thank you very much, and that's just the way it goes. Heck, he may even back one out and clip it off. Floaters! That ain't a rubber ducky drifting by! Meanwhile, did you know? Not every family can afford a trip to Disneyland or Disney World or Euro Disney or wherever else they've popped up like herpes sores.
Enter "The Great Wolf Lodge," the indoor water park chain thirsting for Disney dollars, and which The Wall Street Journal this week charitably described as, "Nice. But not too nice." They're now spreading everywhere, from Atlanta suburbs to Wisconsin Dells - basically in countless fly-over locales - the lure being that you and the fam can stay in their "lodges" for several nights, enjoy their indoor peepee-soup shenanigans by day, and all without airfare, exorbitant prices or Goofy giving you a huggy and copping a feel. Are you not entertained?
And, yes, every Great Wolf Lodge has a bowling alley, a mini golf course, and a Build-A-Bear Workshop - the later not being, I'm told, where Ecce Homo can slap together one of his coveted ghey bears, which is supersad, I know, but in fly-over States, those kinds of bears can only be found at off-road truck stops and will only engage with you if you're young, slim and have "purty-purty lips." Meanwhile, TripAdvisor And Yelp reviews are mostly positive about Great Wolf Lodge. "I liked that the rooms were clean!" says one, though some wonder why anyone would want to go to an indoor peepee park, noting that the Wisconsin park, for instance, is within "striking distance of Devils Lake, a spectacular amphitheater made by nature and the perfect playground for people of any age." So obviously a party pooper, right? Because this week, Great Wolf Lodge announced that they're expanding bigly, and since many of their customers regard anything Disney as dangerously "woke" - an opinion Great Lodge doesn't exactly discourage - their timing couldn't be better.
The verdict is in: Great Wolf Lodge is thirsty!
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